


Pirates? In MY space? It's more likely than you think!

by leorate



Category: Homestuck, davekat - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Its a good time, M/M, There's a plot line too so, They're space pirates yoooo, and grow as people, basically they just fuck around in space and try to figure out their powers, buckle up kiddos, humans are space Australians kinda, its cute, its gonna be a long Boi, like those cute lil headcannons, lots of character development hopefully, only now he's the mayor, sargent stabby the roomba
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-02 02:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 49,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10934688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leorate/pseuds/leorate
Summary: Karkat Vantas always thought he knew where his life was headed. Hide his mutant blood, become the best threshcutioner there ever was, and prove that he was worthy of being a part of the Alternian Empire.Prove that he belonged.Dave Strider is a rebel, a pirate; he and the crew of the Sburb are doing what they can to survive under the rule of the Condesce until his Seer sister has a vision of the future that could change everything.As long as he can stop living in the past.After Karkat and his friends are taken aboard, Karkat must question everything he thought he knew about the Empire he grew up in, deal with the sudden reappearance of forgotten enemies, and navigate the mysterious connection that binds him to an especially infuriating member of this strange crew.When Karkat realizes that no one he cares about is safe from Her Imperious Condescension's rule, he and some unlikely allies must face incredible odds if they want to survive.





	1. This is not what your romance novels said would happen when pirates kidnapped you

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally sat down and got all my thoughts for a sick nasty davekat fix in place and this is the lovechild that my brain spat out. It's been super fucking fun to write so far so as long as I don't lose steam I'm gonna try to update once a week?? Hope you stick around to see what happens bc I have some fun stuff planned. Well, fun for you guys, not fun for the characters maybe >:)

**=== > CG: stare dejectedly down at your meal.**

Karkat Vantas had thought that, considering he was aboard an Imperial Navy spaceship, the food would be halfway decent. Although he supposed that the food was probably better for the highblood officers than it was for the lowblood ensigns, that wouldn’t do him any fucking good.

“Stop playing with your food and eat it please?” Kanaya quipped as she sat down across from him. “You’ll need the energy later.”

“Is that a joke? Are we making jokes now?” Karkat grinned without humor, but obligingly shoved a forkful down his protein chute. “Karkat Vantas will need his energy for a hard day’s work! This work, which will be absolutely fucking imperative to the success of the ship in whatever the glorious fuckwad of a Captain decides to assign to us. Of course. How could I be so foolish?”

“Are you quite finished?” Kanaya hummed playfully as she passed some of her own, more edible food onto his tray.

“I guess so. Thanks or whatever.” Karkat grumbled as he spun his tray around and began poking at the less offensive meal.

Karkat supposed he should be some kind of grateful he had higher caste friends willing to help him, but with Kanaya it was always a decidedly pale action and Karkat had never been… well, good, with the quadrants. Great at advice- as one tends to be after consuming the entirety of troll romance in every artistic form, but terrible with self application. Anyways, he had more important things to focus on. Becoming a threshcutioner in her Imperial Condescension’s army was hard enough without trying to hide mutant blood from everyone but about three other trolls, so Karkat had his hands full thank you very much and did not need anyone in any quadrant. Which was why he thought about it all the time, obviously, because he was too busy for it. Yes.

“You never know, the captain could give you an important job,” Kanaya continued as she chewed her food thoughtfully. “Or the commander! She could ask you to do something, she’s awfully good at bossing people around.”

“Careful there, Lieutenant Commander Maryam,” Karkat rolled his eyes. “Your blatant red crush on Commander Serket is showing, you might want to tone that down considering how Captain asshat Ampora feels about fraternizing within the crew.”

“Oh hush,” Kanaya chastised, having the decency to blush a little. “You know he only feels that way because half the crew’s already rejected his advances, he’s not serious about it.”

“Whatever,” Karkat leaned back in his seat.”Unless he gives me a decent fucking job to do that isn’t replacing all the sopor in the officer’s recuperacoons again, I’ll talk as much shit as I want.”

“At least it isn’t dangerous work,” Kanaya supplied helpfully. “We’ve lost two yellow-bloods in the hull in the past half sweep alone.”

“Don’t remind me,” a nasally voice sounded from behind Karkat as Sollux slumped down next to him, dropping his tray with a loud clatter. “It’s fucking horrible I can’t believe we haven’t found a better fucking way to power our goddamn ships.”

“Oh dear,” Kanaya said remorsefully. “I didn’t mean to upset you by mentioning it.”

“Oh he’s fine,” Karkat waved her off. “He doesn’t have to be a dramatic fucking wriggler about it, we all know he’s last on Eridan’s list. Feferi would throw him into space faster than you can say ‘Captain Asshat fondles his shame globes when he thinks no one is looking’ if Eridan so much as looked at Sollux the wrong way”.

“Y’know KK, I respect the rambling expletives most of the time, but if you’re gonna do it then do one that makes sense,” Sollux complained. “That isn’t a fast thing to say, that’s like if ED took his good old fucking time to throw me into the endless void of space. Do better.”

“I have to agree, it doesn’t quite roll off the tongue,” Kanaya shrugged.

“I hate you both so, so much,” Karkat slammed his head onto the table. “Why do I still talk to any of you? What did I do to deserve this? I wish space pirates would attack our ship and take you all hostage.”

“Be careful what you wish for,” Terezi seemingly materialized with a cackle from behind Kanaya and slid into the seat beside her. “Y’know, when you can see the future, everything is ironic. Not that you would know.” She tapped her head and mouthed ‘Seer of Mind’ mockingly. 

“Oh yes, I’ve been waiting for this.” Karkat gasped. “Is it time? Can we all pick on Karkat now for the powers he doesn’t have? What do you think, Kanaya?”

“It does appear to be that time,” Kanaya responded gravely, a small grin tugging at the corner of her mouth. “It is rather unfortunate your abilities haven’t manifested themselves yet.”

Before Karkat could start into another rant, a shadow fell over the table and the chatter lapsed into silence as Captain Eridan Ampora smiled condescendingly down at them.

“Well well well, I see we’re all up nice and early. Ready to be gettin’ started on the day’s work?” Eridan drawled lazily as he inspected the four of them.

“Maybe I’d sleep until a more fucking reasonable hour if I had actual sopor slime to sleep in,” Karkat replied, giving a smile too full of teeth to be anything but threatening.

“You think so?” Eridan raised his eyebrows. “Well, if you like sopor slime so much I know exactly what I’ll be havin’ you do today.

“Right,” Karkat said. “Let me guess”.

 

**==== > CG: Finish showering off the last of the sopor slime.**

Karkat had only just finished redressing when a violent shudder wracked through the ship and he was filled with a suddenly intense moment of panic. He may have hated the ship and almost everyone on it, but that did not mean he wanted to be sucked out into space. Alarms started blaring almost immediately and Karkat grabbed his sickles from the wall and ran out into the hall.

“What the absolute fuck is going on?” He shouted at one of the crewmembers running past.

“We’re under attack!” The other troll said, a olive-blooded female he recognized as Nepeta, a Junior Lieutenant who was moirails with one of the higher ups. “Equius said it was pirates!” 

Karkat assumed Equius was her moirail, and as he watched Nepeta scurry off, claws out and a grin on her face, it occurred to him that she was a bit too excited at the prospect of battle. Not that he wasn’t objectively excited, he would go so far as to say intrigued. Pirates were a common horror story, though attacks were few and far between- the Condesce had a way of eradicating inconveniences. The stories that remained, however, were always exciting. Karkat ran off towards the sound of swords clashing, thinking it would be just his luck if he missed out on the only real battle he’d likely see for sweeps at the rate he was advancing through the ranks. 

As he surveyed the bridge, Karkat saw Kanaya in a far corner healing a fallen soldier. Though she was technically a Sylph of Space, she found her healing abilities to work acceptably well on other trolls, having no real opportunity to attempt to “heal space” whatever the fuck that meant. He also saw Sollux to the far left, tearing two of the enemy pirates’ weapons from their hands with his psiionics. Just as Karkat raised his sickles, he found himself locking blades with a post-apocalyptic, tattered, cloth covered pirate wielding a shitty anime sword and wearing some of the most uselessly shaped shades he’d ever had the misfortune to gaze upon with his own two ganderbulbs. 

“Yo, Jade,” the pointy-shades pirate called to another human engaged in it’s own battle nearby. “This look like the guy Rose was describing? The short, nubby one?”

“Fucking excuse you, nookwhiffer,” Karkat growled angrily, trying (and failing) to land a hit with his sickles. “Who the fuck is Rose and why the fuck did she say I was ‘nubby’?”

As the sword-wielding pirate ignored him, seamlessly dodging each strike somehow without paying attention to the battle, the “Jade” creature, also covered in rags (perhaps some strata of carapacian? They looked awfully tall, though) he’d called to earlier turned and gave Karkat a brief once-over before breaking into what looked a wide grin beneath the tattered face-cloth. 

“Oh! I think so,” The pirate responded chipperly. “Great job, Dirk! You should go on ahead and get him back to the ship, we’ve got the brig all nice and cozy until the we figure out what to do with him!”

“You sure you guys can handle 3-D glasses and red-skirt by yourselves?” Dirk asked as he continued to sidestep a very frustrated Karkat.

“As if you’ll be taking me anywhere,” Karkat lunged and stabbed. “You’ll have to fucking catch me first.”

The Dirk-creature merely stared at him from behind his shades, then seemed to make some sort of decision.

“Alright, I suppose if you insist, man.” Dirk raised his sword, and before Karkat could bring his weapons up to block the blow, he was staring face to face with the hilt of the katana, and then he was staring at nothing at all.

**==== > CG: Wake up, dipshit. **

Karkat woke up in a pile of straw. This was not inherently unusual, as Karkat usually woke up in a pile of miscellaneous things. No, it was unusual because this was not his pile of straw, and for a moment he could not figure out how he had gotten to the point where he would have been sleeping in it at all. 

“Oh shit, look who finally woke up,” Sollux said from somewhere to Karkat’s left. He blinked a few times to adjust his nocturnal vision to the dark and made out Sollux and Kanaya leaning against the far wall. 

“Fuck you, why are we here?” Karkat asked as he looked around. “Is this a fucking pirate ship?”

“It would appear that way,” Kanaya said. “I believe the term you are looking for would be, “kidnapped” or perhaps “taken prisoner” would better suit your tastes”. 

“How long have you two been awake?” Karkat asked, standing and feeling around the perimeter of the cell they were in. It was, well, not large, but not small either. He got the feeling it wasn't necessarily meant to hold three prisoners at once and wondered what that meant about the ship’s crew. Did they not take prisoners often, or did they not keep them onboard for long? Karkat felt his stomach turn to ice as images of walking the metaphorical plank into the void of space filled his mind. What had they been saying before he got hit in the head by that jackass? Something about-

“I've been awake a bit longer than Sollux,” Kanaya responded. “But he and then you woke up fairly soon afterwards.”

“They knew who we were,” Karkat remembered, closing his eyes and thinking back to the battle aboard the imperial ship. “Someone named Rose? I don't, fuck, I can't remember exactly what they said thanks to that asshat with the shitty sword.”

“What do you mean they knew who we were?” Sollux asked. “Like, they had an actual plan to take us? Why the fuck would they want us?”

“Like I know!” Karkat rolled his eyes. “I just fucking said I barely remembered that shit, you want me to write a thesis on it? Earn my masters degree? Take the magical logic that will explain this entire shitshow and buy it a few drinks? Maybe we’ll get human-married! I'm thinking a nice beach wedding, what about you?”

Sollux opened his mouth to fire back, but before he had a chance, the door to the cell opened and someone walked inside. 

The silhouette cut an imposing figure at first glance, broad shouldered and tall, but it wasn't until Karkat noticed the significant lack of horns at the top of the intruder’s head that his internal thought process immediately switched into danger mode. 

_‘Human! Human! Human!’_ His thoughts screamed at him. 

_‘Shut the fuck up,’_ Karkat thought back at himself. 

Humans were notorious killers from every story that Karkat had heard, and their romance was absolutely atrocious. You find one other person and dedicate yourself to them forever? Unlikely and limiting. And they were merciless, perfect mercenaries, adept assassins, all the cunning and guile of a feral purrbeast wrapped in a pink or brown-skinned bipedal monstrosity. Karkat held his breath, he could barely stand the few seconds before the human opened its mouth and said-

“Sup, y’all,” the figure stepped forward, and as Karkat’s vision adjusted, all sense of danger evaporated. The human was tall yes, a little taller than him (which wasn't horribly surprising, he was short for a troll), but he also looked ridiculous. Just what the fuck was he wearing? The long, red leather jacket might have been imposing if it weren't so crumpled and paired with a ratty black T-shirt. Slightly loose leather pants and a broadsword strapped across his back might have seemed intimidating too, if the pirate didn't have an obvious case of bedhead and, yippee, another fuckwad in shades. 

“This is your captain speaking,” the human continued, grinning like a jackass as he looked over each of the trolls. “Please remain seated until the seatbelt light turns off at which point you are free to move about the cabin. We hope you enjoy your stay with us because, uh, well you kinda can't leave. Sorry but not really. Anyways, welcome to the Jolly Roger.”

**==== > TG: Question your faith in your twin sister. **

Dave Strider, as a general rule, did not kidnap people. Or trolls for that matter. But when Rose had come to him claiming that three trolls on a nearby imperial spaceship were ‘integral to space-time universe” whatever bullshit, he had reluctantly agreed to set up a plan for, er, “retrieving” them. 

“Captain? It appears the prisoners are waking up,” the automated voice of the ship’s AI, lil Hal, intoned from above. 

Dave groaned and rolled over in his bunk, this was a parley he was not especially looking forward to. 

“They in the brig?” Dave asked, picking his jacket up off the floor and giving it an accusatory sniff before shrugging and slipping it on anyways. Still good probably. 

“Considering that's where you had them sent and no one has moved them since, the logical assumption would be yes,” the auto-responder said. 

Dave rolled his eyes as he pulled on a (relatively) clean pair of pants. Sometimes he severely regretted letting Dirk model the entire ship’s interface after his 13 year-old brain. It didn't matter much, the whole crew was reluctantly fond of lil Hal, and to get rid of him now would destroy morale or something probably. Whatever. 

“Wow, thanks man I really appreciate the attitude,” Dave grimaced. “Listen I'm gonna go through the galley, can you get a thing of coffee started before I head down?”

There was a brief pause as Dave collected his things, strapping a broadsword to his back. 

“I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't d-” Dave cut lil Hal off before he could finish the sentence. 

“Dude that joke stopped being funny like, five years ago,” he rolled his eyes as he stepped into the hallway. “It's even less funny when the joke is that I don't get coffee.”

“Of course sir, whatever you say sir,” lil Hal said. “I don't know how you people managed without me, I don't even know how you manage with me.”

Dave didn't bother replying as he carefully sidestepped one of the ship's roombas which, as of last week, had a knife taped pointy side out to any poor unfortunate souls who weren't paying attention. Dave had only gotten nicked once, and the most recent score was against Rose. Not that anyone was keeping track of course, but it did help that Dave had his tech rigged to notify him whenever the Mayor (as Dave had affectionately named him) claimed a victim. 

“Why, if it isn't my favorite twin brother,” Rose welcomed drily from her seat at the main bar in the galley. “Up rather early? By your standards, at least.”

Dave grinned and strutted over, ruffling his sister’s already messy hair despite her protests. 

“Favorite? I'd be flattered if I weren't your only twin,” Dave said, grabbing the newly full coffee pot à la lil Hal and pouring himself a cup. 

“Oh come now, Dave, I could be including Dirk you just never know,” Rose smiled serenely as she sipped her own morning beverage, Earl Grey. 

“Dirk may be a twin, but he’s Roxy’s twin not yours,” Dave pointed out. “And they're a year older than us. So I win.”

“Dave, Dave, Dave, if I didn't know better I would say that your obsession with winning comes from some deeply rooted psychological issues,” Rose said in her best therapist voice as she stood and stepped closer to Dave, inspecting his outfit with a slight grimace. “Unfortunately, after many years of being able to study you, I've come to the conclusion that you just may be an insufferable jackass. A pity, really.”

“You wound me, milady,” Dave replied. “Alas, is there no cure?”

“Sadly, no,” Rose mock-sighed. “You'll be the first to know if I discover anything.”

“Say it ain't so, doc,” Dave clutched his chest dramatically. 

“Is it Shakespeare in the park already? Or Bugs Bunny impersonation time, that last one threw me.” A cheerful voice sounded as Jade walked in. “Seems a little early in the morning, but everyone has their own preferences!”

“Nah not this morning,” Dave finished off the last of his coffee. “I've got prisoners to check on. Places to pillage. People to...something. Whatever, you guys got the idea. I gotta be on my way though. Peace out, suckers.”

“Oh Dave, before you go could you please take the knife off of that roomba?” Rose asked. “It nicked my ankle again this morning and really, it's childish.”

“Excuse me, his name is the Mayor, and you're just saying that because you're losing,” Dave pointed out with a grin. “Jade thinks it's funny, right Jade?”

“It is pretty funny,” Jade admitted sheepishly. “My internet friend, that troll girl I was telling you about? With the rebels? She thought it was hilarious! Said she doesn't get humans, is it a human think do you think?”

“I think it’s a permanent thing,” Dave said wickedly. “And I think he should be promoted after having valiantly battled you so many times. I'm making him a Lieutenant. He's your equal now, Rose, so you have to treat him with respect.”

“Of course he is,” Rose sighed. “What will it take to get you to fix that thing?”

“Again, he has a name,” Dave corrected. “What will it take? That, sister dear, will remain to you a mystery. Tucked securely behind the pursed lips of a shitty riddler, they will be loosened only when presented with the conundrus grandeur of rigid, insoluble puzzlecock. Now I really have to go so you can chew on that for a bit.”

“Chew on rigid puzzlecock? Please Dave, consider your phrasing more carefully,” Rose turned to Jade as Dave walked out. He definitely won that argument. Shit, maybe Rose was right about the winning thing being a problem. 

The girls continued chatting and Dave continued down the hall towards the holding cell. A door slammed up ahead and Jane stepped out of her room with a yawn and a wave. 

“Morning, Jane,” Dave greeted. “Hey uh, you might wanna get three extra meals going for breakfast. If everything manages to not go to absolute shit I'm hoping these guys will wanna chill out with us for a while.”

“Really? Oh gosh, is that was Rose’s vision was about the other day?” Jane asked. “Have you consulted Aradia about it yet? I'm sure she's due for another visit soon and she's usually got the information we need.”

“Yeah, I'll spare you the details because Rose wouldn't tell me any but I guess they're important,” Dave said rubbing the back of his neck. “I messaged Aradia before we went in for them but she never responded and we couldn't pass up the opportunity to get in and out like that. I'll keep everyone as updated as I can though.”

“Sure thing!” Jane smiled. “Oh! I bet I can try out some of those Alternian recipes now, I've been just waiting for the opportunity.”

“Heck yeah man, go crazy,” Dave laughed. “Just, try not to poison them? Or us?”

“Shush, insult me and you'll have to get a new cook,” Jane joked. They both knew that with her cousin John on board she wouldn't be going anywhere. 

“Yeah yeah, I gotta go but I'll bring them up when I'm done hopefully,” Dave said. “If I don't I’m probably dead so don't wait up to start eating I guess.”

“Will do!” Jane replied as she turned and headed for the kitchen. 

**==== > TG: Try not to piss off the people you kidnapped. **

“Let's get down to business,” Dave muttered as he approached the cell door. 

_Deep breaths,_ he thought, and after a moment pushed it open and went inside. 

“Sup, y’all,” He said, and immediately regretted it.

_Way to go dumbass, that’s really the first thing you could think to say? Whatever. Gotta be consistent now._

“This is your captain speaking,” Dave grinned as he tried for his best commercial pilot voice. “Please remain seated until the seatbelt light turns off at which point you are free to move about the cabin. We hope you enjoy your stay with us because, uh, well you kinda can't leave. Sorry but not really. Anyways, welcome to the Jolly Roger.”

When he was greeted by a wall of silence, Dave swallowed uncomfortably and continued. 

“Nah I'm totally kidding I would never name my ship something that lame,” He said. “Actually I didn't name it anything at all, came with a name already. This is the _Sburb_.”

**==== > CG:Talk about a shitty first encounter.**

“That's literally the stupidest fucking name I've ever heard,” Karkat said. What the fuck was going on?? All the stories he'd heard about humans and this douchenozzle takes him and his friends captive then makes shitty small talk? 

“Look man, when a ship has a name already that means it's got history, y’know?” Said douchenozzle responded, shifting his weight in obvious discomfort. “I don't wanna be disrespectful or anything.”

“Oh of course! How could I have been so foolish to assume you wouldn't be completely respectful to this massive hunk of space metal!” Karkat exclaimed, standing up and walking towards the captain. “In fact, please, tell us more about this ship! I am utterly and completely shame globes deep in my dedication to learning the entire history of your life! Tell me, where did you source the metal for it? Did you find it in a scrap heap or did it start to look like a pile of space junk after you started piloting it? That would be my guess!” Karkat jabbed a finger at the pirate’s chest, who at least had the decency to take a step back despite being half a head taller. “You know what might be better actually? And this is really just me spitballing my own personal fucking opinions of course, so feel absolutely free to tell me to sit down and shut the fuck up! But! If you would be so absolutely shitfucking kind as to tell us why the fuck you brought us onto your ship, I would love to know that information thank you!”

There was a moment of silence, and then the jackass pirate captain grinned like Karkat had just told a mildly funny joke and stuck his hand out in greeting. “You a handshake guy or a fistbump guy? Cuz I'm flexible either way,” he said with a wink. “Name’s Dave Strider. But yeah no you guys totally deserve answers, which I would totally give you if I had them,” Seeing apparently that the trolls, Karkat especially, looked unimpressed, he continued. “My sister had a vision about you guys and how you're like, integral to our mission? Whatever the fuck that is. You must be Karkat, then, right?”

“How the fuck do you know my name, was that in your hatchmates vision too? Did her vision show me punching your lights out, because that can easily be arranged,” Karkat threatened warily. 

“Oh no haha, we had a spy on your ship. Didn't even know it actually,” Dave said. “She came up to us when we were attacking you guys and asked if we were with the rebellion, said she was the guy on the inside so to speak. We described you guys and she gave us names and helped us find you. She said Sollux was the one with the funky red and blue glasses, Kanaya was the chick, and Karkat was the short, loud one who yells a lot.”

“First of all, I’m fucking insulted. Second of all, a spy for the rebels?” Karkat stepped back and turned to Kanaya and Sollux who had been watching silently up until that point. “Who could've been a spy?”

“She said her name was Terezi, if that helps?” Dave looked past Karkat’s shoulder to look at the other two trolls. “Blind? Tried to lick me and I think was also flirting?”

“TZ was a spy? Shit,” Sollux said with a raise of his eyebrows. “Didn't see that one coming. Especially with her and Serket being moirails.”

“I'm shocked by this information as well,” Kanaya said, looking troubled. “I wonder how many of them were truly among us?”

“Well I hope you guys aren't too anti-rebel otherwise this deal isn't gonna work out,” Dave went over to offer each Kanaya and Sollux a hand as they stood up, blinking in surprise when he saw how much taller they were than him. Hadn't he ever seen trolls? He would know that the higher up on the hemospectrun they were, the taller they'd likely be. Although, with all the apparent rumors about humans swirling about it was likely he and his crew had to keep a solid distance. Sollux wasn't too tall by troll standards, and neither was Kanaya, but both reached over 6 feet easily, two to three inches taller than Dave at least. 

“And what kind of deal exactly would you be offering us?” Kanaka asked as she brushed straw off her skirt. “Of a mutually beneficial nature, I hope.”

“Yeah, I mean, we'd all like that. Me and my crew,” Dave clarified. “We’d like for you guys to join us. Help out a little around the ship obviously, you'd be full-fledged members of course. We can get you guys your own bunks, we've got spare beds, no recuperacoons right now but maybe we could pick some up somehow? Anyways uh, yeah, we're about to have breakfast so you guys can join if you wanna take us up on that.” Dave looked at each of the trolls briefly, his eyes lingering just a moment longer on Karkat before looking down and kicking at the ground a little. 

“And what happens if we say no?” Karkat growled, uncertain if the human was being genuine or not. 

“Well-” 

“Karkat,” Kanaya laid a hand on his shoulder gently. “I think we should take him up on it, or at least discuss it between the three of us a little.”

“What? Are you fucking insane?” Karkat hissed back at her. “Sollux tell Kanaya she's gone wingbeast-shit crazy.”

“I don't know KK, I mean,” Sollux wet his lips and looked back at the pirate for a moment before locking eyes with Karkat again. “If we stayed, I wouldn't have to worry about being made a helmsman ever again. Humans may be crazy pieces of shit but they know how to run a ship without killing people.”

“A helms- Sollux are you fucking crazy? Have you both lost it?” Karkat said in a low voice back. “Feferi would never let that happen to you, you guys are-”

“We’re not! Okay? But we’re not. I know everyone fucking thinks so but it's not, it's not like that,” Sollux groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “For a while it was, we were red, but we just felt better as friends okay? And that's all we are. She's been chatting up some chick online for the past few perigees, actually.”

“You- what?” Karkat struggled to put the pieces together. “Why the everlasting fuck would you let everyone keep thinking you were matesprits then? And how come you still weren't on the helmsman list? No fucking way Eridan would believe your story, or let you off that easily no matter how big his black crush on you was.”

“Yes, Sollux, I was aware the two of you had a bit of a black thing going but I would hardly think it substantial enough to keep you off helmsman duty,” Kanaya mused. “How did you manage that?”

Sollux turned a light shade of yellow and looked away, as if embarrassed. “Eridan and I, we uh,” the yellow shade deepened as Sollux continued. “We were kinda black, sometimes you know, but uh, mostly it was more, y'know, not black. Like, specifically the red kind of not black.”

“Holy fuck,” Karkat stepped back looking stunned. “Seriously? How did I not see that? How did you guys keep that hidden? What the fuck?”

“Hey um, sorry to like, interrupt,” Dave said, very much interrupting. “But Jane just messaged me saying that breakfast is ready, so if you guys wanna eat I would probably make a decision now.”

“I vote no,” Karkat said. “I don't trust them.”

“I vote yes,” Sollux said. “As much as I like getting railed by Eridan, I don't want to feel like my fucking life depends on it. Really kills the vibe.”

“I,” Kanaya looked hesitant. “Vote yes. And before you say anything, I'm doing it with you in mind, Karkat.”

“For me?” Karkat sputtered. “What kind of utter bullshit is that? How is this in any way for me?”

“Humans don't live by the hemospectrum,” Kanaya said delicately. “If we were to become members aboard their ship, you could eventually tell them about your...condition. It's highly likely they either wouldn't know enough about troll society to understand why it's so taboo, or they simply wouldn't care. You would be safer here.”

“Sounds like it's two to three, dude,” the infuriating jackass pirate said. “You can either stick with them or, I don't know what actually. I didn't really think about what would happen if you guys said no. I can't take you back to your ship but if you've got any other ideas let me know ‘cause I seriously don't have a clue.”

Karkat narrowed his eyes and looked from his friends to the human captain, the decision was up to him. But really, what choice did he have? 

“Ugh, fucking fine!” Karkat relented. “I will join the fruity rumpus asshole factory if you all insist, but I won't be happy about it.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it man,” the pirate said with a grin. “Glad to have you onboard.”


	2. Let's take showers and time travel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Please, spare us both the misery and refrain from finishing that sentence,” Karkat pinched his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “I don't care if you dance a spirited jig while I'm in the ablution chamber, do whatever you need to do but I'm leaving right this second.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple things; one, this is early bc I just had my last day of high school and I figured why the fuck not get this up for the weekend, two, i love the dynamic between dave and rose so y'all are gonna see a lot of that and I'm not sorry. Also, I like to include some real actual quotes from homestuck so bonus points if you can find them I guess.

**==== > CG: The fastest way to a prisoner's heart is through their stomach. **

Karkat hadn't even realized up until that point that he was hungry, but once the pirate, _call him by his name, fuckwad,_ once _Dave_ mentioned the possibility of food again, his stomach twisted. Karkat wondered if the food here would be better? He doubted it. Karkat had never tried human food and he doubted they had anything remotely Alternian. At least it wouldn't be freeze dried. 

Dave led them out of the cell and up a winding labyrinth of hallways until they reached a wide room with a bar and some mismatched stools to the far left, and a table further to the right. A window in the wall opened into the kitchen where he could see a petite female passing trays laden with surprisingly good smelling food on them to the other crew members as they took their seats. Guess he was going to have to take back what he said about the food not being good.

Karkats view of the kitchen was suddenly blocked as another human female stepped in front of him and took his hand in what he assumed was meant to be a friendly greeting, but reflexes forced him to take an involuntary step back as he stared up at the new alien. Karkat looked up, and up, and up still more as he blinked in surprise. Weren't human females supposed to be...shorter? This one was practically as Amazonian as Kanaya, taller than Dave who was, aside from this new face, clearly one of the tallest members of the crew. 

“Hi! I’m Jade,” she said with a grin, pushing her round frames up her nose. “You must be Karkat?”

“Fuck Terezi for telling everyone I'm the short one,” Karkat grumbled, reluctantly shaking the hand she still held out in unanswered greeting. “Nice to meet you, I guess.”

“Don't mind KK,” Sollux stepped forward from behind him, still analyzing the room. “He's just grumpy because you're taller than him. Is there a reason for that, by the way? I don't know much about human anatomy but I thought females were supposed to be shorter.”

Jade laughed good-naturedly. “Yeah, actually! I wasn't born a female and I didn't start transitioning until after puberty hit so I got some height out of it,” she smiled. “It's nice, though! I never need help reaching anything from the top shelf.”

“Yeah yeah, Jade’s a real hottie and all that, hey can everyone come over here really quick?” Dave called to the rest of the crew scattered about the room. “I want to get introductions out of the way while we’re all in one spot.”

Dave introduced Karkat, Sollux, and Kanaya to everyone, then started down the line

“Obviously you've already met Jade Harley, she's our main scientist slash botanist which I guess is still a type of scientist so let's pretend I left it at that,” Dave started off. “She mostly makes sure the hydroponics for the plants are in tip top shape, helps with food and oxygen circulation.” Dave then pointed to the next one, a younger male with messy black hair and glasses, front teeth sticking out just a little which might have accounted for his youthful appearance. “Speaking of oxygen, this is John Egbert,” Dave continued. “He and Jade are cousins and he does a windy thing thanks to his aspect so he's great at making sure the air circulation is functioning.” 

John gave a thumbs up and a toothy grin. “Nice to meet you guys!”

“Jane Crocker is there in the kitchen,” Jane waved through the window when her name was mentioned. “She's the best cook this side of the Milky Way and I would actually die for her. She and John are also cousins, but from a different side of the family so she and Jade are not related.” Dave added. Human familial structure was absolutely lost on Karkat, he barely understood the concept of hatchmates, let alone whatever the flying fuck a ‘cousin’ was. 

“Dirk is probably still asleep but he's my older brother and our best fighter, besides me of course,” Dave grinned wickedly. “He’ll help you guys when you start training if I’m busy.”

“ _Older_ brother?” Karkat scoffed. “If he's older than you, why are you the captain?” The silence that followed was so heavy, Karkat could practically feel it settling over him. Suffocating. Jade gave a delicate cough, and Dave who hadn't moved a muscle suddenly shifted his weight. The movement was stiff, like a machine rusted shut being slowly oiled until it moved fluidly again. 

Dave jerkily indicated next to a female who looked surprisingly similar to him, “Um. This is Roxy Lalonde and her assistant, Callie. She's... Dirk’s twin, my older sister, and resident kickass engineer,” Dave grinned, a bit forced as a woman with wild hair and a long scarf covered in grease stains, presumably from the engine, waggled her fingers in greeting. A short, green creature, ( _a cherub?_ Karkat thought, _those were a rare species_ ) next to her waved with a smile as well. “Also, she makes a mean martini when we get lucky enough to score some alcohol.”

“Human soporifics?” Karkat scoffed, giving Dave a once over. “Don't your people put age restrictions on that? You look like you just crawled out of the caverns.”

This seemed to finally kick Dave back into action, and Karkat barely registered breathing a sigh of relief. 

“What? Haha dude we’re literally probably the same age. I'm 21,” Dave laughed. “How old are you?”

“Ten and a half sweeps,” Karkat said defensively. “So, 22 of your human years.”

“Like I said,” Dave smirked. “You're only one year older than me, or half a sweep or whatever you wanna call it.”

Karkat only grumbled in response and let Dave continue with the introductions. 

“Last but not least, this is Rose Lalonde,” Dave indicated towards a short female with chin-length hair and a simple headband. She bore an even more striking resemblance to the captain than the other one, although the two of them looked alike as well. This was definitely going to give Karkat a headache. “She's pretty much useless, I don't know why I keep her around.”

Rose smacked him on the arm lightly. “Give me a proper introduction Dave, I'd like a nice first impression for some of our guests,” Rose gave a particularly meaningful look in Kanaya’s direction which apparently did not escape her notice as she turned a shade darker green. 

“Yeah yeah,” Dave rubbed his arm absentmindedly. “This is Rose, my twin sister. She's like a walking encyclopedia and a great strategist, navigator, you name it. She's also the resident Seer, it was her vision that led us to you guys.”

“Oh great,” Sollux said. “So we have you to thank for being taken prisoner?”

“I'm simply a mouthpiece for the will of the outer gods,” Rose replied mysteriously. “Fate speaks through me.”

“Yeah and I hear the voices of the soon-to-be- dead,” Sollux grimaced. “Fate is a real bitch.”

**==== > CG: Don't turn your back on the bodies, no matter how long dead. **

“Annnd finally, one for Karkat,” Dave spun around on his heels and gestured towards a door on his left. “This one is for you, it even contains all the proper amenities and shit. A bed, a place to put your stuff, bathroom is down the hall to the right.”

“Great, communal ablution chambers,” the troll grumbled as he inspected the bunk. “Who else is in this hallway that I have to share it with?” 

“Just me and John,” Dave said. “Dirk and now Sollux have their own down the other hall.” 

“It was just your older hatchmate in a hall by himself?” Karkat turned from where he'd been standing by the opposite wall. “How come he didn't stay in this room, it's across from yours and I thought you humans liked to stick together.”

Dave shifted uncomfortably. “Uh, someone else used to stay down there too,” He said. “Anyways, let's get you all set up with some regulation tech man.”

Karkat warily accepted a small tablet as he observed Dave, the hasty transition had not escaped his notice. 

“Okay so, everyone on the ship has one of these bad boys, they're not super high quality but we can do basic shit on them. Access the ship's interface, download information from docking ports when we stop for supplies, and most importantly,” Dave smiled as if it were Karkat’s wriggling day and he was bestowing upon him a slightly off-brand version of the present he'd actually asked for. “Message each other. Now we can talk even if we aren't in the same room, how fun is that?”

“Oh, I bet it is just the biggest fucking blast a guy can have without a pair of shame globes secured in his two trembling fists,” Karkat sarcastically reassured him. “However do I sign up for such a magical experience? Because I have no other or more entertaining way I would choose to spend my time, please, enlighten me.”

“We use pesterlog, I don't s’pose you have an account?” Dave asked. “It's not hard to set one up though, I'm sure we can get you guys online in no time.”

“We use trollian, if it's not compatible with your ‘pesterlog’ system then Sollux can hack at it until it is,” Karkat reassured him. “I would like to get cleaned up before I have to endure any more of your human shenanigans now please, will I have to get back into these filthy clothes or will you be providing washing services somewhere inside this hellhole?”

“Oh we can get that washed for you, I'll do it for now and eventually we'll get you into the laundry rotation,” Dave stepped into the hallway, opened a panel in the wall and pulled out a pile of...imperial regulation ship-wear? “Here, we’re probably the same size-ish right?”

“Okay, one of two things; where the fuck did you get imperial regulation shit?” Karkat held out the shirt in front of him, black with long sleeves, the insignia looked off somehow, it was the same red background, but instead of the Condesce’s trademark trident it looked more like a spoon. “How...how old is this?”

“Oh, y'know, we take stuff from supply ports, intercept shipments, that kinda shit,” again, there was that nervous air about him, and he had dodged the question. What the fuck was going on? “What was the other thing?”

“Other thi-? Oh, right,” Karkat tucked the clothing under his arm and fixed Dave with a stern glare. “Strider, I don't know how to break this to you gently, and I also don't give a shit so I won't. You like like you weigh 90 pounds soaking wet under that red monstrosity you call a jacket, you may stand at a respectable height for humans, but don't be fooled. I could bench press five of you at once and still have enough energy to snap you in half like a delicate branch, plucked gently from a woodland tree towards the end of your final warm seasons when the wood inside is brittle and dead. How on earth could you possibly think we are the same size?”

“Uh, I don't know,” Dave shrugged. “I figured I'm taller and you're, muscle-y-er? So it would even out maybe. Also those clothes are kinda big on me and...” he trailed off as Karkat’s frown only deepened. 

“Fine,” Karkat growled. “What do you want me to do with the clothes I'm wearing?”

“Whatever you want, baby,” Dave winked suggestively. “Haha sorry, no you can just leave them outside the shower when you go in and I'll grab them.”

Karkat stood there, trying to control the heat rushing to his face (a task made easier to achieve from sweeps of hiding every hint of his blood color), was the Dave-human...flirting with him? Or were winks perhaps a form of camaraderie, a greeting? 

Dave followed Karkats line of sight, and sensing he had crossed some sort of cultural difference line, cleared his throat, bringing Karkat back to the present. “Uh, if you don't want me in the room while you're in the shower you can just give the clothes to me after you're done?” He asked hesitantly. “There's a curtain so it's not like, you know, I'd be able to-”

“Please, spare us both the misery and refrain from finishing that sentence,” Karkat pinched his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “I don't care if you dance a spirited jig while I'm in the ablution chamber, do whatever you need to do but I'm leaving right this second.” True to his word, Karkat walked out the door and down the hall without so much as a backwards glance. 

“Okay,” Dave said, looking around the room one final time. “That went...well.”

**==== > GA: Human Familial Structures Are Terribly Confusing.**

“Mmph!” 

Kanaya turned towards the muffled exclamation from where she was sitting at the large table in the galley to see Rose Lalonde, hand on the side of the doorway, leaning heavily while clutching her ankle with the other hand. She glared towards the hallway, but Kanaya could see nothing that would have provoked such a reaction. 

“Are you...alright?” Kanaya questioned hesitantly. 

Rose jumped the troll’s voice, having not realized she was in the room. “Oh, yes, it was just,” she gestured helplessly towards the hallway. “Well. It's gone now, and I'm afraid a touch difficult to explain.”

Kanaya gave a friendly smile and patted the table across from her. “I've got nothing to do and, to be quite honest, I'm not very well acclimated to this ship as of yet. Perhaps you could help accustom me?”

Rose smiled in a way that made Kanaya almost uneasy, there was a near predatory sense to it. “Why, I’d love to,” she replied and moved to sit down. “So,” she started with a smile. 

“So,” Kanaya returned, a small grin tugging at her lips. 

Rose cleared her throat. “That was, ah, one of our cleaning drones, a roomba to be exact,” she said. “My darling brother has seen fit to apply some...modifications.”

“Meaning?” Kanaya asked. 

“Meaning he has taped a rather large knife to the top of it, which nicks the ankles of anyone not paying attention to the ground,” Rose pursed her lips. “As I often am not.”

“So this roomba,” Kanaya blinked. “What is the purpose of the knife?”

Rose rolled her eyes. “I have no idea, Dave has his own reasons for doing things,” she sighed. “He keeps a log of the victims of the roomba attacks, it alerts him every time so I have no doubt he already knows I've just encountered it.”

“Ah, is his behavior usually this cryptic?” Kanaya said, a wrinkle forming between her brow. “He didn't give off that particular air when we met.”

“Actually, cryptic behavior would be welcome at this point,” Rose grimaced. “This is just inane.”

The door opened and both girls turned towards the sound as, speak of the devil, the captain himself walked in. 

“Sup, ladies,” he greeted with the tip of an imaginary hat, he had a bundle of clothing tucked in the crook of his arm. “How we doing today?”

“You mean besides being attacked yet again by that monstrosity you created?” Rose looked up with an innocent smile. “Absolutely divine.”

“Rose, how many times do I have to tell you?” Dave shook his head, a small smile playing at his lips. “His name is the Mayor, and he's a lieutenant. Please show him some respect.”

“The Mayor?” Kanaya looked confused. “I don't understand, does he hold a leadership position?

“Yes.”

“No.”

The twins both answered simultaneously then shared a long look. Dave turned away first and Rose smirked. 

“The laundry room is that way, brother dear,” Rose sang, pointing the opposite way he'd entered. “I suggest you hurry along.”

“Oh of course, ‘sister dear’,” Dave grinned wickedly. “I wouldn't want to distract you from your date here.”

When Rose declined to answer, instead turning a pale shade of pink and refusing to meet anyone's eyes, Dave continued. 

“Wow,” he said cheerfully. “I hit that one on the nose, huh?” He strutted towards the exit slowly, his eyes never leaving her face, even as he addressed the troll sitting across from her. “Careful Kanaya, spend too much time with my sister and I might get jealous.”

Rose whipped her head up triumphantly. “And there it is,” she replied haughtily. “Careful _Dave,_ your codependency issues are showing.”

Dave let out a long, low whistle. “Dang, that shits more real than kraft mayo.”

“And really, Dave,” she pushed forward. “I don't see how you can make remarks with such frequency that are so obliviously and so generically loaded from a Freudian perspective. It's flabbergasting, really, you never miss a chance.”

“Freud would have a field day with me, I know, I know,” Dave continued after a moment's pause. “Probably ‘cause you tell me that like everyday.”

Something in the air had shifted, and the firing squad had apparently arrived. Poor Kanaya, who had had enough trouble keeping up with the back-and-forth as it was, became entirely lost as the twins _really_ started to go at it. 

“Well, perhaps I wouldn't debate Freudian philosophy so much if you didn't establish yourself as such an easy target.”

“Yeah ok that's my shit that's what I'm about let's just get the fuck on with our lives.”

“Dave, darling, you seem depressed.”

“Thanks, it's the depression.”

“You really ought to see a proper therapist.”

“Maybe you should get a proper fucking degree or something then.”

“You can't rely on me for everything, Dave.”

“I thought we were on the same page about my codependency issues?”

“We shared a womb, David, that doesn't mean we’re on the same page about everything.”

“Right like how you're a lesbian and I'm not.”

“Oh I wouldn't rule anything out.”

“Mmm no, I think that one I can definitely rule out.”

“Oh, just go put Karkat’s clothing in the wash already,” Rose huffed, hiding a smile. 

“Yeah yeah, you know I always love a good ‘battle of the wits’,” Dave turned and headed for the door, calling over his shoulder just before he disappeared. “Maybe next time we can rap it out.”

“In your dreams, brother dearest,” Rose gave a final shot, then turned back to an extremely bewildered Kanaya and gave a small smile. “So, where did we leave off?”

**==== > CG: If the clothes fit, find something else to complain about. **

“KK, why the fuck are you upset about the clothes fitting you,” Sollux asked with the air of someone who had dealt with this exact situation, albeit a few variations, countless times beforehand. Well, fuck him anyways. 

“Because Dave is the one that gave them to me and I am absolutely fucking determined to view him in a very specific way, a way that very specifically means he can't just give me nice clothes that actually fit and are comfortable,” Karkat huffed. He had, in a weird way, been looking forward to the clothes not fitting. It would have given him something new and fresh to be pissed off about and he told Sollux as much. “It's not like there's anything else to live for now anyways,” he groaned dramatically as he collapsed face first onto Sollux’s bunk as he sat fiddling with his own tablet. 

“Uh huh,” Sollux said without looking up. “Tell me more about it.”

“The second I find something to be pissed off about, you just wait and see,” Karkat rolled over and glared at the ceiling as if it had kicked his pet barkbeast. “It will be like fucking 12th perigee’s eve up in here.”

“Uh huh,” Sollux said. “Tell me more about it.”

“Are you even listening?” Karkat whipped his head around to shine the lighthouse beam of his glare on Sollux. “What the fuck are you doing that's so important?”

“I'm trying to make trollian compatible with whatever the fuck pesterlog is,” Sollux said, his brow wrinkled in focus as he typed so quickly, Karkat could barely make out the keys he was pressing. “It's got a similar format so that's fine, it's just getting past the blocks because our tech is a bit, uh, alien, no pun intended. I'm trying to make it not treat our shit like a virus and vice versa.”

“Is there anything I can help with?” Karkat leaned over the other troll’s shoulder until Sollux pulled away and hunched back over to continue working. 

“You're the worst programmer I've ever seen,” Sollux grumbled, fingers still going, Karkat could see the edges of his eyes twitch as they flicked back and forth over the code piling up on screen. “You don't know anything about computers, I don't know why you even bother. The only thing you're good at is yelling and making huge mistakes.”

Karkat flinched back involuntarily as though he had been slapped, although the feeling more resembled a punch in the gut. “Asshat,” he hissed. “Just because you're fucking stressed about some menial fuck shit code doesn't mean you get to bring _that_ up.”

“You think I'm stressed about this code?” Sollux laughed, but there was no humor. “Listen, KK, I know that being on this ship is safer for me, don't give me that look it's safer for you too, but,” he paused a moment, looking out the porthole-shaped window in the wall. It showed a stunning view of the galaxy they were circling, but Karkat had a feeling Sollux didn't see any of it. “I can't help but think about the Condesce. Well, her army at least.” He sighed. 

“What do you mean?” Karkat asked. “Do you feel guilty about leaving?”

“Guilty? Fuck no, fuck that fish bitch,” Sollux rolled his eyes. “Do you know what she probably does to trolls who turn traitor? Because that's what we are. And I can't help but think about FF.”

“I thought you guys weren't together?” Karkat wrinkled his nose in confusion. 

“Well yeah, but we're still friends, dipshit,” Sollux said. “And just, she's the Heiress, how would she feel about us deserting like a bunch of wrigglers, you know?” 

“Well fuck, Sollux,” Karkat lowered his eyes, embarrassed. This was verging on pale, he thought, and though he didn't feel anything near that for Sollux, he still felt the need to comfort him, reassure him. _Fuck it,_ he thought. 

“Sorry man, I'm just-” Sollux shook his head, starting to turn away. 

“No, fuck, it's just,” Karkat stared intently at the wall. “Listen, Feferi has made it super fucking obvious that she disagrees with the Condesce, and once she becomes the dominant member of her caste she's gonna change a bunch of shit. I think…” Karkat rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “I think she'd be proud of you?”

There was a moment of silence, either troll refusing to look at each other. 

“That was really Gay™,” Sollux finally said. 

“Fuck you, nookstain,” Karkat growled. “I'm not the one who spilled all my feelings like a tipped can of pale pink paint.”

“Yeah I guess so,” Sollux smiled a little. “Listen KK, I wouldn't put you in any position like that because of your, you know.”

“No I don't know?” Karkat blinked, unsure as to whether he should be offended or not. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“After, y’know what happened with TZ,” Sollux gave Karkat an odd look. “Sorry for bringing that up earlier by the way, I didn't mean it was a ‘huge mistake’ because I don't think it was your fault, she doesn't blame you either.”

“Of course it was my fault,” Karkat said in a clipped, final tone. “I don't want to talk about it.”

“KK, if you can't feel certain, emotions, the way everyone else can,” Sollux said delicately. “That's perfectly fi-”

“Am I interrupting anything?” Dave popped his head in, interrupting yet again. 

“Yes,” Sollux said. 

“No,” Karkat replied with a quieting glance at Sollux as he stood. He brushed invisible dirt from his pants and made his way over to where Dave was standing, arms folded sullenly. “What do you want, Strider?”

“Uh nothing much, Dirk said you guys were both in Sollux’s room so I just brought these,” Dave held out two piles of clothes. “Just, stuff that might fit you guys until we can make a supply run, changes of clothes, pj’s and shit, the works.”

“Oh shit, thanks,” Sollux came over and grabbed a pile. “And this will fit me?”

Dave winced and absentmindedly fiddled with his watch. “Uh, it might be a little short on you actually, sorry, we don't usually have trolls onboard.”

“That's fine,” Karkat hastily took the clothes and motioned for Sollux to sit back down. “Is there anything I can help around the ship with? I'm done in here and I like to keep busy.”

Sollux mumbled something that might have resembled the word “over-dramatic” if Karkat had been listening closely, which he absolutely was _not_ and anyways it wasn't true. 

“Oh, yeah actually you could probably help me with-” before he could finish, Dave’s watch beeped suddenly and he pulled up the screens behind his shades. “Shit, gonna have to take a rain check on that, Karkles, some shit is about to go down.” Dave set down the clothes and checked to make sure his sword was on his back before he turned and started down the hallway towards the common room as quick as he could. 

“Shit?” Karkat asked, following him trying to keep pace as best he could against Dave’s longer legs. “What shit what do you mean?”

“We got a visitor, knowing her she's already on board,” Dave said. “Or, was on board, she hasn't sent me a time yet.”

“A time? What the fuck do you mean I thought you said she was on board?” Karkat demanded. “None of this is making sense!”

“Yeah, time travel is a real pain in the ass like that,” Dave grinned as they stepped into the common area. “Okay this was the location, so any second now…” He looked down at his watch. 

“Are you about to fucking time travel? What the fuck?” Karkat asked, looking around. “Time? That's your aspect?”

“Yup,” Dave said without looking up. The ticking from his watch got louder and louder. Tick. 

“And you can just slip through the time streams like a slitherbeast through a dank swamp?” Karkat felt pressure building up, a tangible sense of panic almost. The feeling surrounded him. “What kind of class even lets you do that? I've never heard of any that just, let you, let you,” he stuttered. _Tick._

_Tick._

_Tick._

“Use your shit like a fucking, I don't even know,” he shook his head. “Like a fucking _weapon_ or some shit.” _Tick. Tick._

_Tick. Tick._

_Tick. Tick._

“Uh, dude, you might wanna take a step back,” Dave held out a hand to distance himself from the panicking troll. “You're getting super affected by the time stream right now, and also you're in my blast radius.” _Ticktick._

_Ticktick._

_Ticktick._

“Your _what_ radius?!” Karkat couldn't explain the overwhelming sense of fear in that had settled in the pit of his stomach. It felt like a rock, sinking to the bottom of a dark lake, only he was the rock, or maybe he was tied to the rock? Either way he felt like he was drowning and there was no way out. 

_Ticktickticktick_

_Ticktickticktick_

_Ticktickticktick_

“Shit,” Dave said, or at least that's what it sounded like he said. Karkat could barely hear, the ticking was so _loud_. “Dude, I need you to come here.”

“What?” Karkat pressed his ears, which usually were tucked downward, as close to his head as possible and put his hands over them. He didn't know what was going on but he knew he needed to make himself as small as possible. 

_Ticktickticktickticktick_

_TickticktickticktiCKTICK_

_TICKTICKTICKTICKTICK_

“Okay, that's fine,” Dave glanced around nervously, aware that time was running out. Literally. He shouldn't have let Karkat come into the room at all, but he admitted he’d maybe wanted to show off a bit. Too little too late, better fix it now. He grabbed Karkat’s arm and yanked him in, the troll stumbling a little as the room began to fill with some sort of reddish mist. 

There was the loud sound of cogs and gears clanking and a far off chime. Karkat felt a pair of arms wrap around him, and then a sudden lurch in his chest. 

The common room glowed red then flashed a bright white. When the light died, there was no one there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whomst'd've thought this would get such nice ppl reading it ur all lovely <3


	3. Turning back the clock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don't know fuck shit about anything you just said so you're going to have to explain it very carefully,” Karkat growled, grabbing Dave by the shoulder and whipping him around so that they were face to face. “What the fuck was that, who the fuck is Aradia, and where, should I say when? When the fuck are we.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey howdy, this is filled with a lot of assumptions about how aspects and classes work so get ready for confusing explanations!

Chapter 3:

**=== > TG: wow, i really fucked that up didnt i**

Dave looked around quickly, he was still in the common room which was, thank the outer gods, empty. It wouldn't do to have to deal with the ship’s current crew members and try to explain why a human and a troll were suddenly in their living area. The design was similar, lots of the furniture was the same they had now, only here it looked newer so Dave knew this must be the past. The only question was when. Suddenly, Karkat pushed off from him and looked around bewilderedly. Whoops, Dave hadn't even noticed he was still holding the tag-along troll. 

“What,” Karkat finally said, standing up straight and closing his eyes. “The flying _fuck_ just happened.”

“That was time travel dude,” Dave supplied as he inspected the room, briefly pausing to pick up knickknacks for a closer look. “All that fanfare bullshit usually doesn't happen, I can pop in and out but it's different when Aradia’s directing me.”

“I don't know fuck shit about anything you just said so you're going to have to explain it very carefully,” Karkat growled, grabbing Dave by the shoulder and whipping him around so that they were face to face. “What the fuck was that, who the fuck is Aradia, and where, should I say when? When the fuck are we.”

“Sounds like this is where I come in!” A cheerful voice called from the far wall. “Dave, I see you brought guests?”

Dave gave an apologetic grin as he walked over to the troll girl, hands shoved into his pockets. “Yeah, sorry about that,” he did not sound sorry. “Didn't mean for him to tag along but he got swept up and I figured it'd be better to get him out of the storm you riled up.”

“Well, not all of us can just go through the time stream willy-nilly,” Aradia chastised, though her expression remained just as cheerful. “And don't apologize! Karkat was supposed to come through.”

Dave looked back at Karkat, then turned back to Aradia clearly confused. “Uh, I don't know about that? It was kind of an accident?”

“No such thing!” Aradia sang as she moved around the room. 

“I'm sorry, actually I'm fucking not, but can I get some real actual answers here?” Karkat asked impatiently. “What the fuck was all that shit?”

“ _Temporus Terrorum_ ,” Aradia sat in one of the arm chairs and motioned for the boys to sit across from her. “Time’s alarm, or time’s terror depending on how you translate it, both are applicable. It's the time stream’s way of...fighting back I suppose. A warning that you shouldn't mess with anything. A bit redundant I personally think, as the type of travel I practice doesn't necessarily affect anything. Well, not for you at least!” She grinned. Her aspect was a topic she was well-informed on, and willing to talk profusely about. That didn't make it any less confusing. 

Dave had gotten the time explanation speech countless times over, but Karkat wanted answers and Aradia was the one to go to for them, so he resigned himself to settle in for the story. 

“How best to explain this, let's see,” Aradia mused. “Let's start with my classpect! Obviously I have a time aspect, but I'm maid class which comes with certain limitations, stipulations, you know, prerequisites.” She gestured vaguely with her sharply clawed hands as she spoke. No matter how used to her mannerisms he got, Dave never lost the uneasy sense that Aradia could be pure predator if she wanted. “As a maid, obviously that means I have to _serve_ my aspect, an ambiguous term to be sure and the exact responsibilities vary from aspect to aspect. Time being such a tricky one to manage, that factors into how I have to proceed when manifesting my abilities.”

“Okay, this is all very interesting, but I'm still fucking lost as to how that applies to the shit storm that just went down,” Karkat complained .

“Hush, I'm getting there!” Aradia scolded kindly. “As I was saying, I have to serve my aspect. In my case, this means to have to care for the time stream, clean up loose ends, make sure the alpha timeline is running in tip top shape,” she explained. “Which is what I meant when I said my personal brand of time travel doesn't preclude anything, my very job is to cut loose ends, stop unstable time loops and branches off the main timeline. By doing that, and by very definition preventing things from happening or inviting certain events, I'm making sure that nothing at all has truly changed. In that way, it's almost easier to describe it like this: you can't actually change anything in the past, because it will turn out to be something that has already happened anyways. Does that make sense?” She asked. 

“Uh, kind of?” Karkat rubbed his temples. “So basically time travel is useless and you can't do shit?”

“On the contrary!” Aradia replied, the grin on her face a little too wide, too bright. It was almost unnatural. “It's _by_ doing things, changing things, that you keep things the same. It's a bit of a paradox!”

“So why wasn't Dave affected by that, temple terror or whatever the fuck you called it,” Karkat asked. “He stayed calm while I panicked like a wriggler.”

“‘Cause I'm a time player, dude,” Dave jumped in. “Free pass on all that wack shit.”

“Okay,” Karkat dissented. “That makes sense. But you said that only happens when Aradia is helping you, what's up with that?”

“When I'm pulling Dave, I have to use my own abilities,” Aradia clarified. “All that light show stuff is how I travel. It's more of an ordeal for me because my class is a servile one, whereas I have a feeling that Dave’s is very independent, though both are active.”

“You have a feeling?” Karkat looked back and forth between the two. “You don't know what his class is?”

“No idea, bro,” Dave threw up the rock n’ roll sign with his left hand. “I just do shit and it happens.”

“Very low level shit,” Aradia corrected. “Dave only just recently discovered his abilities, which is part of the reason I have to pull him places. I've never seen a class like his before which is where some of the confusion comes in, but yes. So far his class has definitely come across as more active, he seems to be able to bend timelines to his will, creating loops through which he can travel as long as he's careful to keep them stable. Dave's abilities also allow him to travel however he wants, whereas I can only travel if it's necessary to the timeline.”

“Wait backtrack there, what happens if he can't keep them stable?” Karkat questioned. There was an extra beat of silence as Aradia deferred to Dave. 

Knuckles clenched so hard they turned white, Dave gave a shaky grin. “Dead Daves start piling up man,” he starting quickly tapping his foot to dispel the sudden anxiety buildup. “Ever seen your own dead body?”

“Fuck, no,” Karkat winced. 

“Yeah,” Dave looked past him and turned his shaded gaze across the room. “It's uh, not great.”

“On a brighter topic, would you like to know why I brought you two here?” Aradia asked. 

“I'm pretty sure you only meant to bring me,” Dave said. “Karkat just got too close.”

“On the contrary!” Aradia’s smile deepened if that even seemed possible at this point. “You were always meant to bring him along, after all, what better way to jumpstart his powers than to expose him to your own?”

“Obviously you have a screw rolling around in that thinkpan of yours,” Karkat narrowed his eyes. “Because newsflash: I don't have any special abilities, some people don't! Just because I'm surrounded by a bunch of supercharged assholes who do have powers doesn't mean I happen to.”

“‘A bunch of supercharged assholes’?” Dave murmured, turning slightly towards Karkat. 

“I know what I fucking said!” Karkat crossed his arms. 

“Anyways,” Aradia stood and walked towards the door. “I've had a lock on time here- what? You thought everyone was just politely avoiding this room? I can shield us from their eyes but only if you avoid all contact.” She motioned for them to follow her down the hallway and the boys obliged. “If you bump into someone, talk to them, anything at all that would cause you to become part of events then we’re all visible and it's going to take a lot of explaining and I'll have to cut this endeavor short,” Aradia turned back around to face them, the bright grin gone from her face. Instead, a shadowed, almost haunted look remained. “Which I _very_ much would prefer not to do.”

Dave and Karkat stopped in their tracks and shared a look, eyes wide and mirroring each other's sudden hesitance. 

“But as long as you stay out of the way it should be fine!” Aradia was smiling again as if nothing had happened, then kept walking. Dave would have thought he'd imagined the look if he didn't know Karkat had seen it as well. He swallowed nervously, then continued down the hall. 

**==== > CG: Realize how very wrong you were about probably everything.**

“Here we go!” Aradia said cheerfully. She raised a slender gray hand and with a _*snap*_ of her fingers, the air shifted tangibly and everything seemed to be suddenly set into motion. Aradia pressed herself into a wall on one side, leaving Dave and Karkat tucked into a corner as unfamiliar crew members bustled past. 

“This is all she wanted to show us?” Karkat whispered. “Just a bunch of people who are probably dead by now?” 

“I don't know, I guess so?” Dave shrugged. “None of them look familiar and I don't see anything out of the ordinary.”

Two people walked by and suddenly the room seemed to darken. Karkat looked around to see if either Dave or Aradia had noticed, but neither gave show that anything had changed. As the pair walked past as if in slow motion, Karkat noticed a thin red line connecting the two. Blinking to clear his vision, the lights seemed to have gone back to normal. Only when Karkat craned his head to watch them walk down the hallway, _matesprits,_ he thought to himself, the thin red line was still there, glowing faintly. 

“Yo Kat, you doing alright there?” Dave waved a hand in front of Karkat’s face. 

Karkat batted Dave's hand away and frowned. “Get your disgusting human stubs out of my face, Strider,” he growled. “And don't ever call me that again.”

“Whatever you say,” Dave replied, a smirk playing at his lips. “Karkles.”

Karkat rolled his eyes and searched around for other people. He strayed absentmindedly from the corner and peered around into the next room, thankfully it was one he recognized, the galley. 

“Dude where are you going?” Dave hissed. “We can't ‘make contact’.”

“I'm not,” Karkat muttered. “Aradia said she brought us here for a reason, I'm trying to figure it out.” _I'm trying to figure_ me _out._

“Whatever you say,” Dave fell into step with the troll as they surveyed the semi-full galley. 

Karkat closed his eyes for a few seconds, took a deep breath, and opened them. He nearly gasped out loud when he was assaulted by a variety of brightly colored...somethings; there were strings, lines, connections between each person, all varying, all over. 

“Do you,” Karkat wet his lips, eyes wide as he struggled to make out individual connections. “Do you see that?”

“See what?” Dave whispered. 

“It's everywhere, are you fucking blind?” Karkat didn't take his eyes off anything. He watched as one person rose from the table, multicolored strings hanging off him, stretching, elongating with ease as he walked away from the people he was connected to. Somehow, Karkat could sense exactly what each line meant, love, friendship, family, everything in between. They were so tangible, so real, he thought to himself, maybe he could just reach out and-

 _No contact,_ Aradia’s voice echoed in his mind, and the arm he didn't realize he'd begun to reach out with, he quickly slammed back to his side. 

“Dude are you okay? Like for real?” Dave turned his entire body to face Karkat, concern evident on his face. “You're freaking me out.”

“I…” Karkat shook his head dazedly. “I don't know. I can see all these like, connections? Lines between people, what they are to each other.”

“Do you think that could be the powers Aradia was talking about?” Dave asked in a low tone. 

“Fucking maybe? I don't know,” Karkat said irritably. “I've never had powers before I don't know what they feel like.”

“I wonder what aspect that could be,” Dave mused. “Dirk is a Prince of Heart, that's like soul shit, maybe you can see soul connections or something? Like a Seer of Heart maybe?”

“I don't know,” Karkat repeated. “That doesn't feel quite like what it is…” he trailed off as two new people entered the room, a man and a woman. They were obviously a couple, a strong connection between the two, but that wasn't what had given Karkat pause. He felt his blood-pusher drop into his stomach and his breath caught in his chest. Faintly, ever so faintly, he saw a pale yellow line from both the man and the woman stretch and stretch and stretch….and sink right into Dave’s chest. 

**==== > TT: Your name is Dirk Strider and you are filled with regret. **

It had started out simple enough, Dave and Karkat had been gone on one of Aradia’s goose chases for almost a week and Dirk realized he ought to come out and be more social. It wasn't because Dave was gone (though he was loathe to admit that was a factor) so he didn't have to be reminded of certain...things, and it wasn't because they had been gone so long (which wasn't unusual with Aradia, wherever they went, time either went quickly and they were back in seconds, or time slowed down and they were gone for weeks), but more of a mixture of the two. Oh, and the new trolls, that was always interesting. So here Dirk was, trying to be social. By which he meant dropping in on Roxy in the engine room. It was a start. 

“Hallo, Dirk!” A sweet voice called from his left, well, his bottom left. Callie only really came up to just past his waist. 

“Oh, hey Callie,” Dirk gave a brief smile by way of greeting. “I was just about to visit Roxy.”

“Oh you should play cards with us!” Callie said excitedly, proffering up a deck of cards from some hidden pocket. “I just went and got some from our room.”

Dirk quirked an eyebrow up. “Cards? Glad to see our engineers are working hard, sorry no, hardly working. That's what I meant.”

“Oh hush,” Callie smacked him lightly before skipping ahead to open the engine room door (quite a feat considering the handle was at her eye level). “Everything's running fine, as long as nothing goes wrong-”

“Callie sweetie you're going to jinx it!” Roxy called from somewhere above. Dirk followed the voice and saw his sister hanging upside down by her knees in order to reach a something with her wrench. “What's up, Dirky?”

Dirk strolled over to just beneath her, hands in his pockets, and leaned against a support beam. “Is that safe?” He asked. The question might as well have been rhetorical, he already knew the answer. 

“Nope!” Roxy grinned, tying the wrench back into her belt. She grabbed the pipe she was hanging off of, rightened herself, then hopped down to straddle a pipe more at level with her twin. “Well well well, if it ain't Mr. Recluse himself! Are you finally done moping?”

“I'm being social,” Dirk raised his eyebrows. “This is a social call. Make of that what you will.”

“Y’know Dirky,” Roxy slide to the ground, rewrapping her purple scarf around her neck, arms, the pockets of her once pink overalls, wherever she could manage so that it wouldn't drag along the ground. “Visiting me n’ Callie in the engine room once a week doesn't _really_ count as being social. As much as I love your visits, I would love seeing you get out and about even more.”

“I know,” Dirk walked around inspecting some of the machinery. 

“You're not going to find anything wrong!” Roxy called. “Callie here is the best A-ganger I've ever had, she helps me keep everything in tip top shape while I focus on the core.”

“You guys might've missed something,” Dirk leaned in close and poked one of the gears. “I just want to be...thorough.” He felt a hand rest gently on his shoulder and stiffened, then relaxed. 

“Dirk…” Roxy whispered. “I don't know how to help you, I… I can't imagine what I would do if something happened to Callie, but it wasn't your fault and you can't keep _blaming_ yourself.” 

“Who said I was blaming myself?” Dirk asked flatly, a useless question. They both knew that was exactly what he was doing. 

“Just come eat dinner with all of us tonight, okay?” Roxy pleaded. “You can't only come out for the fighting. Look, Karkat must've gone with Davey, but Kanaya and Sollux are still here and they're a real hoot and half, I think you'd like ‘em.”

“Maybe.” Dirk imagined what it would be like to eat in the galley with the rest of the crew, but all he could picture was that one empty seat and- “I don't know.”

“It wasn't your fault, Dirky, really,” Roxy squeezed his arm emphatically. “Just because-”

“Just because what?” Dirk shook her off and pressed his palms against the wall, leaning in. “Because I let him go off on that _stupid_ mission? Because I didn't go with him? Because I'm the reason he's-” Dirk’s voice caught in his throat. “Because I'm the reason he's _gone_ , Rox.”

“It wasn't your fault,” she insisted again. “I don't care what you think.”

“Of course it was,” Dirk smiled sadly. “I was the captain. I was in charge. I should've known better.”

“You _are_ the captain,” Roxy leaned back on her heels, spine digging into the wall so should could peer under Dirk’s outstretched arms to look him in the eye. “You know Davey’s only stepping in until you feel up to it again.”

“I know,” Dirk groaned running a hand down his face. “That's why I can't even look him in the eye, knowing he's in that fucking position because I couldn't handle it. Still can't handle it.”

“You should talk to him about it,” Roxy rubbed his arm affectionately. “You should talk to all of us, we’re a family, we can help.”

“Right,” Dirk barked a dry laugh. “Family Matters 101: How to Help Your Brother Cope With Being Responsible For His Boyfriend’s Death.”

 

**==== > CG: Manage to royally fuck up in the exact way you were warned not to. **

“You're looking at me funny, Kat,” Dave chuckled nervously. “Uh, what's up dude?”

“I told you never to fucking call me that,” Karkat swallowed, staring fixedly at the two pale lines sinking deep into Dave’s chest. His heart wasn't in the expletive. 

“Okay,” Dave said slowly. “Then can you tell me why you're staring at my upper body like you haven't eaten in weeks and I'm the juiciest filet at the buffet?”

Karkat pointed to the couple that had just walked in as they shook hands with some of their crew mates and went to sit down. “Those two, the male and the female, do you see them?”

Dave turned in their direction and took off his shades. Karkat’s eyes widened at the sight and he watched Dave watching them, which was how he saw the exact moment that Dave understood. It was a fascinating thing to watch, really. Karkat had just been trying to see his eyes, not that he _cared_ exactly, he was just curious about exactly what Dave’s ganderbulbs looked like for no apparent reason. Ahem. Anyways. First, Dave was squinting in confusion, he had hoped, perhaps in vain, that he had no reason to know these people, or anyone on this crew for that matter. He'd bought the ship off a shady dealer in the black market, the nuclear core was barely in safe condition and the interior design was shabby at best. But after some reupholstering and Roxy working her magic, the ship had become a home for the crew of eight, friends since birth. 

Since birth. 

Since before birth. 

The crew of the _Sburb_ knew little of their parents, only that they had been a part of some naval crew. The kids were left in the care of friends, and one day, when the youngest of them (John) had just turned 10, an officer knocked on their door and told them that their parents had ‘died in the line of duty’. _Some ships don't make it back, kids,_ was all he'd had to say before shipping them off to separate orphanages. They kept in touch, but conditions were horrible. The second Dirk, and Roxy turned thirteen, they pooled all their money, all of everyone's money, and bought a ship in a back alley port. It barely ran and looked like shit, but after months of secret care, smuggled parts, and black market dealing that more often than not reverted to Dirk pulling out his sword, Jake’s guns, or Roxy having to expend massive quantities of energy to use her aspect to simply create the part they needed, it was done. All 8 kids; Dirk, Roxy, Dave, Rose, John, Jade, Jane, and Jake snuck aboard in the dead of night and never went back. They didn't realize until much later that their parents had served in the now obsolete human sector of the Condesce’s army, and that the ship they'd purchased had been theirs. Fate, as Sollux would say and Rose would wholeheartedly concur, was a real bitch. 

So Aradia had brought them to see the former crew of the _Sburb,_ back when it had had a different crew. Their parents crew. This was the ship they died on in all its former glory. 

Karkat watched this revelation unfold in a manner of seconds. Eyes squinting, confusion. Eyes widening, realization. An array of emotion passed over Dave’s face like the dial of a radio switching from station to station, shock, sadness, anger, loss, denial, loss, loss, _loss_. Dave slid his shades back down onto the bridge of his nose and turned back towards Karkat. 

“Those are my parents,” it was not a question. 

“Yes,” it was not an answer. 

“You knew,” again, a statement. 

“I did,” he did. 

“How?” 

“The lines, the strings connected you,” Karkat looked at the couple. “Your human lusii…”

“Parents,” Dave corrected quietly. 

“They look like you,” Karkat’s hand twitched as if it wanted to comfort Dave of its own accord. Karkat turned back toward where Dave been standing, but he was gone. _Fuck_. 

Dave stood in front of his parents and stared. 

“Fuck!” Karkat swore. “Strider, you get your idiot human load dumper back here this instant!” 

Dave didn't move. 

“Strider!” Karkat hissed. “Aradia said if we interfere she can't keep us hidden, does that factor anywhere into your dreary existential equation?”

Dave looked back at Karkat, gave a winning smile, and Karkat knew they were absolutely, definitively, fucked. 

Karkat stormed over to where Dave was standing as quickly as he could, muttering under his breath the entire time. “Strider I swear to god if you do anything _at all_ , do you hear me you ugly, blithering, flapsniffing _shit infant_ -”

“Hi my name's Dave, you don't know me,” the shit infant said, breaking one of the most cardinal rules of his aspect. Impressively, it took less than three seconds for the entirety of the crew in the galley to point their weapons at him, the idiot human boy who appeared out of thin air and confirmed that he was a complete stranger. 

Karkat grabbed his arm and yanked him out of the galley as fast as he possibly could, ducking into a hallway as the room exploded into chaos behind them. 

“Duuude, why'd you do that?” Dave whined to likely the most unsympathetic ears he could possibly have chosen. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Karkat could not believe his incredibly unsympathetic ears. “Aradia specifically said ‘no interfering’ and what the fuck do you do! You interfere!”

“He's right, Dave,” Aradia materialized next to them from the shadows. “I was very clear.”

Dave looked helplessly between them. “It was my parents,” he stressed. “Do you know how many answers I need from them? How much I need to know?”

“Yes. Yes I do,” Aradia pulled out an envelope and handed it to Dave. “This has all the answers you need, and then some.”

“You're...you're not going to punish us?” Karkat looked at the envelope in Dave’s hands, then back at Aradia who looked uncharacteristically uncheerful. “You're just going to give him the information and then take us back?”

“Take you back?” Aradia’s smile slowly returned along with a wide eyed look of faux innocence. “I did say not to interfere, didn't I?”

Dave went a shade paler. “Aradia,” he said slowly. “I've never traveled more than a few minutes at a time before, you know that right?”

“Oh yes,” Aradia reassured him. “That's going to make this all the more interesting, don't you think?” She gave one last bright, eerie grin, took a step back, and vanished into a cloud of red mist and the sound of cogs and gears. The boys were alone. 

“Well,” Karkat smacked Dave upside the head. “We’re fucked, asswad, what do you wanna do about it?”

“What do I wanna do about it?” Dave exclaimed. “Why me?

“Oh I don't know, could it be because you're the dashing pirate captain I so wholeheartedly placed my nearest and dearest faith in?” Karkat growled. “Or could it be because you're the one that got us into this fucking mess? Because I would go with the latter on that one!”

“I don't know! I have to, um,” Dave ran a hand through his hair as he frantically tried to gather his thoughts, an endeavor made that much more difficult by the shouts of the crew growing ever closer. “I have to figure out how to time jump back to our ship.”

“Okay, so do it,” Karkat said nervously. “What exactly are the problems you've been having?”

“I can go forward and backward a few minutes at a time,” Dave grinned weakly. “Once, I managed to go forward a half an hour and then passed out for the rest of the day.”

If Karkat had been a less dignified troll, the sound he let out might have been classified as a whimper. 

“Oh god,” Dave’s eyes were wide and he brought his hands up to his head. “We’re stuck here. She fucking left us here. Karkat, holy shit I don't know what to do I've never been able to do this before I don't know how to do this I don't understand-”

“Hey hey hey, look at me,” Karkat grabbed the human by the shoulders and tilted his own head up slightly to look Dave in the eyes, well, at best approximation through the shades. “Just, breathe okay? We’re gonna make it out of here, I believe that you can do this, which makes me an even bigger idiot than you.”

Dave laughed weakly and took a few breaths. “Okay, okay,” he sighed. “I think I'm good.”

“Strider,” Karkat said slowly. “I need you to do whatever it is you do to jump forward in time, and I need you to think about your sister.”

“My- what?” Dave asked. “Rose? Why?”

“Just think of your ship and your crew and your family,” Karkat rolled up his sleeves. “We’re both going to try something new today.”

“What are you gonna do?” Dave asked hesitantly. 

“The connections between all these people?” Karkat gestured towards the growing noise. “I'm going to try to loosen them a little, not enough to turn them against each other permanently, just enough to get them more focused on fighting each other than finding us.”

“Do you know how to do that?” Dave questioned anxiously. 

“No,” Karkat swallowed. “Just, be ready, okay?”

Dave nodded, then closed his eyes and began concentrating. 

Karkat took this as his cue to go, and he got as close as he could to where the crew was about to pass through. Eyes closed, he reached out with his mind and envisioned the tangled mess of connections that tied the crew together. He imagined loosening the bonds just a hint, nothing serious, and wouldn't have thought it had worked if he did not immediately feel massively drained. Karkat leaned heavily against the wall and listened, thankfully the shouts had momentarily died down, then started focusing on each other and heading in the opposite direction. Karkat stumbled back over to where Dave was standing with eyes squeezed shut, hands clenched into fists at his side. 

“You ready?” Karkat wheezed, thoroughly drained. 

“I think so,” Dave sounded like he did not think so, but Karkat felt a definite shift in the air. Dave's image began to falter, almost fade in and out, and Karkat managed to grab ahold of his arm just in time before they blinked out of sight. 

**==== > TG: Pass the fuck out. **

When Dave opened his eyes again, he knew they were back in their own time. They were still in the hallway so it wasn't that it necessarily looked different, no, it was a feeling that he instinctively knew, felt, was correct. More time powers apparently. But he didn't have time to linger on this new fact because he was _so fucking happy_ to be back in his own time. 

“Holy shit,” he said sounded more than slightly surprised. “I did it?”

Karkat, who still had his eyes squeezed shut as he clung to Dave's sleeve so tightly that Dave could feel the troll’s claws digging, slowly cracked a single eye open. “You...did it?”

“You sound shocked,” Dave laughed. “What happened to all that ‘I believe in you’ shit, dude?”

“Strider, for once in your miserable human life you did not massively let me down, congratulations,” Karkat tried to sound angry but could barely manage to keep the relief from his voice. 

Dave grinned and then suddenly the ground seemed a lot closer than it had before. Huh. As he pitched forward Karkat’s eyes widened and he quickly moved to catch him as best he could. 

“Strider, holy shit,” Karkat struggled to keep the pirate upright. “Are you alright?”

Dave steadied himself with one hand on Karkat's forearm and the other on a shoulder. “Uh, yeah’m fine I think,” he tried to speak clearly but his mouth really didn't want to work. “Never done that much before, think I need to sleep.” He tried to take a step and nearly collapsed again. “Definitely need to sleep,” he mumbled. 

“You think, asshole?” Karkat rolled his eyes and was glad Dave was too out of it to pay attention because otherwise, he might've noticed the small smile trying to creep its way onto Karkat's mouth as he slipped Dave's arm around his shoulder and started walking him forward. “Which one is your room, again?”

“ ‘Cross from yours,” Dave tightened his arm around Karkat as he leaned heavily on the troll. “Don't you pay attention when I say stuff to you?” He joked weakly. 

“No,” Karkat was definitely not grinning. “Whenever you speak I hear nothing but the sound of ice tea being stirred, it's a coping mechanism I picked up for my old captain and thank fucking goodness it works just as well on you.”

“That hurts Karkles, you wound me,” he drawled, the barest hint of a southern accent gracing his slowing speech. He would've had the decency to be embarrassed about it if he could focus on, well, anything right about now. He wondered briefly if this was how people felt after getting teeth pulled. Gods it would hurt to get your teeth pulled, that shit was like...your bones. He realized that the plot of Shrek 4 didn't make sense. If rumpelstiltskin took away the day he was born, what about the nine months in the womb? Couldn't his ogre mom just give birth the next day? Oh shit, was Karkat saying something?

“Strider we’re in your room can you please stop hanging off my body like a limp grub noodle?” Karkat said loudly in his ear. 

“Mmph, no need to shout dude I can hear you,” Dave groaned and collapsed on top of his bed. “Actually, you're always shouting aren't you? You should...chill out.”

“Uh huh,” Karkat sounded extremely unimpressed. From this angle Dave noticed that Karkat had a very nice jawline. Was it this nice from every angle? He should probably pay more attention, but maybe not right now. “Well if you don't need anymore help because you've decided to act like the grown human you are, I'm going to go to sleep myself. Don't wake me up unless someone is actually dying.”

As Karkat turned to leave, Dave reached out and grabbed his wrist. “Wait,” he struggled to sit up. “I just...wanted to say thanks.”

Karkat frowned. “For what? You're the one that got us out of there.”

Dave shook his head as vehemently as he could. “No, you did something...to buy us time, and you helped me, but that isn't what I was thanking you for.”

“Well what are you thanking me for, then?” Karkat pressed impatiently. “You're about to pass the fuck out, whatever it is it's fine it's whatever.”

“I just saw my dead parents, asshole,” Dave tried to sound anything other than completely drained. “And you...really helped, just, being there. You tried to stop me from doing...something stupid, and then after I did it you...helped me calm down. I really appreciate that.”

“Yeah okay, whatever,” Karkat shifted uncomfortably, an unfamiliarly warm feeling curling in his stomach. “Uh, you're welcome I guess.”

“Mm,” was all Dave could manage as his head hit the pillow and his breathing evened out. He was too deeply unconscious to notice anything after that. He didn't even flinch when Karkat gently removed his shades, folded them, and set them on the bedside stand, and he certainly didn't see Karkat pause in the doorframe and turn around, just for a moment, to see his face as he slept

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;) ;) ;)


	4. Horrorterrors aren't as scary as our feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “That morbid time hack Aradia says your brother and I need training to help develop our abilities or some fuck shit like that,” Karkat made a face. “And since she is oh-so-busy doing whatever the fuck it is chaotic-neutral freaks like her do in their spare time, she says the only person who can take up that righteous mantle of utter bullshit is the elusive Dirk Strider himself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DIRK used SELF-DOUBT!  
> .....it's super effective!

**==== > CG: THANKS FOR LEAVING US WITH THE GHOST OF 12th PERIGEE’S PAST, FUCKASS. **

Karkat was scarfing down his food at the big table when Kanaya sat next to him with a large smile and a crushing hug. 

“Holy fuck, Kanaya,” he sputtered. “I'm trying to eat, what the fuck are you doing?”

“I've missed you!” Kanaya released him. “It's been almost two weeks, I was beginning to worry despite Rose’s reassurances that this was quite normal.”

Karkat dropped his fork. “Two weeks?” He exclaimed in disbelief. “We were barely gone two _hours_ , what the fuck are you talking about?”

Before Kanaya could respond, a familiar red apparition appeared, sitting opposite him at the table and Karkat had to resist jumping across to tear its face off. 

“I see you made it back alright?” Aradia smiled sweetly. 

“Yeah, no thanks to you, psychopath,” Karkat growled, teeth bared. “What the fuck were you thinking? Dave almost lost his shit and he barely made it work, now he's passed the fuck out for probably another goddamn year he's so exhausted, but more importantly you fucking left us in another time! We could've fucked shit up! Fuck you!”

“Are you done?” Aradia sat there, that infuriating smile still in her face. “Because I'd like to discuss your future training. And Dave’s of course but he seems to be, ah, indisposed at the moment.”

“And whose fault is that?” Karkat muttered. “Fine, fuck, whatever, I don't want anything from you, especially not training. Actually I do want one thing, and that is to never see you again. Ever. Stay the fuck away from me forever, please.”

“Oh of course I won't be training you,” Aradia laughed. “I'm a busy troll! Besides, I'm not really supposed to interfere with events unless it's vital to the upkeep of the timeline.”

“So then why have you been jumping Dave around like a hopbeast searching for a fucking carrot?” Karkat demanded. “Was that ‘necessary’ to the timeline?”

“Well I do have certain...pet projects,” Aradia’s grin took on a sinister air. “It wasn't so much necessary as...inevitable, I just sped things up a little,” She finished with a wink. “Personal interest, you understand.”

“No I absolutely the fuck do not,” Karkat said. “If you ever fuck with me like that again, I will end your miserable existence and rip that terrifying smile from your face.”

“Anyways,” Aradia transitioned. “Obviously I can't train you, but there's someone aboard this ship who knows enough about fighting and using their abilities to do so. They also know quite a bit about classes and aspects so they should be able to help you and Dave figure all that out.”

“Okay, I'll bite the proverbial bait, who is it?” Karkat asked impatiently. 

“Why, Dave’s brother of course,” Aradia smiled innocently. “Dirk, the Prince of Heart.”

And with that, she was gone. 

“Drop a fucking bomb like that and then peace the fuck out,” Karkat muttered, pushing his food away. “Dirk, that bland name sounds vaguely familiar the same way all dull human names do, did we meet him yesterday?”

“Two weeks ago,” Kanaya corrected. “And no, I actually haven't caught sight of him in my entire stay here. Rose says he's been a bit reclusive after certain extenuating circumstances that I have not yet been privy to.”

“Of course, because no one on this ship can be straightforward and uncomplicated,” Karkat sighed. “Is that a human thing or is this particular bunch just especially fucked up?”

“Well they seem nice for humans, I suppose,” Kanaya shifted self-consciously in her chair. “I don't meet a wide range.”

Karkat studied her for a second. “You've been mentioning Rose a lot,” he narrowed his eyes. “What's up with that?”

Kanaya flushed slightly green. “A lot has happened while you were gone, you should talk to Rose about seeing Dirk though, she might be able to help.”

“I'm sure,” Karkat replied drily. 

“Oh hey, you're trying to talk to Dirk?” The human with the messy hair, large front teeth, and glasses plopped down where Aradia had previously been seated. “Can you give him a message for me? I haven't seen him in _weeks_ since, well, the thing happened.” 

Karkat remembered briefly that this one’s name was John, then mentally patted himself on the back for such an impressive feat. “Since what happened? You all keep mentioning it but I still don't know what the fuck went down.”

John rubbed the back of his neck as if the topic needed physically coaxing out of him. “Dirk sort of, well he's kind of been not very social ever since- gosh I'm bad at explaining things,” John chuckled nervously. “There um, there used to be eight of us.”

“Oh,” Karkat blinked. “Were he and this other human...involved?”

“Yeah they were pretty involved,” John smiled sadly. “I mean, we all were a little so it's been really hard.”

“You...all were?” Karkat shared a look of equal parts concern and confusion with Kanaya. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, haha not like that,” John grinned. “He was my cousin, Jade’s too, and he and Jane were best friends. He just, we've all known him for, well forever I guess. We all grew up together but uh, especially we were in a home together for two years so it's been, sorry I'm really not very good at explaining things,” John finished sheepishly. 

“So, allow me to attempt to get this straight,” Kanaya placed her fingers delicately on the table as she worked it out mentally. “Jake is part of some complicated familial structure with you and Jade, and moirails with Jane? Then you and he spent a large amount of time together as wrigglers, sorry, children, and at some point during this he and Dirk became involved in, I assume the red quadrant?”

“Uh, that kinda sounds right?” John squinted in confusion. “I don't really know what a moirail or the red quadrant is but if they mean best friend and boyfriend then yeah, you got it!”

“Sure sure okay, terminology aside,” Karkat waved his hands as if to push away that train of thought. “So Dirk has been mourning the loss of his matesprit which is why no one has seen him leave his living chamber for at least a perigee, how does Aradia expect us to get him to train us?”

“Oh geez,” John wrinkled his nose. “She's spooky, but if she wants Dirk to train you, she's got good reasons,” he admitted. “I don't know exactly why she does, uh, anything really! But she's always right and knows stuff before we do usually, so I would probably trust her.”

“Great,” Karkat groaned. “What can you tell me about this Dirk character? I know he's good with a sword because he knocked me the fuck out before I was abducted by you idiots, but what else?”

“He's awesome,” John assured him. “That's really all there is to say on the matter!”

“Wow okay that helped fucking nothing,” Karkat grumbled. “How do I get him to help Dave and me?”

“I guess you could probably go to Roxy,” John mused. “She's Dirk’s twin, I think he still visits her every once in while so if anyone knows how to get to Dirk, it'd be her!”

“Finally, useful information being imparted to me in a clear and sane manner,” Karkat rose from the table. “You know, John, you're not half bad for a human.”

“Awh, thanks Karkat!” John grinned, then bit his lip. “I should probably go take down the bucket from your door, I would feel kinda bad about it now!”

“The _what_ ,” Karkat's eyes widened as John scurried away. 

“It doesn't hold the same meaning for humans,” Kanaya reassured him, although she looked rather uncomfortable herself. “John enjoys partaking in something he calls ‘pranks’, practical jokes which are quite funny as long as you don't happen to be the recipient.”

“Fucking amazing,” Karkat sighed. “Whatever, let's go talk to this Roxy human.”

The pair stood and made their way to the engine room, helpfully labelled with a bright pink sign that had been carefully bedazzled and covered in a healthy amount of glitter and wizard stickers. Karkat wished he had bet money on this group of humans being absolutely insane because he would be raking it in right about now. 

“Do we knock?” Kanaya asked. 

“Would she hear us?” Karkat quirked an eyebrow, aside from the sounds of metal and steam, some sort of techno-pop music was emanating from within. 

“Excellent point,” Kanaya agreed, and pulled open the door. “After you.”

Karkat rolled his eyes and stepped inside, Kanaya behind him. The engine room appeared to be...empty?

“Look out below!” A voice called from somewhere up above, and before Karkat knew what was going on, an extremely long purple scarf had dropped into his arms, covered his head, caught on his horns, and trailed onto the floor. 

“What the fuck,” he tried to say, but through the scarf it sounded more like, “whuff the fugg.”

Through the layers he watched as a figure clad in greasy pink overalls hopped lightly down from wherever the fuck she'd been apparently roosting in the rafters. 

“I'll take that!” She sang and began re-wrapping the purple monstrosity around herself. “What can I do ya for, folks?”

Before Karkat could respond, Roxy’s eyes settled on him and she gasped. 

“Oh hey! You're the one that's been off with Davey!” She grinned and shook his hand so vehemently he was afraid his whole arm might detach. “I'm glad he didn't have to go alone with Aradia, she gives me the willie-nillies.”

“Fuck! Yes, those, thank you,” Karkat attempted to shake back but there was really nothing to be done. “She's creepy, right? It's not just me?”

“Nope!” Roxy suddenly broke off the handshake and looked around. “Give me just one second, I need to finish what I was doing before y'all came in.”

“Oh of course,” Kanaya said. “We wouldn't want to distract you from anything pressing, your work is absolutely invaluable to-”

“Found you!” Roxy cried from behind a grouping of pipes and the trolls jumped at a loud crash. 

“The ship,” Kanaya finished, sounding unimpressed. 

“Blimey, Roxy!” An unfamiliar voice called. “It's hide-and-go-seek not shark week! You nearly gave me a heart attack, sneaking up like a right beastie!”

“Ahaha, sorry Callie,” Roxy reappeared, a short green cherub in dirty green overalls following closely behind. “I had to make it quick, we've got visitors.”

“Oh! Lovely to see you again, Kanaya!” Callie's offered a bright smile. “And lovely to meet you, Karkat is it?”

“Uh, yeah,” Karkat shook his head, lost as to what had just happened. “Nice to meet you, too.”

“So!” Roxy pulled up some plastic chairs that had clearly seen better days, Karkat wouldn't sit down in one until he saw that Roxy herself had and they wouldn't collapse under his weight. “Back to business! What's up?”

“That morbid time hack Aradia says your brother and I need training to help develop our abilities or some fuck shit like that,” Karkat made a face. “And since she is oh-so-busy doing whatever the fuck it is chaotic-neutral freaks like her do in their spare time, she says the only person who can take up that righteous mantle of utter bullshit is the elusive Dirk Strider himself.”

“I see,” Roxy bit her lip. “Honestly? I think it would be good for him.”

“Really?” Karkat blinked in surprise. “You're not going to get all protective, ‘no leave Dirk alone he's in pain’ or anything?”

“He is in pain,” Roxy admitted. “But it's been long enough, he's never going to get better if he keeps moping in his room. Fighting is one of the few things he still does, I don't think training you would be too much to ask of him and hopefully he'd start coming out of his room more if he's around people.”

“Yeah I mean,” Karkat shared a slightly bewildered look with Kanaya who only shrugged. He'd been expecting more of an ordeal about this. “That sounds good, I assume you'd like to talk to him about this?”

“Yeah, for sure,” Roxy tapped her foot thoughtfully. “I'll go talk to him, if all goes well I'll tell him that you guys should meet up in the training room this Friday, hopefully Dave should be awake by then.”

“Hopefully? Isn't it Sunday? That's,” Karkat paused to count through the days on his finger. “Five days, not including today, is he usually out that long after jumping?”

“Yeah, poor Davey was out for a week and a half the first time he went more than a few seconds ahead and back.” Roxy lamented. “My estimation is pretty optimistic, actually, he's never ever gone this far before. I wanted to ask you about that though, how'd he do it?”

“What do you mean?” Karkat tilted his head to the side. “He just...did it, I guess. I didn't think he did anything special.”

“Hm,” Roxy pursed her lips. “He probably just felt like he was in danger or something, that usually triggers some crazy stuff.”

“Probably,” Karkat echoed. “That's gotta be it.”

**==== >TG: Convince your brother to do the thing. **

“Diiiiirky, open up please!” Roxy knocked on Dirk’s door. “C’mon, something happened and I need to talk to you!” 

“Not in the mood, Rox,” Dirk’s muffled voice called through the door. Roxy probably should've come up with some sort of plan of attack, but she'd been so excited at the prospect of getting Dirk out of his room for anything other than visiting her and ghosting around the engine room like a lost puppy that as soon as Karkat and Kanaya had left, she'd put Callie in charge and headed to Dirk’s room straight away.

“Please, Dirky?” Roxy coaxed. “C’mon, if you don't come out everyone's gonna think you're some kind of weirdo douchebag.”

“Everyone already thinks I'm some kind of weirdo douchebag,” Dirk assured her. “Might as well let them hold on to their preconceived notions.”

“You're _not_ a weirdo douchebag!” Roxy groaned. “Your dunkass shenanigans leave behind a residue that looks like douche and tastes like douche, but it's not actually douche. It's like, douche substitute. ‘I can't believe it's not douche”. Um. Please let me in.”

“No keep going, please,” Dirk sounded vaguely amused. “This is top notch entertainment.”

“No, I just wanna tell you about what happened to Dave,” Roxy groaned, and boy did she wish she had started with that. The door flew open and Dirk yanked her inside so fast she practically got whiplash. 

“What happened to Dave, is he okay?” Dirk gripped her tight by her shoulders, searching her face from behind his shades. 

“Yeah he's fine!” Roxy laughed. “Better than fine, well not really because he's super passed the fuck out, but only because he used his time powers to jump really far, so, fine!”

“Okay, can you backtrack? Why'd he have to use them? I thought Aradia was always pulling him places,” Dirk frowned. “He's never been able to jump very far, he could've overextended himself I don't think he should've tried that.”

“Wasn't his fault from what Karkat told me,” Roxy shrugged. “He and Kanaya came to see me after they got back, Dave messed with something and Aradia told him to hop back himself. Poor guy didn't really have a choice.”

“Great,” Dirk ran a hand through his hair and slid down the wall as he sat, arms resting on his knees. “So, not only is he in danger with Aradia, he's exhausted trying to figure out his powers, and he has to be in charge? Jesus, Rox, I’m _breaking_ him.”

“No you're not,” Roxy slid down next to him and rested her head on his shoulder. “He's doing this so he can help, no one blames you for anything, once you get back on your feet-”

“What if I can't, though?” Dirk whispered. “I, I don't know if I can trust myself anymore, everything I do I'm just second-guessing my own motivations.”

“You can,” Roxy said sternly. “That's part of why I'm here, Aradia said that Dave and Karkat need training, fighting and using their aspects. You're our best fighter no matter what Dave says,” Roxy cracked a smile. “And you're really the only one that understands all the shenanigans and minutiae about classes and aspects and all that crazy biz.”

“She wants me to train them,” Dirk said flatly. “That's gonna be a hard pass.”

“I think it would be good for you,” Roxy pushed. “You help out on jobs and raids anyways, this would only be once a week if that's all you can handle, just show them what to do and they can practice on their own.

“I don't know,” Dirk frowned and suddenly the blare of alarms cut through interrupting anything he'd been about to say. 

“Shit,” Roxy hissed. “We’re being attacked? Are they shooting or boarding?” She scrambled up to the nearest monitor and checked the readings. 

“Lil Hal, status update,” Dirk called as he rose from the ground and pulled a katana off the wall. 

“Intruders have us in traction to keep us from making a jump to enter FTL,” Hal intoned. “They seem to be attempting to board through the third quarter entrance with hostility.”

“Well shit,” Dirk swore almost thoughtfully. “Dave is out for the count which means we're down one very solid fighter. I need you to grab the trolls on your way to the armory, hopefully we have some weapons there they'll be able to use while you grab your rifles.”

“Aye-aye, captain!” Roxy waggled her eyebrows. Dirk could say he doubted his every action, but his first instinct was to take charge and she'd be damned if he didn't do a good job of it. 

“Yeah yeah,” Dirk waved her off self-consciously. “And uh, Rox?”

“Yeah?” She turned to face him just as she made it to the doorway. 

“Just, when they choose weapons don't, don't let them choose, you know,” He took a deep breath. “His guns, just, don't let them choose those.”

Roxy’s expression softened. “Of course not,” she reassured him, then ran off down the hallway. 

 

**==== > CG: You are getting really sick of having to fight aliens. **

“What actual fuck,” Karkat groaned. “I literally just sat down.” After talking to Roxy, he and Kanaya had gone to relax in the common room where he'd had every intention of finding _something_ worthwhile to watch in their pile of trash earth movies, a respectable rom-com at least. But no, the universe decided to give him a giant middle finger. 

“Are they under attack?” Kanaya asked worriedly. “I don't have any of my weapons here.”

“That's where I come in!” Roxy sprinted in breathlessly from the hallway, looked behind her, then motioned for them to follow. “C’mon, my rifles are in the armory, let's see if we've got anything in there that suits your tastes, huh?”

Karkat sighed, but reluctantly obliged as he stood and followed Roxy and Kanaya, who had been plenty excited at the prospect of new weapons. As they approached a heavily locked room, Roxy began pushing buttons, scanning fingers, and entering codes faster than Karkat's eyes could follow. Once the door had opened and Roxy had bolted inside, she gestured to the walls covered in all sorts of guns, swords, and any other deadly object you could possibly imagine. 

“Take your pick, folks!” Roxy grinned as she loaded up on ammunition. “Just uh, no handguns from the left wall, yeah?” Seemingly pleased with her work, Roxy gave a nod and dashed back up to the fight. 

Karkat looked around, swords had never really been his thing, he didn't much care for guns either. He wondered if by any chance they had-

“Karkat,” Kanaya pointed to the back wall. “Sickles.”

“Oh fuck yes,” Karkat gave a predatory grin and took them down. He tried an experimentory swing with each and then looked up to where Kanaya was revving an extremely large chainsaw. “Well shit, that'll get the job done.”

“Ready?” She smiled. 

“As I'll fucking ever be,” Karkat replied, and the two headed into the fray. 

It was...chaotic. Sollux was, as always, easy to spot. His psiionics made for an excellent advantage, he could hold enemies in place and take their weapons while the others ran them through. The invaders were some disgusting type of life-form Karkat had never seen before. Vaguely humanoid, enough to wield blunt swords and clubs, but where a face should have been on the unnaturally round head was a gaping maw with rows upon rows of teeth and tentacles slithering in between. It made for a disturbing image. 

“What are these?” Kanaya asked, horrified, to Rose who had made her way through with a pair of knitting needles that seemed to crackle with some sort of electricity. 

“Horrorterrors,” Rose responded grimly. “That's what we refer to them as, at least. They come onboard instead of shooting us down, we've no clue why, it seems they want something from our ship but whatever it is they've never made it past this room.”

“You do appear to be excellent fighters,” as two horrorterrors approached from opposite sides, the girls went back to back as they fought like a well-oiled machine, or a choreographed dance. Karkat swallowed a lump in his throat as an ache took hold somewhere deep in his chest that he couldn't quite place. He shook his head as if to rid himself of whatever emotions plagued him, and dove into the fight. Karkat slashed and sliced with his sickles, the beasts’ skin wasn't difficult to penetrate, but they had a viscous texture, slimy and thick. Once they received a fatal blow however, they turned to dust. The battle was only a matter of staying out of reach of the tentacles. The creatures didn't seem to be very intelligent which made Karkat wonder, if they weren't smart enough to fight, then who was piloting their ship? Before he could ponder that particular issue too far, a figure appeared next to him and Karkat nearly jumped out of his skin. _Dave_ , he thought, but no. Just someone who looked extremely like him. Dirk. 

“So I hear I'm supposed to be training you,” Dirk said has he sliced through a horrorterror to Karkat’s left. 

Karkat frowned and hooked a creature to Dirk’s right, slashing through it and glaring at the human when he was done. “You heard right,” he growled. “That psycho Aradia says you're the best one for the job, but all I've seen is that you're too much of a wriggler to leave your room unless you're killing something.”

Dirk stiffened as he caught another horrorterror with his sword. “That's fair,” he admitted. “What's your aspect anyways? I'd like to know what I'd be getting into if I agree to this.”

“No idea,” Karkat grunted as one of the beast’s tentacles slammed into him before he cut it off. “Didn't know I had one ‘till yesterday when Aradia fucked with my thinkpan.”

“Huh,” Dirk said thoughtfully as he stabbed through another alien. “So, Dave has no idea what his class is, and you've got no idea what your anything is, and Aradia thinks you need me to help figure this all out?”

“Apparently,” Karkat grumbled as he sliced through two more horrorterrors, the number seemed to be thinning out. 

“What happened to Dave on that last trip?” Dirk questioned, the two moving in a jerky circle. Their fighting styles clashed too much, if the enemies had been any more difficult, conversation would have been impossible. 

“Is this really the best time for story hour?” Karkat asked, cutting through a tentacle that got too close. These Striders were going to be the death of him. 

“Well unless you'd like to relay the story through my closed door,” Dirk clenched his jaw as he dug his sword out of the result of a particularly deep lunge, thick goo dripping off of it. “This is the only face to face time we’re going to be getting. Unless you can convince me to train you, which you can do by telling me how you got Dave’s ass out of there.”

“Me?” Karkat swung his leg in a low kick, tripping one of the horrorterrors and slicing it nearly in half. “I didn't do shit, that was all him. Time powers, remember?”

“Of course I remember,” Dirk audibly rolled his eyes, a difficult feat considering his sword was buried up to the hilt in disgusting, tentacle beast. “But he's never been able to jump that far before, and you're the only new environmental factor. It's a simple deduction, man, you must have helped somehow.”

Karkat was silent as his sickles clanged against the teeth of another creature. “Well when you say it like that,” he allowed. “All I did was tell him to think of his family I guess. I told him to do whatever the fuck he usually does but think of the people he wanted to get back to. Motivational shit, whatever.”

“Huh,” Dirk sounded thoughtfully, Karkat realized now how he had been KO’d so easily back on the imperial ship, Dirk moved like his sword was an extension of his body. He poured himself into the weapon as if he could will it to move fluidly, precisely, exactly where it needed to be. Needless to say, Karkat was more than a little jealous, and begrudgingly able to admit that Aradia had been right about him needing training from the older Strider. 

“That's all you have to say?” Karkat demanded as he caught a tentacle in the crook of his sickle and twisted. “No profound fucking revelation? Just ‘huh’?”

“I'm thinking, hold your horses,” Dirk grimaced as a stray tentacle knocked his shades askew. He decapitated the offending creature, reducing it to a pile of ash, then righting his glasses. “I'm not saying motivation couldn't have done that alone because it’s possible, but I think there's more to it.”

“Being?” Karkat asked impatiently. He was grateful they were having this conversation during a fight, it gave him a way to vent his frustration at the irritatingly ambiguous responses. 

“It gives insight to what your aspect could be, I still don't know what class but I think we can narrow it down,” Dirk sidestepped a clumsy blow from the horrorterror’s makeshift club, then politely removed its arm with his sword. “He tried something completely new, that takes some sort of skill to get right because of the sheer amount of energy you need,” Dirk wiped sweat from his brow and continued. “That's all training your aspect does, helps you learn how to channel your energy in an efficient manner to manifest itself more productively. So, the only way Dave would've been able to make that jump is if he suddenly had a laser-point focus on what he wanted to do, or if he got a sudden surge in the strength of his energy. Or, a little bit of both.”

“That really sounds fucking great and I'm so happy for him,” Karkat growled as he angrily slashed through another horrorterror then turned to face the human. “But what the fuck does that have to do with me?” 

“Everything,” Dirk gave a half grin as he swung his sword over Karkat's head to cut through one of the creature’s tentacles that the troll had missed. “Don't you get it? You were the focus, you were the energy. It's like you took his abilities and put them through an amplifier, or a magnifying glass, or both at the same time.”

“Great, so I'm like a fucking megaphone,” Karkat rolled his eyes as another wave of creatures descended upon the pair. “Fan-fucking-tastic.”

“Can you see connections between people?” Dirk asked suddenly as he dodged the blunt blade of a shitty sword then knocked it to the floor where it skittered across the room. “Like bonds?”

“Wha-” Karkat stumbled and a tentacle sideswiped him, knocking him off his feet. He sliced through the creature responsible and a layer of ash rained down on him. “Blegh, oh ugh it's in my mouth,” He scraped his tongue against his teeth. “How did you know that?”

“I think it all has to do with your aspect,” Dirk suddenly looked mischievous behind the shades. 

Before Karkat could figure out what Dirk was about to do, a shrill whistle cut through the air like a knife, and the crew of the _Sburb_ flinched and covered their ears. When they looked back up, the horrorterrors were retreating back to their ship. The only thing left was ash, and in the center of the room, a single playing card drifting down through the air to settle in the dust. 

“Which one is it this time?” John called from across the room. “Clubs or spades?”

Jane walked over to pluck it gently from where it had landed. “Spades,” she announced. “Jack of spades!”

“What does that mean?” Karkat turned towards Dirk to ask, only to see the human slicing his palm with his own sword then waving the dripping blood in Karkat’s face. 

“Think fast,” Dirk said. Karkat squeezed his eyes shut, dropped his weapons, and threw his hands out in front of him instinctively. There was a thudding sound, four sharp _shiing_ s, and then dead silence. 

“Holy shit,” a familiar voice called. “Dude, since when can you do _that_?”

Karkat opened his eyes in shock to see Dave, looking disheveled and tired, standing in the doorway, staring at the wall in front of Karkat. Dirk had his back to it, unhurt and grinning, pinned by his clothes thanks to four sharp, blood-red spikes. 

“I told you Karkat,” Dirk smirked as he began to pluck the shards from around him, hopping down from where he'd been stuck. He shook the spikes in his hand and they jingled together sounding like broken glass, then dissolved back into liquid. “It's all about your aspect.”

Karkat swallowed, staring at the red pooling in Dirk’s palm, then down at his own hands. “How fucking ironic,” he barked a humorless laugh. “Of course that would be my aspect.”

Dirk nodded and took off his shades. He and Karkat met eyes, then spoke in unison.

“Blood.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always feel like I'm writing them ooc?? Hngnssb the next chapter will be kinda fluffy bc the plot is dropping soon by which I mean picking the fuck up so I guess we'll see what happens maybe


	5. Crap Jobs and Cryptids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What is a Mothman?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was hella worried I wouldn't be able to write next weeks chapter in time to post this one on my usual Friday update schedule but I ended up writing a lot more than usual so y'all get two chapters today, also partially bc they're both a little short in anticipation of a rlly Big One next week

_Dirk looked over the job board one last time, he and his crew already knew what mission they were headed for next, with a hefty pay of 75,000 credits no less, but it never hurt to be thorough._

_“Dirk! Come check this out!” Dirk turned toward the sound, and headed over to where he'd been called._

_“‘Sup, man?” He asked, giving a cursory glance to see if he could spot what job had warranted his attention._

_“Take a gander at this one,” Dirk read over the job being pointed out. A troll rebel team needed a human to help them on some elaborate robbery, being unable to make it past blue-blood security, aka nasty mind control. It didn't affect humans the same way, cue the need for additional help._

_“I don't know,” Dirk said hesitantly, keeping his face expressionless. “I don't like messing with upper-caste trolls, you know that.”_

_“I know,” Jake argued.“But look at the reward, a whopping 100,000 credits! That's more than we'd be making all put together on the team job and surely you don't need me for that?”_

_“We always need you,” Dirk gave a lopsided smile. “I might be biased, though.”_

_“Oh you absolutely are,” Jake rolled his eyes and blushed, still hyped up on the idea of a solo mission. “But you can't tell me we don't need the cash, dammit, I just want to help.”_

_The muscles in Dirk’s jaw twitched, he had a bad habit of grinding his teeth when he was deep in thought. “It's just,” his grin faded into a grimace. “I'm...hesitant about letting you go off on your own.”_

_“You don't think I can handle it?” Jake asked softly, with a tilt of the head that sent a jolt down Dirk’s spine. He swallowed._

_“No, gods no, of course I think you can handle it,” Dirk shook his head. “But obviously I'm going to worry. High blood trolls are...unpredictable at best. Bloodthirsty at worst. I just don't like the idea, is all.”_

_“But you won't stop me?” Jake waggled his eyebrows hopefully._

_Dirk felt a strange lurch in his stomach again, a heavy sense of foreboding settling over him. He felt deep in his gut that he should say ‘no, you can't go, of course I forbid you of course I'll stop you’, but he was like a spectator in his own body. Forced to watch himself, feel himself smile and say ‘of course not, I trust you to handle it’. But trust wasn't the issue in the end._

His memory skipped forward. 

_“We’re sorry,” the rust-blood commander held his hat across his chest in a show of respect to the fellow captain. “We had no idea the blue-bloods had concocted some new form of technology that let them control the minds of humans as well or we never would have risked it.”_

_“I don't understand,” Dirk’s breathing seemed shallow, suddenly, as if John were sucking the air out of the room with his powers. A kind of nausea swept over him, the kind that sinks deep in your stomach just before it turns your knees into jelly and numbs your fingers. “What...what are you telling me right now?”_

_“We’re so sorry, really,” the commander repeated. “But he didn't make it back. And the Marquise...well. Let's just say she doesn't take prisoners.”_

_“Alive, you mean,” Dirk’s entirely body was stiff and emotionless. “She doesn't take prisoners alive.”_

_“No,” the rust-blood sighed. “I'm afraid she does not.”_

\- - - - -

**==== > TG: remind me why we agreed to this again**

_Shiiiing!_

“We really have to stop meeting like this,” Dave smirked from beneath the edge of his sword. He and Karkat had locked blades, the troll’s sickle in a downward arc with Dave’s broadsword caught up in the crook.

“The only thing you're going to be meeting is my foot so far up your ass that it comes out of your never ending word gaper,” Karkat frustratedly pushed down harder with his weapon. “But, oh no, what new development is this? With my foot sticking out of your garbage flinging protein chute, there's no way for you to make introductions! Alas, your irritating lips will never utter another disgusting word, my foot and your face are destined forever to be strangers. What a fucking tragedy!”

“I've heard better,” Dave spun out and pointed his sword back at Karkat as the two circled, alternatively lunging and slicing. “I give it a solid 6/10.”

“Amazing,” Karkat hooked his sickle around the back of Dave’s neck, grabbed his wrist, twisted and pulled, pinning him to the ground. Sickle at his side, Dave’s sword out of reach, Karkat leaned close to Dave’s face and bared his teeth in a loose smirk. “Good thing I don't give a flying fuck about what you think.”

Dave jerked his left shoulder up in a loose attempt to escape the hold, though he knew it was a fruitless endeavor. “Listen, if you wanted to be on top you should've just said. I'm always happy to oblige,” he winked. 

Karkat jammed his tongue out through some especially sharp teeth in an attempt to convey his apparent disgust. “We’re sparring, Strider, just because I pin you doesn't mean I want to get in your pants,” he rolled his eyes as he stood, holding out a hand and raising a brow expectantly. 

“Not yet,” Dave exhaled, clasping Karkat’s forearm firmly and yanking him down with a yelp of surprise. Dave used the troll’s shock and his own momentum to flip the latter on his back, effectively pinning him in much the same way he had just been trapped himself. “What's the score, Dirk?”

“I'm gonna tell you what I tell you every time you ask me that,” Dirk sighed as the boys reluctantly stood and stretched. “I'm not keeping score. This isn't about winning it's about developing skill, so if you guys are done horsing around maybe we could get back to that.”

“When _we’re_ done horsing around?” Dave lowered his shades slightly to waggle his eyebrows. “When are _you_ gonna be done horsing around and tell Roxy and Jane the news?”

“We can go in circles all day, Dave,” Dirk shrugged. “You still haven't opened that envelope from Aradia. So do you wanna talk shop about all our hidden emotions like it's the Strider brothers’ very own shitty version of Easter, only the fun eggs have been replaced by our darkest secrets and deepest fears by the fuckin’ feelings jam holiday bunny, or do you wanna get back to work?”

Karkat groaned and Dave’s shoulders slumped back as he rolled his neck with a heavy sigh. “Bro, we've been at this for hours, when do we get a break?

Dirk raised an eyebrow behind his shades. “Hours?” He questioned. “Dave, you're the one with the time aspect, how long has it really been.”

“One hour, 41 minutes and 3 seconds,” Dave winced. “Fuck, don't do that to me.”

“Sorry,” Dirk swallowed and turned his head away. “Just uh, take a five minute break I guess. But then we're gonna finish the two hours. This is the only day of the week I'm gonna be helping you, you know, rest of the days you're gonna have to just apply what I've told you here.”

“You haven't told us anything fucking useful,” Karkat snapped. “The past three weeks all we've done is practice fighting, we haven't done bullwinged fuckall with our aspects since you made me dramatically reveal my abilities.”

Dirk was silent for a moment. “You have to know how to fight before you can fight with your aspect,” he said. “If you want to stay for some extra time today, we can focus just on aspect stuff,” he offered, spreading his hands out in front of him. “Up to you.”

Dave and Karkat shared a look. “Sounds good, man,” Dave replied for the both of them. 

“Is that my cue?” A tinny voice called, Dave and Karkat looked around, confused. The voice belonged to the ship’s interface, lil Hal, but it wasn't coming from the ship. It seemed to be coming from…

“I'm gonna take that as my cue,” a life sized robot of Dirk materialized on the transportalizer in the corner of the room. Complete with shades, the black sleek metal of the body was lit underneath with a red glow shining through the armor. Only its face was a plain silver, red tech spiraling out around the eyes and across the cheek bones. The bot was...uncannily similar to Dirk in the way it looked, but its mannerisms all seemed almost out of tune. Much more expressive than the real deal, lil Hal wore a cocky smirk as he leaned on his sheathed katana like a gentleman's cane. 

“You guys have gone against me, and you've gone against each other,” Dirk allowed a slow smile to grace his lips. “And y’all are extremely well matched,” it was true. Dave and Karkat more often than not ended at an impasse, blades locked, face to face. The rare times one of them truly came out a victor, it was always close and the score was never uneven for long. “You both know you're not in any danger. I sure as hell won't lay a hand on you and I think you'd rather chop off your limbs than actually hurt each other.”

The boys shifted uncomfortably at the analysis. “So where the fuck does demon-bot junior come in?” Karkat huffed. “I thought we were done with fighting, and focusing on aspects.”

“Exactly,” Dirk gave his sword an absentminded spin before tucking it safely into its sheath. He stepped over to lil Hal and traded places with the bot on the transportalizer. “Your aspects have both been triggered in the past by extreme situations, dangerous circumstances. The only way to start bringing your abilities to the surface so you can work on bringing them through with more control is to trigger it any way we can, which in this case means emulating those dangerous circumstances.”

Lil Hal gave an eerie grin, his metal teeth illuminated by dark red light. “Am I dangerous enough for you, boys?”

“Well I certainly fuckin’ hate you,” Dirk clenched his jaw as he turned back towards his trainees. “But hopefully, he'll be able to...help.” No sooner had the last word left his mouth than Dirk had disappeared, landing god knows where on the ship. Probably back to hiding in his room. Fuck. 

“Dave, please tell me your brother is just trying to scare us and this psycho-bot won't actually maim us,” Karkat tightened his hands on his sickles. 

“No can do, man,” Dave crouched with his sword into a fighting stance. “This robot dude’s been crazy for the past 9 years, Dirk was insane to give him a solid fucking body.”

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” Karkat groaned. The two made eye contact, then spurred into action. 

Dave sometimes wished he could watch them fight to see if it looked as badass as it felt. Sparring against Karkat was always exhilarating, but fighting _with_ him? They worked like they were two parts of the same whole, it was a frenzy of blades and spinning and kicking and shouting and it felt _right_. 

They each took a side of lil Hal, but the robot was too fast. No matter how in sync the boys were, the bot was always one, two, three steps ahead of their every move. 

“Okay,” Dave panted as he worked his way closer to Karkat and the two stepped back, ignoring lil Hal’s jeers and taunts to get them to come back to the fight. “This obviously isn't working.”

“No shit,” Karkat huffed. “And he's a robot so he doesn't have any blood I can control or whatever, if I could even make that work again.”

“Well, what's that other thing Dirk said you could do?” Dave wiped sweat from his brow. “You helped me jump that one time because you strengthened our bond or something?”

“Or something,” Karkat hesitantly agreed. “I think I shared our energy somehow? Or strengthened your focus or some shit, like, your bond with your aspect.”

“Okay,” Dave said continued. “So, do that again. Help me access my shit so I can freeze time or something, then we can take him out.”

“Dumbass, if you freeze time you'd freeze me too,” Karkat smacked him lightly on the arm before an unrecognizable emotion passed over his face. “I guess you wouldn't need me to help you take him out if he's frozen, though.”

“‘Course I’d need you,” Dave rolled his eyes. “You're the one helping me get my shit going, dream team, man. I could probably definitely maybe figure out how to keep you unfrozen.”

Karkat turned red and took a moment before he said anything. “Um. Okay.” It was stunningly coherent and deeply philosophical. 

“Oh shit, what if you strengthened our bond thingy or whatever?” Dave suggested. “That way we'd be like, more connected or some shit so if I'm unfrozen you probably would be too. Is that how any of this works? I seriously have no clue.”

Karkat blinked. “Um,” he was an absolute fountain of wisdom today. Dave figured he was just exhausted from all the training. “You do realize what your sugges- you know what? Sure, see if I give a fuck.”

“Sick,” Dave grinned and threw up the rock ‘n roll sign. “Let's do it.”

Karkat closed his eyes and apparently did his thing, Dave waited until he felt the air shift slightly, then reached inside his gut with a sudden surge of confidence. _Time to… **stop**_. 

And it did. Lil Hal’s mouth was open, mid-insult, the ceiling fan was motionless, and the quiet was absolute. Almost. 

“Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw,” Karkat whistled as he looked around impressed. Dave was absolutely going to pretend that he didn't recognize the Heathers quote because then he would have to explain how he’d recognized it. “Well done, Strider, you didn't make a total ass of yourself.”

“Don't speak too soon,” Dave gasped suddenly and doubled over. He could feel the time stream around him, struggling to move forward past the dam he'd put in place. “You have to...get him...can't move.”

Karkat’s eyes widened in concern and he moved towards Dave instinctively before processing his words. “Oh fuck, right, okay,” he affirmed. Karkat dashed over to where the murderbot stood stock-still, then sliced clean through the midsection. “Think that'll fucking do it?” He turned back towards Dave. 

“It's got to,” Dave squeezed his eyes shut as time forced its way past him and began to move again. Everything was suddenly in motion, lil Hal’s legs twitched and sparks fluttered out from the exposed machinery. 

“Guess you fuckin’ got me,” it wheezed out one last, desperate cackle before the red glow emanating behind its eyes dimmed. 

Karkat rushed over to Dave and tried to help him up, but stumbled as he found his own body refusing to cooperate. “Fuck,” he groaned. “Is this how you feel every time, Strider?”

“Like I got hit by a train?” Dave joked weakly, then winced. “Yeah, pretty much.”

From across the room the transportalizer flashed and Dirk stepped in, clapping. 

“Well done,” he waved his hand and the far wall lit up with a camera feed depicting the boys laying next to each other, utterly drained. “Saw the whole thing. I was worried I might have to step in and disable him but...you had a handle on it. Congrats.”

“Fucking woo hoo,” Karkat sat up and flipped Dirk his middle claw, to which Dirk only gave a small smile. 

Dave sat up, back to back with Karkat as they leaned on each other for support. The troll flinched at first, then settled into the position. “So,” Dave started, eyes fluttering. “Can everyone see that, or just you?” 

“Just me,” Dirk assured him. “Why do you ask?”

“Because I'm tired as shit and I'm about to take a nap right here,” Dave yawned and slid out from behind Karkat’s back, resting his head in his arm an inch or so away from the troll’s knees. “Whaddaya say, Karkles, cuddle pile?” He offered, only half joking, with an overly suggestive wink. 

“Fuck you,” Karkat collapsed backwards and rubbed his temples as he tried to think of a creative insult. Nothing would come to mind, he was too tired and too flustered. 

“Mm, maybe later,” Dave mumbled, too exhausted to play any extensive word games himself. 

“Fff,” Karkat huffed, probably trying to say ‘fuck’, but sleep had won that battle. The troll’s eyes drifted shut and his breathing evened out. 

“I'll...let you guys take a nap,” Dirk smothered a small smile as he turned back towards the transportalizer. He pressed a button on his watch and the feed on the wall cut out. “Sweet dreams, homies.”

“Fuck you,” Dave called half-heartedly before Dirk disappeared. He sighed as he lay back on the gym mat. “Good job today, man,” he patted Karkat’s leg, though the troll was too far gone to notice anything like that at this point. Dave closed his eyes and started to drift off himself into some much needed rest, but not before he shifted just a little bit closer to the troll next to him. 

The last thing on his face before he succumbed to sleep, was the faintest shadow of a smile. 

**==== >TT: Come to the disappointing conclusion that there was no troll Mary Shelley**

“Tell me again what they call rainbow drinkers in human culture?” Kanaya asked, leaning against the back of Rose’s bunk. 

“Vampires,” Rose replied with a smile as she sat opposite Kanaya, leaning against the front, their legs parallel. “Not as self explanatory, I'm afraid.”

“It is a bit more difficult to remember,” Kanaya admitted. “But I like the simplicity.”

“Do you have any other mythical creatures in Alternian lore?” Rose asked eagerly, she had a clear penchant for xenobiology and learning all about the utterly foreign culture. 

Kanaya wrinkled her brow in thought. “Well, rainbow drinkers aren't exactly mythical,” she mused. “I can't think of many other examples that might qualify. There was enough danger present at any given moment to stem our imaginations, I'm afraid.”

“Unfortunate,” Rose’s mind was spinning with the possibilities. “There was no folk lore? No mythology? I understand your people produced countless films, to the point where succinct titles had become obsolete.”

“Oh yes,” Kanaya agreed. “But I believe that had more to do with our society’s obsession with the quadrants than a desire to engage in any form of art or creativity. It was almost like propaganda, really, come to think of it I'm not sure there was any form of media that couldn't be construed in such a manner.”

“Really?” Rose leaned forward, brimming with anthropological excitement. “Not one story? I find that terribly difficult to believe, but if it is the case that really is a shame. There was no troll Frankenstein’s monster?”

“What was that?” Kanaya blinked and cocked her head at the foreign name. 

“A tale of morality,” Rose waggled her fingers with a grin. “A beast which revealed that the true monster...lie within.”

Kanaya covered her mouth as she laughed. “That sounds terribly silly, do you have many stories like that?”

“Well, we have stories about cryptozoological creatures,” Rose listed off on her fingers. “Bigfoot, the Loch-Ness monster, the Jersey Devil, the Mongolian Death Worm, oh and Mothman of course.”

“What is a mothman?” Kanaya asked excitedly, the cultural exchange growing on her. 

“People think he was an omen,” Rose recounted. “Townspeople began encountering a tall figure in the woods with glowing red eyes and large wings. Even tourists who had no idea what the locals had been seeing began reporting accounts describing the exact same creature. One group of people even claim they were chased by Mothman in their car one night.”

“And what happened?” Kanaya leaned forward, long, sharp, delicate canines protruding over her bottom lip through her smile. 

“A nearby bridge collapsed, resulting in fatalities,” Rose finished, inspecting her nails. “Some report seeing Mothman at the scene of the accident and claim he was an omen, a warning. He was never seen again.”

“And do you believe that?” Kanaya questioned. 

“That he was an omen, or that he was real?” Rose quirked a brow. 

“Both,” Kanaya nodded affirmatively. 

“Well,” Rose grinned mischievously. “The sandhill cranes’ migration pattern was nearby and it is entirely possible that one drifted a bit too far, with red coloring around the eyes and a seven-foot wingspan to boot, but you never know. Maybe Mothman is still out there, waiting to warn us again.”

The two girls lapsed into comfortable silence before Kanaya suddenly gasped. 

“Oh!” Kanaya’s hands flew to her mouth and she looked up. “Actually, there was one story I remember, I suppose it was more of a myth as I have no way of guaranteeing its validity as part of our history. But it was decidedly anti-Alternian, or at least anti-tyrant.”

“What was it?” Rose asked. 

“The tale of The Sufferer,” Kanaya allowed for an elegant grin. “Or The Signless, he was known by both. He was a troll born with an unusual blood color, one not on the spectrum, obviously meaning he had no sign, thus the title, and was destined to be killed. Instead of immediate culling in the caverns, a jade-blood abandoned her duties to raise him.”

“That's all? Just a troll born off-spectrum?” Rose leaned back, disappointed. 

“Not quite,” Kanaya pressed her fingertips together. “I don't know the details because his tale was not something that was exactly encouraged to be spread, but it is believed he went on to gather disciples and start a revolution to destroy class inequality. He failed and was executed, but not before adult trolls were banished off-world, leaving the planet inhabited by the young. Or at least, that's one story as to how that occurred.”

“Interesting,” Rose agreed. “But there's no way to verify it? How uncommon is a mutant blood color?”

“It's...fairly uncommon,” Kanaya shifted uncomfortably. Rose noticed that hesitance and backtracked quickly. 

“Well, enough of that, there was something you mentioned earlier that intrigued me,” Rose gave a sly smile. “I referred to rainbow drinkers as mythical and you corrected me in saying “not quite”, have you actually encountered one?”

“I suppose you could call it that,” Kanaya’s lips twitched as if she were holding back a smile of her own. “I encounter a blood drinker every time I look in the mirror, that is to say I do have a reflection, unlike some of your human theories.”

“You're a blood drinker?” Rose’s mouth dropped open despite her best attempts to contain her reaction. “How?”

“I don't know,” Kanaya spread her hands helplessly. “Ever since I was young I've always been...different. I preferred the light of day unlike my nocturnal counterparts, much like your diurnal species in fact, that and my teeth were unusually long for someone of my caste.”

“So you suspected?” Rose inquired. 

“I suspected,” Kanaya confirmed. “Although it wasn't until I had an accident that my affliction was confirmed.”

“Accident?” Rose asked. “Were you bitten by another?”

“No, it was more like a trigger that merely unlocked the potential I held,” Kanaya grimaced delicately. “I was careless, walking around in the day like I often did, however I made the mistake of assuming I would be alone.”

“Weren't you usually?” Rose tucked a stray strand of hair back behind her ear. 

“Oh absolutely, most trolls never venture out into the light of day,” Kanaya affirmed. “So I wasn't expecting to be attacked. It was a high blood, I know that much, no low blood would have the propensity or the stamina to remain in the sun for very long.”

“What happened?” Rose rested a hand gently on Kanaya’s leg without realizing it, some subconscious urge to comfort. 

“I was, uh,” Kanaya had not failed to notice the hand resting just above her knee and stuttered a moment despite Rose being oblivious to the cause. “Attacked. I was attacked. Some sort of laser beam, right through the middle. Much to my own relief I don't remember feeling it, my death must have been quick to be so painless.”

“You...died?” Concern was evident on Rose’s face. “And that somehow triggered your abilities?”

“Apparently,” Kanaya shrugged again. “I woke up at dusk, lucky for me or else someone might have seen me lying there. My skin was glowing and I knew that I had to drink. Luckily the high blood that attacked me had claimed a few other victims nearby in their hives and I was able to get in and out without having to deal with any protective lusii.”

“Your skin was glowing?” Rose squinted slightly in disbelief. “Were you gifted with some sort of bioluminescence, or was this simply another side effect?”

“I've no idea, I'm only grateful it didn't take me too long to learn how to control it,” Kanaya raised a perfectly plucked brow. “Would you like an example? For scientific reasons, of course.”

“Of course,” Rose agreed with a smirk. “Would I have any other motivation?”

“Well,” Kanaya’s skin began to emanate seemingly from within, a soft glow that radiated the feeling of freshness, light glinting off of water or sunlight through trees. “I certainly hope so, otherwise I would feel terribly foolish for doing what I’m about to do.”

Before Rose could react, Kanaya was on her knees leaning across the bed, lips pressed to Rose’s, still glowing brightly. Rose was shocked for a moment, still adjusting to the sudden light and the foreign mouth now currently pressing against her own and all she could think was that she needed to recover quickly if she wanted to kiss back. 

Kanaya pulled away. 

“Well,” she said. “That was exactly as foolish as I was afr-”

Rose grabbed the other girl’s shirt and pulled her back in, this time fully prepared to lock lips. One hand still tangled in Kanaya’s shirt, the other pressed against the slope of her neck just beneath her jaw, Rose was dimly aware of Kanaya’s claws tangled in her own hair and on her shoulder, pressing her back against the headboard. Kissing Kanaya Maryam was, to say the least, an experience, her stomach felt like heated coils slithering in the most pleasant way possible. Kissing Kanaya was like, it was like….well. 

For the first time in her life, Rose Lalonde found herself speechless. 

\- - - - - -

Rose ran her fingers through Kanaya’s hair, the troll laying curled up nearby, head resting on her lap 

“You know,” she said, absentmindedly running a claw delicately up and down the curve of Rose’s calf. “No one ever explained what that card meant, a few weeks ago after the horrorterror attack.”

“Oh, that silly thing?” Rose made a face. “Every time we’re attacked by horrorterrors, whoever controls them calls them back before we manage to wipe them all out. Every time they leave that, a calling card of sorts. Always a jack, and always clubs or spades. The black suits.”

“And no one knows what it means?” Kanaya asked, a wrinkle furrowing her brow. “How long has this been happening?”

“Likely since we first began on this ship,” Rose thought back. “I don't remember much from the early years, I was young. We all were. But the attacks have become more and more frequent, the intervals in between growing shorter.”

“Any clue as to why?” Kanaya looked up to face Rose, one eyebrow raised in question. 

“Something's coming,” Rose locked eyes with the female troll. “Something big. And whoever this jack of noir is, they're involved.”

“Jack Noir?” Kanaya chuckled. “That's a bit of a silly name, don't you think?”

Rose cracked a small smile. “Indeed,” she looked out the window into the vast void of space. “I suppose it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmm things are hAppening doods


	6. Meeting the Mayor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux gets finally gets pesterlog working

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I had all the pesterlog formatting worked out but apparently I didn't so it's Fine! Also I talk about them playing super smash brothers so if you wanna hear a more in depth analysis about who plays what and why, here u go  
> [smash bros headcanons](http://sombytaco.tumblr.com/post/161490861968/homestuck-smash-bros-headcanons)

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -- 

TG: yo 

TG: i know youre there bro 

TG: sollux already told me he got this shit working 

TG: brooooooo 

TG: cmon man dont leave me hanging 

TG: hanging like the freshest fruit from the bombsicknastiest branch you ever fucking saw 

TG: too high for any lame suckers to reach 

TG: theres one of those signs but instead of having to be this tall to ride its like you gotta be this cool to pick the fruit 

TG: i am the fruit 

TG: it is me 

CG: JESUS FUCK, STRIDER. 

CG: CAN I NOT TAKE A FIVE BULGEMUNCHING MINUTES OUT OF MY OWN PERSONAL TIME TO, OH, I DONT KNOW, SHOWER!!! READ A BOOK!!! OR EVEN, IF I SO CHOOSE, FONDLE MY SHAMEGLOBES IN PRIVATE AS IS MY PREROGATIVE BECAUSE, 

CG: AND I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS PART ENOUGH SO GIVE YOURSELF A COUPLE OF SOLID WACKS ON THAT DISGUSTINGLY ATTRACTIVE HEAD OF YOURS TO SHAKE ALL THE UTTER HOOFBEASTSHIT OUT OF YOUR TINY USELESS HUMAN EARS. 

CG: I HAVE THIS THING CALLED “PERSONAL SPACE” AND I PRACTICE THE USE OF IT DURING MY “PERSONAL TIME”. 

CG: TO CLARIFY, THAT MEANS TIME WITHOUT YOU IN IT!! 

CG: DON’T YOU HAVE ANY STUPID CAPTAIN DUTIES TO ATTEND TO? SOMEPLACE THAT IS NOT HERE, FUCK WITH SOMEONE THAT IS NOT ME AND CONTINUE TO PARTICIPATE IN THE FLYING SHITSHOW THAT IS YOUR OWN PERSONALITY WITH A WILLING AUDIENCE PERHAPS!! 

CG: IS THERE *TRULY* NOWHERE ELSE YOU CAN UPEND THE LOAD OF SHIT THAT REGULARLY FALLS FROM YOUR IGNORANCE SHAFT DAILY THAT IS NOT HERE, BECAUSE APPARENTLY I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH I AM WILLING TO SIT COMPLACENTLY WHILE BEING BURIED ALIVE BENEATH YOUR USELESS, “COOL GUY” FACADE. 

CG: GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD, TELL MY LUSUS I LOVED HIM WHEN HE WASNT FUCKING DRAGGING DEAD SHIT INTO THE HOUSE. 

CG: ACTUALLY. 

CG: EVEN WHEN HE WAS DRAGGING DEAD SHIT INTO THE HOUSE HE WAS STILL MORE BEARABLE THAN YOU, EVEN ON A GOOD DAY. 

TG: so you touch yourself and you think im attractive? 

CG: JEGUS FUCK, IS THAT ALL YOU TOOK AWAY FROM THIS??? 

TG: no 

TG: you also said my coolness was a facade 

TG: which is obviously not true 

TG: have you met me im like the coolest dude around 

TG: like if barack obama and 

TG: fuck 

TG: who else is really cool 

TG: like if obama and some other really cool dude had a lovechild 

TG: that child would be me 

CG: I DONT KNOW WHO THAT IS PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE TO DIE. 

TG: man and here i thought we were getting along so well 

TG: you make me sad karkat 

TG: karkles 

TG: karkitty 

TG: karkitten 

TG: kitkat 

TG: karkraft mac single 

TG: shit I shouldve said jimmy carter hes the coolest dude around 

CG: WAS THERE AN INITIAL REASON FOR WHY YOU PESTERED ME OR DID YOU JUST WANT TO STAB ME THROUGH THE BLOODPUSHER WITH YOUR INANE BABBLE. 

CG: BECAUSE I CAN AND WILL KILL MYSELF BEFORE THAT HAPPENS DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T. 

TG: haha yeah there probably was but i dont remember 

CG: FUCK YOU, STRIDER. 

TG: mm im tired right now babe but maybe later 

CG: I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF 

TG: oh actually 

TG: you kinda mentioned it in your rant 

TG: me having to do captain stuff 

TG: i dont 

TG: not anymore at least, dirk is back in business baby 

TG: he is taking this horse by the reins 

TG: makin redcoats redder with bloodstains 

TG: and hes never gonna stop until he makes them drop 

TG: gonna burn them up and scatter the remains 

CG: WHAT. 

CG: WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. 

CG: AM I HAVING A STROKE? 

CG: CAN TROLLS HAVE A STROKE?? 

CG: I’M HAVING WHATEVER THE TROLL EQUIVALENT OF A STROKE IS BECAUSE YOU’RE MAKING EVEN LESS FUCKING SENSE THAN USUAL AND THAT’S SAYING A LOT BECAUSE YOU’VE SET THE BAR VERY HIGH. 

TG: haha roxy and i have got to show you earth musicals 

TG: i have a feeling youll love them 

TG: like 

TG: a disgusting amount 

CG: BACK TO THE VAGUELY IMPORTANT SHIT YOU WERE MENTIONING EARLIER. 

CG: DIRK IS CAPTAIN AGAIN? 

CG: THATS. 

CG: GOOD FOR HIM I GUESS? 

TG: hell yeah it is 

TG: i mean 

TG: losing jake really fucked him up man 

TG: sucked some plush rump 

CG: IGNORING THAT LAST PART THERE. 

CG: HOW DID THIS JAKE HUMAN DIE EXACTLY?? 

CG: I KEEP HEARING ABOUT IT IN PASSING BUT I’M NOT SURE WHY DIRK FEELS THE NEED TO BLAME HIMSELF FOR IT. 

TG: really 

TG: youve never blamed yourself for anything that probably wasnt your fault ever 

TG: ever, karkat 

TG: as in, not one single time 

CG: HEY HERES A SUGGESTION. 

CG: GO FUCK YOURSELF. 

CG: BUT UH. 

CG: POINT TAKEN. 

CG: CONTINUE. 

TG: yeah well 

TG: we were all docked at agamedes 

TG: one of the outer ring colonies maintained by the condesce 

CG: OH HEY. 

CG: ALTERNIAN COLONIES? 

CG: IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO VISIT BUT I WAS NEVER ALLOWED OUT ON SUPPLY RUNS, MY RANK WAS TOO LOW OR SOME BULLSHIT. 

TG: uh dont know why youd want to tbh 

TG: id count myself lucky if i were you 

TG: well 

TG: thats harsh some of them are actually pretty sick we went to a carnival once 

TG: but for the most part they suck major ass 

TG: anyways we were there looking at the job board because we needed that fresh cash yo 

TG: we found a pretty decent one 75k credits group job 

TG: enough to last us a couple months if we were smart about it 

TG: but jake found some stealth job that needed a human to get past blue-blood security 

TG: the pay was nasty yo like 100k 

TG: so dirk who obviously is hella gay was all I dont knowwww I dont think its a good idea 

TG: and jake probably said something even gayer like well gosh golly dirk i darn tootin love me an adventure because im such a rascally lad 

TG: ugh making fun of him isnt even good anymore i just feel bad about it and miss him 

TG: anyways 

TG: long story short he took the job to make us some extra cash and probably impress dirk which is part of why he feels bad about it and the blue-blood worked out some technology that helps them broadcast their mind control at humans so jake never came back because they killed him and the troll group was like ‘oh shit cant rob this place now I guess maybe shouldve fucking checked on that before getting some innocent guy killed’ but whatever 

TG: they didnt even pay us either like we really got shafted 

CG: THATS. 

CG: KIND OF HORRIBLE, HOLY SHIT. 

CG: WOW I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE FOR BASICALLY EVERYTHING IVE EVER SAID TO HIM. 

TG: nah dont worry about it 

TG: it threw him for a loop there but hes getting back on his lame anime feet 

TG: which 

TG: in a stunning mobius double reacharound brings me to my next point 

TG: or points i guess 

CG: PLEASE GET TO THIS POINT IMMEDIATELY. 

CG: PREFERABLY BEFORE I TAKE THIS KEYBOARD TO MY OWN THINKPAN UNTIL I THE SWEET, SWEET EMBRACE OF UNCONSCIOUSNESS TAKES HOLD OF MY SENSES. 

TG: lmao 

TG: okay well first off we're docking at coeus tomorrow 

CG: I’M SORRY BUT WE’RE DOCKING *WHERE*?? 

CG: DOES THAT WORD MEAN SOMETHING DIFFERENT HERE OR. 

TG: what 

TG: oh 

TG: oh my god ahahaha 

TG: dude no, not coitus, coEUS 

TG: some greek dude probably 

CG: THANK FUCK. 

TG: haha yeah 

TG: anyways, we’re doing that for supplies and shit, probably gonna check for odd jobs since its been uhh 

TG: a while 

CG: OKAY? 

CG: THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP I GUESS?? 

CG: IS THAT ALL???? 

TG: oh 

TG: i mean thats tomorrow 

TG: and i dont have to do captain stuff anymore, so 

TG: have you ever played mario super smash brothers before 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS MARIO SUPER SMASH BROTHERS 

TG: hahaha holy shit dude 

TG: my room, five minutes 

TG: we are gonna smash 

TG: B) 

TG: (you cant tell but hes winking underneath the shades) 

CG: SUDDENLY I DON’T CARE WHAT THIS GAME IS AND ALL I CARE ABOUT IS FUCKING BEATING YOU SO BADLY THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO RECOVER. 

CG: DO YOU HEAR ME, STRIDER?? I WILL END YOUR MISERABLE FUCKING LIFE. YOU WILL CRY AT NIGHT TO YOUR ANCESTORS, BUT THEY WILL NOT HELP YOU. 

CG: NOT BECAUSE THEY CAN’T, OH NO, THEY ARE FULLY CAPABLE OF SUPPLYING YOU WITH THE PROPER AID, THEY MERELY CHOOSE NOT TO BECAUSE THEY ARE ASHAMED OF HOW BADLY YOU WERE BEATEN. 

CG: BY ME!!!! 

TG: i could hear you a lot better if you were in my room 

TG: i have doritos 

CG: … 

CG: I’ll BE RIGHT THERE 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead --

\- - - - - -

 

“Awh, c’mon Karkat,” Dave chided as he dropped his tray rather unceremoniously onto the table. “Nobody likes a sore loser.”

Karkat glared at him with such intensity, Dave nearly felt the need to make sure there wasn't a hole burning through his forehead. 

“Fuck you, Strider,” Karkat grumbled, slamming his own tray as he plunked down on Dave’s left and stole a fry. “I wouldn't have lost if you put us on more real playing fields instead of that stupid box.”

“And just what, may I inquire,” Rose entered the galley with Kanaya at her side to fetch her own tray. “Are the two of you arguing about this time?”

“Smash,” Dave said with a grin. “And I don't know what you're talking about Karkat, I slaved over that handmade stage all morning. Are you trying to tell me you didn't like it?”

“Daaaave, you remade the box?” John whined as he trailed in, followed by Jade, Roxy, and Callie who joined Jane to eat in the kitchen, and Sollux who dutifully stood in line behind John as Rose and Kanaya headed towards the table to sit across from the boys. “I hate the box, you can't fly out of it so you just work up so much damage that the smallest hit bounces you around the whole dumb thing.”

“Fucking exactly!” Karkat snarled, gesturing so suddenly that a fry flew from his hand and landed across the table. “And Dave played the stupidest character!”

“Hey, we were only in the box once, and Zero Suit Samus is not a stupid character,” Dave defended. “You're only saying that because I kept getting you with the electric whip thing. It's not my fault you kept rolling off the stage as Sonic.”

“He was obviously the best character,” Karkat shook his head. “Far superior to all other smash beings and I believe that his dark form increases his power. All I need to do is master it and learn all of his secrets.”

“No way, you played as Shadow?” John laughed and sat next to Rose, diagonal to Karkat. “That's so funny, you would.”

“John that's not Shadow,” Dave groaned with an air of someone who had long been fighting an uphill battle. “It's just dark Sonic, none of the other smash characters change to other people in their game so why would he?”

“But he looks just like him, Dave,” John insisted. “Why would they do that if it wasn't Shadow?”

“Because Shadow looks like Sonic only black, that's poor character design and it doesn’t mean anything,” Dave argued.

Karkat looked like he was about to add his own opinion, but suddenly his knee slammed up into the table from beneath. 

“What the fuck!” He cried and grabbed his ankle, audibly sighing in relief when his hand came back clean. “What just fucking sliced my gogdamn ankle?” 

“Oh hey,” Dave reached down and brought out the modified roomba. “You met the Mayor.”

“The what?” Karkat demanded at the same time John went for the classic, “Mayor? I barely know ‘er!”

Iconic. Dave immediately high fived John directly in front of Karkat’s face. 

Rose groaned from across the table, but declined to engage, for which Dave was unendingly grateful. _Choose your battles, sis_.

“It's just one of our cleaning droids, but I taped a knife on him,” Dave tapped the knife in question, firmly attached thanks to some hefty adhesive tape. “Then I named him the Mayor.”

“What the fuck is the point?” Karkat poked a claw at it, and the roomba whirred its wheels at him in response. 

“What do you mean?” Dave inspected the bottom before setting it gently on the ground, where it promptly began to bump into the table leg, back up, then bump into it again repeatedly. 

“Like, is this some sort of test? A training exercise?” Karkat raised a brow. “Is it supposed to fucking test your speed and ability or some shit? Teach you to stay ever-fucking-vigilant?”

Rose snorted rather unceremoniously from across the table and Dave gave her a kick. She stuck out her tongue in response. 

“Uhhh, no he really doesn't go that fast,” Dave thought for a second. “Actually, that's pretty good and I guess it does? But that's more of a side effect.”

“Well does it weed out the weak or something?” Karkat continued. “What the fuck, it has to do something.”

“Nope,” Dave grinned. “He doesn't do that.”

“Protect you from invaders?”

“No, he gets us more than he gets our enemies.”

“Do repeated stabbings let humans heal more quickly in the future?”

“No- actually that's really good, someone write that down?”

“Then what's the fucking point??” Karkat cried helplessly. 

“I dunno,” Dave reached down, righted the roomba so it faced the open room, then patted it gently on the top. “It just seemed cool.”

\- - - - - -

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] and gutsyGumshoe [GG] --

TT: Hey guys, figured I'd get this out of the way tonight so we’re all on the same page tomorrow. 

TT: So, I have some news I guess. 

TG: heyyyy ;) 

TG: whats on ur mind, Dirky?? 

GG: Is everything alright? 

TT: Yeah no, everything is fine, sorry if I worried you. 

TT: I talked to Dave about the whole captain thing, and he obviously wasn't super happy filling in for me after, 

TT: Well. You know. 

TT: Anyways, we discussed it, and both agreed that I should step back into the mantle. 

TT: So here I am, backing into the mantle like it's just above a fireplace on Christmas and I'm the hottest Santa you ever fuckin’ saw. 

TT: Literally, I'm so hot, the fireplace had logs burning, I've banged my head on the mantle and I'm pretty sure my ass is literally in flames. 

TT: Oh shit, I woke up little Cindy Lou Whoever the fuck, you get the idea. 

GG: … 

GG: Oh, is that all? 

GG: Sorry! I was expecting more so I stepped away for a moment! 

TG: oh shooy 

TG: *shoot 

TG: me too sorry i had to fix something rlllly quick 

TG: but awhhhh dirky!!! im super duper glad ur back to being captain I misssseddd u 

TG: not that dave didnt do an awesome job bc he totes did 

TG: but u kno! its just been like this forvevr 

TG: *forever blegh 

GG: I agree! 

GG: While Dave did a swell job, I sort of missed the usual cadence of things around here! 

GG: Oh look, now I've gone and gotten all nostalgic right before we head to the market at Coeus tomorrow, 

GG: I really ought to get some sleep so I can have breakfast ready in time before we dock, goodnight you two! 

TG: nighty-nite janey! 

TT: Goodnight, Jane. See you in the morning. 

GG: :B 

gutsyGumshoe [GG] has ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] and tipsyGnostalgic [TG] 

TG: just us now ;) ;) 

TG: which meeaanns 

TG: time for u 2 tell me whats rlly bothering u 

TG: cmonnnn i can smell it on u boi 

TG: spill 

TT: Yeah I wondered if you would pick up on it. 

TT: Guess I was right. 

TT: Just, god this is going to sound fuckin’ stupid, but, 

TT: Am I 

TT: Do you think of me as a generally good person? 

TG: of course i do! 

TG: youre one of the best ppl I know, why do u ask? 

TG: did someone say something? 

TT: No, it's just something I've had to think about the past few weeks in particular. 

TT: I know you're going to tell me what happened to Jake wasn't my fault, I get it. 

TT: But the fact remains, I don't feel like a good person. 

TT: Like, I always try to do the right thing? Whatever that means because I recognize right and wrong aren't so black and white as people like to make them out to be. 

TT: But when I do something or want to do something, I just feel like I have to question my own motives more than most people would. 

TT: Like, I feel as though the “right” thing to do just doesn't come as naturally to me? I have to question why I'm doing something, what my motivations are. 

TT: Whether they're selfish, or self-serving, or why I actually want something to happen. 

TT: You know? 

TG: yeah i think so, 

TG: if it helps, im ALWAYS questioning my own motives 

TG: like, u kno how I had that drinking problem back when we were in the home? 

TG: im always super worried I'll slip back into it 

TG: or I have to be like, why am i putting myself into this situation, is it bc its good or am i here for the ~drama, u kno 

TG: so i think i know what ur talking about kinda 

TT: Yeah, it's kind of like that. 

TT: I guess mostly this is coming from some deep-rooted self-loathing issues, our home wasn't much better than the shithole they stuck you guys in. 

TT: Because Jake and I were a year older than John and Dave, they separated us. 

TT: John got put in some foster home because they ran out of beds at the group place, and Dave was all by himself with some jackass who was in charge of the kids ward for some stupid reason. The only decent thing about the place was that they put Jade in an actual LGBT+ home where she could get the resources she needed, but it all comes back to Dave getting the rawest cut of the asshole deck out of everyone and Bro just. 

TT: He should not have been let near kids. 

TT: At all. 

TT: Dave caught the worst of it I know, the guy pounded a bunch of heteronormative shit into him, you remember what Dave was like the first couple years, obviously. Not great. 

TT: Anyways, I couldn't do jack shit to stop this guy from literally beating Dave with swords for whatever asinine and highly unjustifiable reason he had, because I was in a different fucking room spending all my time with Jake being an oblivious douche. 

TT: And now Jake is dead so what was that even for really. 

TT: So now with us docking tomorrow for the first time since he died, that's all what's running through my head I guess. 

TG: ;( 

TG: awh dirky, 

TG: i just wanna give u big ol hug now 

TG: if it helps, i dont think theres anything u couldve done to help dave back then 

TG: even if you had known, realistically that guy was a lot older than you, a lot stronger, and for whatever reason in a position of power 

TG: so you wouldnt have been much better off than poor davey 

TG: so while I get that u feel guilty, i think u should also feel grateful that you didnt know about it because otherwise you wouldve just been worried sick the whole time and not able to actually do anything about it 

TG: and I dont think ur a douche at all 

TG: i think ur my twin brother and even though you made some mistakes maybe, ur still one of the best, strongest, kindest ppl I know 

TT: Geez, 

TT: Thanks, I guess. 

TT: I don't know, I had a whole other section on how I felt like that guy was who I could've grown into if I were left unchecked, but that's a pretty flattering review. 

TT: However I should add, part of me, a pretty big part of me, feels like I've tricked you into thinking that. 

TT: Like, all the questionably “good” things I've done are actually skillful manipulations to trick my friends and family into thinking that I'm a good person, when in actuality I'm a legendary piece of shit. 

TT: So while I appreciate the sentiment, I actually think effusive praise would kill me, so thanks but no thanks. 

TG: okaayyyy i guess 

TG: but i hope u kno that i want to give u a big hug 

TG: ur about to GET IT next time i see u 

TT: Haha, I think I can live with that. 

TT: We should follow in Jane’s stead, though, we have a big day tomorrow, probably best we get some sleep. 

TG: okayyyy, 

TG: this feelings jam isnt over tho!! 

TT: I would expect nothing less. 

TT: Night, Roxy, 

TT: And uh, thanks for listening. 

TG: no problem! ;) ;)) 

TG: anytime u need to talk about some nasty feelings biz, I'm here yo 

TG: Nite!!! ;)))))) 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HmmMm Coeus is the titan of intellect and discovery of knowledge that'd sure be Weird and Unexpected if they discovered some knowledge when they go there ;;))  
> Also total credit to the tumble user who posted about Sargent stabby the roomba u r a blessing and I love ur work <3


	7. Old Friends and New Enemies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat rolled his eyes and grinned. “We’re cool, you fucking dork.”
> 
> “Who's fucking dorks?” The door slammed open and Roxy skipped in, Callie and John in tow. 
> 
> “Me, if I get lucky tonight,” Dave winked in Karkat’s direction. What a douchebag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed my usual update last Friday because this chapter ended up being MUCH longer than anticipated, and since I'm going to be super busy this Friday I figured I'll upload this a little early. Hope y'all enjoy!

**=== > TT: Didn’t see that one coming. **

“Okay, watches synced up?” Dirk stood in front of the crew as the ship's ramp descended. A gust of wind swept up through the opening, momentarily shifting his hair out of shape. 

“Yeah, we’re good! Let’s goooo,” Roxy jumped up and down excitedly. 

“Nope, show me you all have your buddies with you,” Dirk tilted his head to the side. “We practice the buddy system on my ship, I don't want anyone getting lost.”

Roxy raised Callie’s arm so high she practically lifted the cherub off the ground and Dirk shook his head, hiding a small grin. 

Dave grabbed Karkat’s hand despite a hissed protest and brought it in front of his own face as he very pointedly and overdramatically dabbed. 

“Dave if you ever do that in front of me again I'll bribe Karkat to leave you behind,” Dirk warned. 

“Yessir,” Dave dropped Karkat’s hand but continued waggling his eyebrows at him. 

Dirk rolled his eyes and continued checking people off. Jane and Jade were chattering excitedly together, Rose obligingly rested a hand on Kanaya’s shoulder to indicate that they were heading out as a pair, and John and Sollux fist-bumped, drawing their hands away with an explosion noise. 

“Wait,” John suddenly squinted his eyes and pointed in Dirk’s direction accusatorily. “We have an odd number of people now, who are you gonna go with?”

There was an uneasy silence that followed the questio. As if everyone gave time for the rest of it to hang heavy in the air, the unsaid _now that Jake isn't here_ taking up as much space as if it had been spoken aloud. But Dirk continued, unperturbed. 

“I'm captain,” he shrugged. “I'll be fine, it's the rest of you I have to be worried about.”

“What?” Dave said incredulously. “Are you telling me that if I'd stayed captain I could've gone out without a buddy?”

“Fuck you, too,” Karkat punched Dave on the upper arm. 

Dave cracked a grin, but rubbed his arm and mouthed “ _ouch_ ” when the troll had turned away. 

“Moving on,” Dirk continued. “It's eight o’clock right now, you're welcome to stop back at the ship anytime to drop things off or if you're done, but I want everyone to meet back here in the loading dock at midnight so I can make sure we’re all here. That gives you 16 hours, which should be plenty of time and I don't expect anyone will be late,” he finished with a sweeping glare. 

“You're not my real mom,” Dave called as Karkat dragged him by the arm the way an exasperated mother would take a particularly ornery child by the ear. 

Slowly the team filed out, and Dirk was left alone. 

Really he should be used to it by now, that's what he told himself at least. But it still didn't feel...real? That was the only way he could express the complicated tangle of post-mortem emotion. 

Maybe one day he would wake up and be fine. 

He wanted that day to come, to be past this sense of pure and utter loss. 

It was better now, he thought as he departed and waited for the ramp to raise shut behind him, the sense of loss was still present, but subdued. When the news had first been broken to him, broken was exactly how he'd felt. As if he were a funnel and an endless wave of emotion was sifting through him, too much too large for him to process at once. Maybe ever. 

He had thought then, of all things while alone in his room, of Emily Dickinson. 

_The Bustle in a House_

He'd wondered at the use of house versus home in that line, had it always been a house? Or did it become one after death? That is to say, at what point does something stop being a home?

_The Morning after Death_

As if people only died in the night, he recalled and scoffed internally as he walked past a fruit vendor before doubling back to purchase an apple, a little inspired by Dave. 

_Is solemnest of industries/ Enacted opon Earth-_

Well. 

Dirk took a bite of the apple. 

Maybe not just Earth. 

“Beggin’ your pardon, sir,” Dirk was snapped out of his solemn reverie by a short carapacian, clearly of the Dersite variety judging by his dark exterior. “But are you happenin’ to be the one they call captain on board your ship there, the _Sburb_?”

“Uhh,” Dirk blinked as he tried to parse through the atrocious grammar made all the more indistinguishable by its peculiar accent. It sounded suspiciously like the love child of a bad Jersey Shore twang and how he imagined a 19th century cockney might sound. “That would be me, might I inquire your purpose for asking?” Dirk raised a brow suspiciously, hand twitching towards his sheathed katana. 

“Oh no, none a’ that please, sir,” the short carapacian looked about shiftily. “I'm not really supposed to be bein’ here myself if you take my drift, on account of what information I have for you. It'll cost, though.”

“I'm not paying a fuckin’ thing until I know who you are and where you got this ‘information’,” Dirk rested a hand more evidently on his sword and with the other, took a lazy bite of his apple. “So, if I were you, I'd start talking.”

The carapacian tittered and tsked nervously, clearly weighing his options heavily in his mind. “They calls me Clubs Deuce where I'm from,” he started, eyes flitting from one end of the market to the other as if every shadow held some concealed foe. “And I got my info on account of me bein’ apart of the _Midnight Crew_ ,” he whispered the last part. 

Dirk’s mouth twitched. Even after years of perfecting his so-called poker face, he had a difficult time resisting one of the most basic urges. Anger. 

“The Midnight Crew,” he repeated slowly and calmly, chewing thoughtfully. “You mean, the crew who carries out the dirty work of the one and only blue-blooded Marquise herself? You work for Mindfang? _That_ Midnight Crew?”

Deuce swallowed nervously, a bead of sweat dripping down the hard slick of his carapacian shell. “Y-yes?”

“Well then,” Dirk held his apple to the side, lazily, as he removed his other from the hilt of his katana and crouched down until he was face to face with the short creature. He grabbed him by the collar and bared his teeth. “You’d better say something to make this encounter worth my _fucking_ while, or else the Midnight Crew is going to be one member short.”

“It is, it is,” Deuce insisted, a weak smile plastered to his nervous face. “I know you lost a member of your crew to her a few perigees back! I can tell you where to find him!”

Dirk sighed and released the pitiful creature’s shirt as he rose to take another bite of his fruit. “His body, you mean. I know the Marquise, I know she doesn't take prisoners.”

Clubs Deuce smiled, all pointy teeth and sharp edges. “Well now, that's where you're a right bit mistaken, _sir_ ,” he snarled the last word, his smile more like a sneer. “She don't take most trolls that's for sure, too common the lot of ‘em. But her oddities?” He cackled a little and rubbed his hands deviously together as if he could imagine holding the money her supposed collection was worth.

All the while, tension cords were snapping in Dirk’s synapses. Support beams crumbled like the walls of Jericho. Too much stress and it was over. Weakly, his words from all those weeks ago echoed as his eyes searched aimlessly from behind his shades, an arm instinctively covering his stomach as if he could protect his soft insides from the inevitable, crushing blow. 

“I don't understand,” he repeated numbly, eyes squeezed shut to ward off the wave of nausea. “What...what are you telling me right now?”

Deuce brushed invisible dirt from his suit and made a show of straightening his lapel. “What I'm telling you is that your crewmate, the English boy who talks all funny-like, _is alive and kicking_.”

The half-eaten apple dropped, seemingly in slow motion to the ground with a thud. It bounced once, twice, then rolled upward; crisp, white innards facing the sky for its final judgement. 

He was alive. 

Jake was _alive_.

**=== > TG: donuts more like bronuts amirite**

“Hey Karkat, check this out,” Dave lifted two donuts to his covered eyes, peering through the holes. “Think I should replace my shades with these?”

“Almost certainly,” Karkat snorted. “At least I could theoretically see your ganderbulbs through this pair no matter how absolutely fucking ridiculous you would look. Considering how you usually look without whatever the fuck those circle loaves are covering your face, it might even be a step up! In fact, allow me to speak for Kanaya when I say This Is A Huge Improvement.”

Dave lowered the donuts and grinned the way he did every time Karkat went on another one of his rants. “That all, man?”

Karkat huffed and crossed his arms defiantly. “I hope you're planning on fucking paying for those now that your disgusting, grubby fingers have been all over them.”

“You know it,” Dave clicked his tongue and pointed finger guns before depositing loose coins with a clink into the vendor's hand. He gave a half jog to catch up with Karkat and offered one to the troll. 

“This better be fucking good,” Karkat took an accusatory bite, chewed thoughtfully, then glared at Dave. 

“Yeah? Whaddaya think?” Dave asked around a mouthful of his own glazed treat. 

“It's pretty fucking good,” Karkat angrily admitted, chomping down on the rest of it. “Probably going to send me to an early corpse party.”

Dave laughed openly at the phrasing. “A what? Dude,” he shook his head. “But you're right, we should wash it down with some fruit.” And before Karkat could argue, he had dashed off towards another stall. 

“What the fuck is that,” Karkat wrinkled his nose when Dave returned with a medium-sized, brown, furry fruit. “And why does it have hair?”

“I don't know it's just like, peach fuzz, but on a kiwi,” Dave replied as he pulled out a pocket knife and split the fruit in half, one for each of them. “Don't eat the brown part.”

“I'm not stupid,” Karkat begrudgingly accepted the fruit. “I know you don't eat the shell.”

“Yes,” Dave grinned. “And the fact that you called it a shell demonstrates that knowledge perfectly. A plus, dude.”

Karkat nodded affirmatively before taking a hesitant bite of the soft, green insides. Dave watched the troll’s face for any reaction, but was only rewarded with a neutral nod and a vague “not bad” on the trolls part. 

“Why are you making that face,” Karkat looked at Dave now, slightly horrified. “Are you okay?”

Dave lowered the kiwi after his third or fourth bite and wiped his mouth. “What face? I'm just enjoying my fruit, dude.”

“You look like you're constipated,” Karkat smacked him on the arm and Dave rubbed it sullenly, still sore from the troll’s punch earlier. 

“Oh,” Dave conceded as he scraped his tongue against his teeth. “It's just ‘cause it's so sour, y’know? Like it hurts my mouth a little.”

“Um?” Karkat blinked. “No? It absolutely does not and should not feel like that, I have limited experience with your earth fruit but I know for a fact that is not the case in this instance.”

“Yeah man, pineapple too,” Dave took another bite and winced. “It just happens.”

“Thanks to Jade’s obsession with something she refers to as her ‘heritage’ involving some place called ‘Hawaii’ I have consumed my entire body weight in pineapple these past few months,” Karkat looked at Dave with mild concern. “Pineapple should not hurt your mouth, are you fucking suffering from one of those human allergies?”

“Huh,” Dave looked down at the kiwi and curled his tongue experimentally. “Y’know, that would explain a lot actually.”

He took another bite. 

“Gods, you're insufferably stupid,” Karkat rolled his eyes as the two fell back into step. “I don't know why we’re friends.”

“Oh shoot, look it's Dirk,” Dave pointed off to his left, somewhere towards a fountain at the center of a plaza. “Dang he just dropped his apple, who's he talking to?”

“Fuck,” Karkat grabbed Dave’s sleeve and crumpled it in his fist. “That's a member of the Midnight Crew, I’d recognize one of them anywhere. They used to torment my neighborhood when I was a wriggler.”

“Well shit,” Dave tossed his half eaten kiwi into a nearby trash pile and wiped his hands off. “Let's go check on him.”

As the two hurried over, Dave watched in increasing distress as his brother grabbed the carapacian mob-member by the shirt and lifted him just off the ground until their faces were inches apart. While the creature struggled in obvious panic, Dirk’s face remained impassive and emotionless. Dave stumbled a little as he registered the expression and was thrust head-first into an unpleasant flashback. 

_Expressionless. Emotionless. He was so cool, even when he was angry. Even when it was your fault._

_“What did I tell you, Dave,” Bro ran a finger along the edge of his sword, the New Texan sun setting behind him. “Never be late for a strife. After all, I'm trying to help you, aren't I?”_

_You were so dumb, so stupid, Bro was right as usual, but it wasn't often John was in the same home as you. There weren't enough beds here so they kept rotating him from place to place, occasionally back here between foster homes._

_“I know,” you fiddled with your own sword awkwardly, it was too big for you. Partially because you were so young, nearly 12, and partially because you were underfed. New Texas was a colony on a small, moon-sized planet just a little too close to the solar system's sun, ensuring it was always hot and the crops never did well. “But John was back in town today and we were playing together and I wasn't keeping track of the time I guess, I'm really sorry. I know how much you do for me.”_

_Bro seemed to regard this for a second from behind his shades. Everyone on this planet needed shades, the sun was usually horrifically bright, but Bro’s shades were special. Cool. All pointy like from those old Japanese cartoons he watches that don't make a lot of sense to you, but he and Dirk seem to enjoy them. Both you and Dirk have the same shades as Bro, hoping maybe some of his coolness would rub off._

_“You were ‘playing’?” Bro repeated, and even without an inflection to his tone, you could practically feel the disappointment, the rage building up. “What kind of gay shit were you and that nerd up to? You're better than him. Cooler than him. I don't know why you waste your time on that loser.”_

_You swallowed nervously, the longer Bro put off strifes usually meant the harder he planned to go on you. Which was fine. You needed the training if you ever wanted to be half as good as he was. But also…it hurt._

_“John’s not gay, we were just hanging out,” you insisted pitifully. Big mistake._

_“John’s not gay,” Bro echoed quietly. “What about you?”_

_A beat of silence._

_“What. About. You.” The faintest twitch of a snarl curled Bro’s upper lip. You swallowed._

_It wasn't that you were gay, you would know if you were. You definitely liked girls. You also definitely felt different around John than other guys. But that was only because you were such close friends, right?_

_“I'm not gay,” you insisted again, raising your sword up and crouching into a ready position. “Now are we gonna fight or stand around talking like a bunch of old ladies at a church potluck. All gossipy and judging which pie is the best and shit.”_

_Moment of truth. Bro would either be impressed at your bravado and accept your challenge, or he would pound you mercilessly and keep asking questions._

_You probably deserved it._

_His expression never moved._

“Dave?” Karkat had turned around halfway to Dirk. “Are you just gonna fucking stand there?”

No, ‘are you okay’, no unnecessary pity. Dave always appreciated Karkat’s straightforwardness, the exact opposite of what he'd grown up with. 

“Yeah sorry, thought I saw something,” he lied. It was Dirk, not Bro. Dirk was the one who got him out of that shitshow the second he found out about it. Dirk was different, better, and currently mid-threat. 

“-and I swear to every god in the outer ring that if you are lying to me right now-” Dirk’s voice was...shaking? Dave might have been concerned, but he was also overwhelmingly relieved to find any hint of emotion. 

“Dirk?” Dave said gently. “Uh, just a suggestion that you totally don't have to take, but, it might be cool if you put the little guy down.”

“Yes, yes!” The stout carapacian kicked his legs aimlessly. “I agree with the tall glasses one! Put the little guy- I mean me, put me down!”

“Tell him what you told me,” Dirk growled. 

The carapacian swallowed nervously. “The member of your crew taken by the Marquise, she has a collection of creatures she calls oddities,” he took a nervous breath. “The English boy, he was one of the first humans she was able to mind control, she kept him. I can tell you where she'll be next when she has her collection with her.”

Dave blinked. That was...not what he'd been expecting to hear, but seeing Dirk up close now, it made sense. 

“So,” Karkat looked suspiciously between the carapacian and the Striders. “Jake is just alive now?”

“He was never dead,” some of the righteous fury in Dirk’s eyes was dimming, dying as the truth dawned on him. “All these months, he, we,” he looked at Dave for help. 

“He's been with the Marquise this whole time,” Dave confirmed grimly, before turning back to the Crew member. “Where can we find her?”

“She throws a ball, a huge gala once a year in honor of her feats of greatness,” the carapacian said. Dirk snorted, then at the behest via a look from Dave, gently set the creature down. “It's tonight. Lots of invitations go out but she never checks, the more people to admire her collection on display, the better. You lot just have to be sneakin’ in as guests and then you can snatch him and go.”

“And why exactly are you helping us?” Dirk seemed to have regained his stature. “What's in it for you?”

The carapacian scoffed. “In it for me? I get to keep my head, thank you very much,” he straightened his jacket with an air of someone who had suffered great indignity, which, to be fair, he had. “My boss told me to tell you and you don't question orders from above.”

“Your boss?” Karkat paled slightly. “Spades Slick?”

Dave stifled a laugh. “What kind of dumbass name is Spades Slick?”

“It's not his real name, fuckass!” Karkat exclaimed throwing his hands up in exasperation. “So people don't know who he is. No one knows his real name, not even the fucking Galactic Authority.”

“Not like the GA would do anything about it if they did, all the fucking good they are,” Dave pointed out, rather unhelpfully. 

“Can we…” Dirk looked back at the two bickering a little helplessly. “Can we focus on the task at hand?”

“Right,” Dave winced apologetically. “Why did Spades Slick want you to tell us Jake was still alive? I mean, shit, not that we’re not grateful and all but, well.”

“Didn't ask, didn't care,” the carapacian huffed indignantly. “Did have one last message for you, though.” 

The little guy began rummaging around in his many pockets until he produced a small slip of paper, folded and crumpled. The second he shoved it into Dirk’s hands, he bolted, obviously not looking forward to being on the receiving end of Dirk’s reactions again. Dave watched as his brother unfolded it, paying careful attention to the way his eyebrows quirked up. 

“Well?” Karkat demanded impatiently. “Stop being rude garbage and spill the hot grub water already, what does it say?”

“I think,” Dirk passed the paper over for the other two to see. “That it's for Dave.”

_Open the envelope already, asshole._

“How does he know about that,” Dave asked flatly, cursing inwardly that his first reaction was still to shut off, shut in. 

“Aradia…” Dirk trailed off, still reeling from his earlier shock. 

“Is she working for Slick?” Karkat wrinkled his brow. “Or is Slick...working for her?”

“More important things to worry about, boys!” 

Dave flinched at the sudden appearance of the Maid of Time, just as Dirk and Karkat clutched their stomachs at the influx of nauseating temporal energy. 

“Did you send him?” Dave demanded. “Or did he send you? What the hell is going on?”

“Questions, questions,” Aradia faux pouted and she strutted, arms behind her back, over-large yellow eyes taking in the scenery. “Really, quite a slum for such upstanding young men.”

“Cut the fucking bullshit,” Karkat growled, having recovered enough to speak. The same could not be said for Dirk, who, whether from lingering nausea or simply lost in thought, was focused on anything but the present situation. “What the fuck is going on?”

“I already gave you answers!” Aradia snapped, then took a breath and calmed. “I'm not here for that, I'm here about your training. If Mr. Shell-Shocked over there wants to pay _attention_ -”

“I'm listening,” Dirk replied curtly. 

“Well! Now that we’re on the same page,” Aradia let loose another neon-bright grin. “It's about your classes, well, class singular would probably be more apt!”

“The knife, it hovers just above the shit,” Karkat rolled his eyes dramatically. “I said _cut it_ already.”

“I'm getting there,” Aradia insisted, sitting primly on the edge of the nearby fountain. “You two are able to manifest your abilities in a supremely unique way, and as rare and shrouded in incipispheric mystique as such powers tend to be, there are undoubtedly classes and aspects alike that remain...unknown to the populace.”

“Okay,” Karkat squinted. “That's not entirely out of the fucked up realm of probability, but what the fuck does that have to do with us? Are you saying we have some class that hasn't poofed into existence until now?”

“Well, I don't know if I would use that exact terminology,” Aradia conceded. “But yes! Essentially, your class is one that has been, until now with the both of you, unrecognized by those who possessed it. Or, if recognized, at least unrecorded and thus, unnamed. 

“Unnamed?” Dave’s face lit up like the star on top of the Christmas tree, or more in line with appeasing Rose’s wintry traditions, his face lit up like the shamash candle on the first night of Chanukah. “Would we get to name it?”

“Can we figure out what the fuck ‘it’ even is, first?” Karkat shot a warning glare Dave’s way, which he shrugged off with a grin, but let Aradia continue. 

“As I was saying, it's gone unrecognized in the past, but the two of you sharing such a rare, essentially undiscovered class at the same point in history?” Aradia shook her head. “It's unprecedented, to say the least. Something big is coming.”

“And how exactly do you know all this?” Karkat raised an eyebrow, barely expecting an answer. 

Aradia laughed, cheerful and bright. It would have been charming if it weren't so...disarming. Coming from her, at least. 

Karkat's brow furrowed, not for the first time during this encounter. 

“Oh, well really!” Aradia exclaimed. “You two have so much in common, once you know what to look for, it's simple. You two are the...cavalry, so to speak. You're familiar with the Page class?”

“Yeah, Jake is, was, uh, is?” Dave stumbled over his tenses all the while shooting glances at Dirk who, to his credit, seemed vaguely interested in the topic at hand. “A Page of Hope, he never really learned to do much with it, I don't think.”

Aradia nodded. “That makes sense, Page is a slow burning class and a passive one, at that. I believe that your class is its active counterpart. And to answer Karkat as to how I know you're both in this class, well,” her lips curled into a slightly feral smile. “Page’s arm others with their aspect, as passivity dictates. Reason stands to follow that, therefore, being an active class, you arm yourselves. Like I said earlier, the cavalry, the soldier, the warrior, the signs are all there. You have your personal struggles as all do, that help dictate your class in the way that classpects tend towards. It hilights the journey you ought to take to grow best as a person. You both possess, dually, the warrior’s weapon and shield, the weapon is the way you wield your powers, the shield being how you protect yourself.”

“That sounds fine and fucking dandy,” Karkat interrupted, a look of deep confusion marring his generally ( _attractive_ ) frustrated ( _shut up, Dave_ ) features. “But what the fuck is pouring out of your protein chute right now because I don't understand it or how the it applies to us.”

“Right, sorry, I tend to get a little carried away when talking about aspects,” Aradia said sheepishly, or what might've passed for sheepish if she didn't look like she was trying to determine what you would look like without skin most of the time. “How to best explain this, you and Dave both have, pardon the psychoanalysis, a certain ‘persona’, one might call it.”

“You taking a page out of my sister's book there?” Dave joked, sharing a look with Karkat at the inside nature of the joke. Karkat rolled his eyes, but smiled nonetheless. 

“Perfect example, thank you Dave!” Aradia clapped her hands together excitedly. “You use humor to diffuse complicated or stressful situations, it's admirable! But it's a part of your whole ‘cool guy’ schtick, it's how you protect yourself, it's your _shield_.”

“Okay, say that's true,” Dave flashed an insincere smile, play along, play along, keep it in. “What am I supposedly protecting myself from?”

“Time,” Aradia answered simply. “The aspects are the literal elements that make up our world, but they hold deeper, symbolic meaning. Light is Knowledge, Void is Mystery, Heart and Soul, Mind and Choice,” she looked Karkat in the eye. “Blood and Unity.”

“And Time?” Dave pressed, humoring her. “What ‘deeper meaning’ am I apparently so afraid of?”

“Time is Progression, Dave,” Aradia smiled in a way that for the first time could be construed as gentle. “You're afraid of the past, you live in it, wallow in it, you let it consume you and control your choices, your behavior, everything. So you act ‘cool’ to protect yourself from it. Your shield.”

“Yeah, that's pretty much total bullshit,” Dave shrugged as nonchalantly as he could manage. “I'm just actually that cool.”

Karkat snorted and Dave very pointedly ignored him. 

“Really,” Aradia drawled in obvious doubt. “You don't think about the past, ever?”

Dave swallowed, forcing himself to think of anything but the sudden flashback he'd suffered earlier. And every night in his dreams. 

“That's what I thought,” she assented quietly. 

“Yeah okay, fucking with Dave aside,” Karkat quickly changed the topic. “Are you telling me I have a problem with unity? I'm not scared of joining hands and singing some goddamn kumbaya shit, if that's what you're trying to imply.”

“Oh Karkat,” Aradia tsked nearly sympathetically. “If only it were that simple. No, you might not be afraid to, ah, ‘join hands and sing some kumbaya shit’, but you certainly have problems maintaining relationships. Need I mention, oh what was that cute one’s name...Terezi, was it?”

Dave watched as Karkat’s face ran through a series of emotions, similar in effect to the way one might rapid-fire flip through channels on television. Shock, anger, regret, indignation, anger; Aradia smirked triumphantly. 

“Just what I thought. Yours is really too easy Karkat, too many conflicting feelings, too many emotions packed into one tiny little body. You're like a powder keg about to explode,” she used each word like a whip, striking where skin was soft and raw. As she spoke, she rose slowly, stepping closer and closer to the troll until she was practically in his face. “So you're angry and you shout. Anything to distract from the fact that you're desperately trying to hold people at a distance because your relationships are all failures, and it's your fault because you're _wrong_ and you're _broken_ and you ruin everything you touch and it's _your fault_ that I died, _over, and over, and over again_.”

Aradia was breathing heavily and Dave felt a pang deep in his chest because god _damn_ did Karkat look shaken to his absolute core. 

“Whew,” Aradia exhaled chipperly. “My bad, a _lot_ of resentment buildup from an alternate timeline there, sometimes they bleed through!”

“Now that we’re done with exhaustive definitions,” Dirk spoke up for the first time in ages, a perfunctory air about him. “Can you tell them what their class is? Because I have things to plan and shit to do.”

“You're absolutely right!” Aradia agreed cheerfully. “I've about covered the basics, you know what your shield is, time to learn how to use your weapon. Arm yourselves, boys.”

“Do we get to name it now?” Dave asked, refusing to let the topic drop. “Because listen, we’re in space, we have mysterious powers a lá The Force, if we don't name our class ‘Jedi Knights’ I'm going to flip my shit like it's fresh off the griddle.”

“Absolutely not,” Karkat insisted, regaining his fire if only to prove Dave wrong. “I won't stand for our class to be named after your shitty, human nerd trash.”

“It's not trash,” Dave whined. “It's an art form, Karkitten, you just don't know enough about it to fully appreciate the majesty.”

“Knights,” Dirk echoed. “I like that, actually.”

“Interesting,” Aradia raised a brow. “I would not have guessed that that was where the term originated.”

“What do you mean?” Dave questioned suspiciously. “You say that like you knew what the class was called already.”

“Dave, I'm a Maid of Time,” Aradia smiled as if she knew something they did not, which was probably the case now that Dave really considered it. “Whatever made you think I was from the same era you are?”

With a finger gun and a wink, she was gone. 

“She loves a dramatic exit, doesn't she?” Karkat grimaced. 

“Doesn't matter,” Dirk replied as he stood, curt in his mannerisms. “I had Kanaya on comms. She's meeting us in the shopping center with Rose, who messaged John, so we’re getting Sollux down here too.”

“For what?” Dave stood and reached behind him where Karkat was sitting to offer him a hand instinctively. “Oh, the gala. Right.”

“Hello?” Karkat hoisted himself up and trailed after the two towards the center of the plaza. “Am I missing something here? Why are Rose and Kanaya meeting us and what does the gala have to do with it?”

“We've had to do formal undercover before, so everyone on the crew has clothes for it,” Dirk explained as he checked his watch. “We have plenty of time on this shithole planet and three trolls we kidnapped without their formalwear.” He raised a brow and gave Karkat a cursory glance. “Correct me if I'm wrong, but you'd look pretty fuckin’ obvious if you showed up in a castoff sweater.”

Karkat frowned and crossed his arms over his sweater defensively. “Whatever. And what's wrong with this planet?” He protested. “It looks fine to me.”

Dave nearly choked as a laugh burst through his lips. “Fine? Karkat, look around,” he scoffed. “The terraforming was rushed by overseers, highbloods who didn't give two shits about the people coming to live here. The crops are barely edible, vendors come in with their supplies from off-world because they know they can charge high as fuck prices, and the atmosphere is so fucked up the weather is barely stable. Like, I get that you feel some weird-ass attachment to the Alternian empire, but don't pull that shit around me.”

Karkat narrowed his eyes as they stood and waited for the others to show up. “Of course, pardon me for having a shred of loyalty to the place I grew up,” he protested. “I will gladly fucking alter my entire life's opinions of this empire and how it functions to suit your pitiful human tastes! Is there anything else fundamental to my being that you would like to change?”

“What, Karkat, no that's,” Dave ran a hand through his hair in exasperation. “That's not fucking _fundamental_ to your being or whatever shit, what are you even talking about?”

“I grew up in the Alternian empire!” Karkat huffed. “I grew up wanting to become a threshcutioner, as in become a part of the army, you insensitive fuckwad. Just because you kidnapped me and apparently we’re both ‘special’ or whatever shit doesn't mean I'm not still upset that you tore me away from everything I had ever worked toward!”

“Everything you worked toward?” Dave repeated in disbelief. “This! This is what you would have been working toward! The conquering of planets and civilizations to subject them to this. Fucked up capitalism and terrible living conditions. You're right, I'm so sorry to have taken you away from all that.” Dave rolled his eyes behind his shades, he couldn't believe Karkat had the nerve to be upset about this. 

“”I was doing fucking fine!” Karkat asserted angrily. “You don't get to have some hero complex just because you think you ‘rescued’ me! Did you even think for one second what consequences your actions might have had on my life? On any of our lives?” He indicated loosely towards Kanaya, who had just approached with Rose. 

“Oh, don't act like it was so good for you,” Dave snapped. “We all see the way you flip your shit like an Olympic goddamn diver every time you get scratched. I'm not an expert on the hemo-shit-spectrum but I know enough that if you have to hide it you're royally fucked. As in, her royal Condescension will personally see to it that your ass gets handed to you on a silver goddamn platter. So tell me, how long did you exactly expect to live on that ship? Two years? Three? Because that's about as long as you had until someone ran you the fuck through!”

Karkat stood, breathing heavily, eyes wide and brows furrowed at angry angles. 

“Oh dear,” Kanaya commented fretfully. 

“Shit,” Dave exhaled, the intensity draining from his body like a sieve. “That was- that might've been uh, a step too far.”

“You fucking think?” Karkat spat, but it lacked venom. He just sounded tired. 

“Yooooo what ith _up_ , motherfuckerth?” Sollux staggered in, leaning heavily on John who, to his credit, seemed thoroughly entertained at Sollux’s drunken state. So drunk, Dave noted, that the troll’s lisp which, while always present, was _much_ more prominent than usual. 

When an awkward silence was the only response, Sollux lowered his bi-colored glasses to reveal eyes the same color underneath, all sclera, no pupil. Fuck, Dave didn't understand how he could see. 

“Fuucckk,” Sollux groaned. “Who pithsced in KK’s breakfatht grub-o’th?”

Karkat snarled and crossed his arms over his chest, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. 

“Well,” Rose supplied primly. “If that whole encounter is thoroughly sated, I suggest we get on with our business?”

“Right, tailor is that way,” Dirk indicated before turning to John, one brow raised in vague amusement. “Just how many drinks did he have? Couldn't he wait until tonight?”

“That's the thing,” John let Sollux stumble off in the right direction on his own. “He had like, half a shot before he passed out right on the bar!”

“Well of fucking course he did,” Karkat interjected. “Psiionics are notorious lightweights, especially when it comes to human soporifics.”

“Well,” Dirk pushed open the shop doors. “I hope he can still try on suits.”

**=== > CG: Contact a friend. **

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] -- 

GC: WHY DO3S 1T S4Y “P3ST3R” 

GC: WH4T 1S P3ST3RLOG 

CG: NICE TO FUCKING SEE YOU TOO. 

CG: YOU KNOW. 

CG: CONSIDERING YOU'RE THE ONE WHO RATTED ME THE FUCK OUT TO SOME GODDAMN PIRATES. 

GC: “N1C3 TO S33 YOU”? 

GC: 4R3 YOU M4K1NG FUN OF M3, MR CH3RRY V4NT4S 

CG: OH NICE, YES, THROW THAT ONE OUT CASUALLY. 

CG: HAHAHA. 

CG: IT’S SO FUNNY AND THAT’S WHY I’M LAUGHING. 

CG: ANYWAYS, I NEED TO ASK YOU FOR A FAVOR. 

GC: NO 

CG: YEAH SO HERE’S THE FAVOR. 

CG: YOU’RE STILL MOIRAILS WITH VRISKA, RIGHT? 

GC: WH4T 4 P3RSON4L QU3ST1ON! 

GC: Y3S >:] 

GC: WHY DO YOU 4SK? 

CG: BECAUSE THE FAVOR HAS TO DO WITH HER, DUMBASS! 

CG: WHATEVER. YOU KNOW THAT CERULEAN-BLOOD SHE USED TO TRAIN UNDER? MARQUISE SOMETHING OR OTHER? 

GC: M4RQU1S3 SP1NN3R3T M1NDF4NG, 1M F4M1L14R W1TH H3R, Y3S 

GC: TH4T 1S TO S4Y VR1SK4 T4LKS 4BOUT H3R 3NOUGH! 

GC: 4 L1TTL3 4NNOY1NG 4FT3R YOUV3 H34RD 4LL TH3 STOR13S 4LR34DY 

CG: YEAH, RIGHT. 

CG: *THAT’S* WHEN IT STARTS TO GET ANNOYING. SURE. 

CG: ANYWAYS, SHE’S THROWING SOME BALL TONIGHT AND THE CREW AND I NEED TO GET IN. WE HEARD INVITATIONS AREN’T STRICTLY NECESSARY, BUT DIRK WANTS THEM JUST TO BE SAFE. 

GC: OH W3LL 1F D1RK S4YS SO >:P 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??? 

CG: CAN YOU GET THEM FROM VRISKA OR NOT. 

GC: HOW M4NY DO YOU N33D? 

GC: VR1SK4 W4S 4LR34DY PL4NN1NG ON GO1NG W1TH M3 4S H3R PLUS ON3, BUT 1M SUR3 SH3 C4N SCROUNG3 UP SOM3 3XTR4S 

GC: H3R N4M3 M1GHT B3 ON TH3M THOUGH 

CG: OH GOD I JUST DID THE MATH. 

CG: WE NEED EIGHT. 

CG: SHE’S GOING TO GET SOME SICK FUCKING KICK OUT OF THAT, ISN’T SHE. 

GC: 4H4H4H4H4 

GC: Y3S, Y3S SH3 W1LL 

GC: B3 R1GHT B4CK! 

CG: WAIT 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] is an idle chum! 

CG: FUCK 

CG: WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY, “WELL IF DIRK SAYS SO”? 

CG: HE’S THE CAPTAIN, OF COURSE I HAVE TO FUCKING LISTEN TO HIM. 

CG: THERE’S NOTHING WEIRD GOING ON, I KNOW HOW YOU THINK. 

CG: HE’S OBSESSED WITH SOME HUMAN ANYWAYS, THAT'S WHY WE NEED TO GET IN, TO RESCUE HIM. 

CG: AND HE’S NOT EVEN MY TYPE. 

CG: PLUS, HIS HATCHMATE IS THE BIGGEST MOST OUTSTANDING DOUCHE I’VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO LAY MY GANDERBULBS UPON. 

CG: IT'S ASTOUNDING, REALLY. 

GC: SO YOU L1K3 H1S H4TCHM4T3? 

CG: WHAT??? NO!!! 

CG: WHAT ON EARTH GAVE YOU THAT IDEA. 

GC: W3LL FOR ON3, YOUR3 G3TT1NG 4WFULLY CHUMMY W1TH TH3 HUM4NS! 

GC: 4ND TH3 S3COND 1 L3FT YOU ST4RT3D R4MBL1NG 4BOUT H1M 

CG: I WAS COMPLAINING!! 

CG: BECAUSE I HATE HIM!! 

CG: BUT NOT LIKE THAT, SO DON'T EVEN GO THERE!! 

GC: 1NT3R3ST1NG 

CG: WHAT?? 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS INTERESTING?? DON’T “INTERESTING” ME!! 

GC: 1TS NOTH1NG!! 1 JUST GOT MOR3 OF A R3D V1B3 FOR H1M FROM YOU!! 

GC: BUT NOW 1T T4ST3S 4 L1TTL3 BL4CK, L1K3 L1COR1C3 SCOTTY DOGS!! 

CG: NO!! 

CG: YOU TASTE NOTHING BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING!! 

CG: AND I AM NOT GETTING *CHUMMY* WITH THE HUMANS, THAT'S FUCKING PREPOSTEROUS. 

CG: GIVE ME ONE EXAMPLE. 

GC: TWO S3CONDS 4GO YOU JUST S41D “WH4T ON 34RTH” 

CG: THAT PROVES NOTHING!! 

GC: YOUR3 OUT TH3R3 PL4NN1NG M1SS1ONS 4ND F1GHT1NG! TH1S 1S WH4T P1RAT3S 4RE SUPPOS3D TO DO! 

GC: DONT PR3T3ND YOU DONT 3NJOY 1T! 

CG: NO, THIS IS NOT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR WHAT BULLSHIT IS. 

GC: YOUR3 RUNN1NG 3RR4NDS FOR TH3M 

CG: I'M DOING MY JOB!! 

GC: TH3Y K1DN4PP3D YOU! 

CG: YOU HELPED THEM!!!! 

GC: B3C4US3 1 FOR3S4W 1T 4S TH3 B3ST OPT1ON! 

GC: 1F W3 H4D STOPP3D TH3M FROM T4K1NG YOU, B4D TH1NGS WOULDV3 H4PP3N3D! 

CG: OH GOG 

CG: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I WAS HALF A PUSHER BEAT AWAY FROM DEATH ON THAT SHIP??? I WAS DOING FINE!! 

GC: YOU FORG3T 1 C4N L1T3R4LLY S33 TH3 FUTUR3, DUMB4SS! 

GC: YOU H4D TWO OR THR33 SW33PS L3FT B3FOR3 3R1D4N FOUND YOU OUT! 

GC: YOU B3GG3D FOR YOUR L1F3, PROM1S3D H1M YOU COULD MAK3 UP FOR 1T W1TH YOUR F1GHT1NG 

GC: 3V3N SOLLUX 4ND MS FUSSYF4NGS VOUCH3D FOR YOU 

GC: 4S D1D 1, 3V3N VR1SK4 

GC: 3R1D4N CH1CK3N3D OUT, 1NST34D OF CULL1NG YOU H1MS3LF H3 M3R3LY R3PORT3D YOU TO TH3 N34R3ST CULL1NG DRON3S TH3 N3XT G4L4XY OV3R. 

GC: DO YOU W4NT TO H34R TH3 R3ST?? 

CG: FUCK. 

CG: SHIT, I, SHIT. 

CG: NO. 

CG: WAIT, YES. 

CG: NO. 

CG: I THINK I NEED TO. 

CG: SO, YES. 

GC: TH3Y M4D3 1T TO OUR SH1P W1TH1N TH3 HOUR. YOU D1DNT M4K3 1T. 

GC: K4N4Y4 W3NT 1NTO 4 K1LL1NG R4GE, IMPR3SSIV3 CONS1D3R1NG HOW DOC1LE 4ND COMP4SS1ON4T3 HER C4ST3 USU4LLY 1S. 

GC: 3R1D4N STR1PP3D H3R OF HER SURF4C3 PR1V1L1G3S 4MD SH3 W4S S3NT3NC3D TO F1FTY SW33PS 1N TH3 C4V3RNS FOR OBSTRUCT1ON OF JUST1C3 AND W1LLFULLY CONC34L1NG 4N OFF-SP3CTRUM MUT4NT. 

GC: H3 3ND3D TH1NGS W1TH SOLLUX V1OL3NTLY, 4ND GOT H1M 1MM3D14T3LY CONSCR1PT3D FOR H3LMSM4N DUTY. 

GC: VR1SK4 4ND 1 GOT LUCKY, W3 W3R3 S3V3R3LY D3MOT3D BUT L3FT 4L1V3. 

CG: OH GOG, I GOT ALL MY FRIENDS FUCKING KILLED. 

CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK. 

CG: I THOUGHT I WAS DOING SO WELL??? 

GC: TH3MS TH3 BR34KS! 

GC: >:/ 

GC: BUT YOUR3 F1N3 NOW!! 

GC: NON3 OF TH4T STUFF FROM MY V1S1ON H4PP3N3D B3C4US3 YOUR3 S4F3. 

GC: WORS3 TH1NGS WOULD H4V3 H4PP3N3D IF W3D C4PTUR3D TH3 P1R4T3S. 

CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 

GC: 1 DONT KNOW! 

GC: 1TS ST1LL SHROUD3D 1N MYST3RY, BUT TH3Y MUST B3 IMPORT4NT SOM3HOW! 

GC: SOM3TH1NG B1G 1S COM1NG 

CG: GREAT. 

CG: AS IF I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO FUCKING WORRY ABOUT!! 

GC: DONT WORRY 4BOUT 1T! 

GC: 1 TR4NSPORT4L1Z3D TH3 1NV1T4T1ONS OV3R, YOUR3 L1ST3D 4S GU3STS OF VR1SK4S 

GC: HOP3 YOU DONT M1ND B3C4US3 YOU H4V3 NO OTH3R OPT1ONS! 

CG: NO THAT’S FINE. 

CG: IT WILL PROBABLY LEND US SOME CREDIBILITY. 

CG: YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE THERE TONIGHT? 

GC: TH4TS TH3 PL4N! 

CG: OKAY. 

CG: UM. 

CG: WOULD YOU MIND MEETING UP TO SAY HI? 

CG: AND I’M SURE DIRK WOULD WANT TO GRILL YOU FOR SOME INFORMATION FROM THE SHIP AND THE REBELS, BUT. 

CG: IT'S BEEN A WHILE, I ALMOST MISS YOU. 

CG: FUCKFACE. 

GC: 4WHH K4RKL3S, HOW 4DOR4BL3! 

CG: FUCK NO!! 

CG: MORE LIKE, 

CG: ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. 

CG: SHUT UP IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL!! 

GC: VR1SK4 4ND 1 W1LL B3 SUR3 TO S4Y H1 

GC: W3 M1SS YOU TOO, 4SSHOL3 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] -- 

**=== > CG: Fiddle with your tie **

Karkat hated ties. 

Better yet, he hated the person who invented ties. It was such a human concept, “formalwear”, you couldn't fight well in it, you couldn't defend yourself as well in it, looking nice was not worth the tactical disadvantage. Also, he didn't know how to tie it. 

With a frustrated sigh, Karkat resigned himself to waiting until Kanaya came out to help him with the monstrosity around his neck. He checked his watch, he was on time, figured that no one else would be. When the door to the common room opened behind him, Karkat immediately had to take back every bad thing he'd thought about formalwear because Dave walked in looking so good, Karkat even momentarily forgot he was supposed to be mad at him. 

Dave looked like someone had replaced him with a cleaner, finer version of himself. He wore a simple collared shirt under a single-breasted suit paired with a matching waistcoat, both such a dark shade of gray they almost looked black. The asshole had gone the full three piece path and fuck if he didn't look stupidly attractive. The shiny, satin tie was a bold, cherry red, and his pocket square matched the bright color to perfection. Every fucking detail was accounted for. As he stepped closer Karkat could even see that his normal aviators had been swapped out for an identical pair, this time with darkly shining steel frames and blood-red reflective glass.

“Sup?” Dave greeted without inflection. It might have been Karkat’s depressingly hopeful imagination, but he seemed to shift uncomfortably. Maybe Karkat wasn't the only one that felt the foreign tension between them. He missed the easy banter. 

“Just...waiting for Kanaya,” Karkat gestured vaguely towards his tie, slung across his shoulders. Even his collar was undone by three buttons. In Dave's presence he felt sloppy, which was a complete one-eighty from the usual order of things. 

Karkat was dressed modestly in comparison, a simple white collared shirt, gray tie, and short-tailed suit jacket in unassuming black with matching trousers. His pocket square was starched stiff and bright white.

Dave shoved his hands in his pockets and raised a brow. “Dude,” he said. “You don't know how to tie a tie?”

“Well fucking excuse me, Strider,” Karkat snarled. “There wasn't a lot of time to play dress-up when I was two or three sweeps from, how did you put it? Getting run through? Suck my bulge, shitstain.”

The stunning douche at least had the nerve to look sheepish. “About that,” he started. “I- here, can I?” He pointed to Karkat’s undone tie. 

“Be my fucking guest,” Karkat said, uncrossing his arms. 

“Look,” Dave stepped in close and Karkat’s breath hitched as he watched Dave push his shades up and began deftly looping the tie. “When I said that, I just meant, you couldn't have been safe on that ship. I really don't understand how you could still _want_ to be there and I don't know if you've noticed by now but, I kinda suck at talking about how I feel?” He looked up, halfway done and Karkat was faced with staring into Dave’s eyes for the first time, faces inches from each other. 

“Oh,” he said in a small voice. He'd been about to say something cutting in response, but when he could see Dave’s red eyes and the freckles dotting across his nose, the only thing he could manage was a monosyllabic response. Thankfully, Dave was so eager to explain himself that he took this as his cue to continue. 

“Like, you had to be fucking scared almost all the time,” Dave looked back down and, having forgotten where he was in the process, sighed and started over. “And when you said I ruined your life by bringing you here it was just like, ‘hey am I that bad’, you know?” He laughed nervously. 

Karkat felt a kernel of guilt blossoming in his stomach, he hadn't meant for it to come across that way. “I didn't mean it like that,” he said softly, for him anyways. “I just meant like- fuck. I just meant, I had always sort of resigned myself to it I guess? Either become a successful threshcutioner or die trying and I,” he shifted, his turn to look uncomfortable. “I guess I sort of resigned myself to that. To...dying.” He very pointedly ignored Dave's look of concern. “Not like, in a suicidal way or anything just like, either I was good enough or I wasn't and if I wasn't then I guess I never really belonged anyways.”

“No offense, but that's bullshit,” Dave finished with his work as he even buttoned Karkat's shirt all the way to the top. “You shouldn't have to prove yourself by like, some trial by death bullshit. You're a really good fighter, one of the best I've ever seen and I'm not just saying that because you can go toe to toe with me.” He gave a lopsided grin. “You're a super important addition to our crew and I know everyone is pumped to have you with us. I'm sorry if I ruined your life but,” he ran a hand through his hair nervously. “I'm not sorry I brought you here and I'm not going to apologize for that, so, there, I guess.”

Karkat wrinkled his nose and undid the top button just to be ornery. “I didn't mean it like that,” he admitted. “I just meant that I'd always imagined my life going a certain way and all of a sudden I have all these choices? It's been a lot to take in but even I'm not shithive maggots enough to think I was better off where I was before. Actually, it turns out I wasn't doing nearly as well as I thought I was. So, you were right, I'm sorry too.”

“So,” Dave made eye contact again, momentarily sucking Karkat’s breath out of his lungs until Dave looked away and slid his shades back on. “We’re cool?”

Karkat rolled his eyes and grinned. “We’re cool, you fucking dork.”

“Who's fucking dorks?” The door slammed open and Roxy skipped in, Callie and John in tow. 

“Me, if I get lucky tonight,” Dave winked in Karkat’s direction. What a douchebag. “Why aren't you dressed up?”

Roxy pouted. “I wish! I'm staying behind with John to stay on top of comms and reconnaissance. This Marquise spider-witch bitch collects oddities. And, well,” she patted Callie’s head affectionately. “Since Callie will never do the whole cherub puberty thing because of her condition, I can just imagine that nasty old hag would love to get her greasy paws on her. If poor Callie can’t go I couldn’t enjoy myself if I was off partying and she was here.”

“Oh, Roxy,” Callie said in her faint accent. “I didn't realize that was why you were staying behind! Don't worry about me, I want you to go have fun!”

“Nah,” Roxy grinned. “I already made up my mind. Besides, no time to do my makeup now!”

The door slid open once again as Rose and Kanaya stepped in, and Karkat couldn't help but admire the work Kanaya had done on the dress they'd purchased her early this afternoon. The tailor hadn't had much in the way for ladies nearing seven-feet in height, so a plain black gown that wasn't much more than a shapeless tube that trailed along the floor was what they'd had to work with. 

Now, she wore a simple black gown that practically screamed elegance. The strappy top was some shiny, satin-like fabric with an open back and deep V, the gray skin of her chest on display nearly down to her navel. The skirt was some sort of gauzy material that managed to flow effortlessly without poofing, and with every step the fabric parts to reveal the shadowed outline of each long leg. On anyone else it might have come across as a somewhat scandalous display, but on Kanaya it merely looked strikingly gorgeous.

Dave whistled as they stepped in. “Nice tailoring job, where'd you get the extra material?”

“A lady never travels without the necessities,” Kanaya said with a wink. 

“The necessities?” Rose murmured. “Does extra fabric qualify?”

Her dress was slightly more complicated. A straight-line, strapless black top seamlessly split into some sort of translucent, mesh-like material that spread down her arms in tight sleeves and laid across the shoulders in a broad, curved neckline. The top cut off just below her ribs, exposing a thin sliver of stomach where the skirt started just below her waist and flowed down to her ankles. She looked like some sort of gothic royalty. 

“What else would?” Kanaya replied cheekily. 

The slid open for a third and final time as the rest of the crew waltzed in. 

Jade looked gorgeous as was par for the course. Her dress was black-- which seemed to be a running theme as black was a perfect no-nonsense color for covert ops, with a simple sweetheart neckline and a fitted a-line skirt with a slit up to the thigh and a short train pooled at her feet. As the light hit it from certain angles, however, Karkat detected a slight glimmer, as if a million stars had taken root deep within the fabric.

Jane looked stunning and powerful, having elected for a suit rather than a dress. Single button, flared hips and sleeves, and no shirt underneath made for an intimidating and regal silhouette. The allure was made all the more striking as she stood next to Jade, her own pale skin on ample display seemed practically fluorescent in comparison to her companion's much deeper brown.

The two almost-cousins, related by marriage but bonded by something that ran much deeper, were unusually somber in the prospect of a mission with such heavy stakes as this.

Sollux still looked like an asshole, just slightly better dressed than usual. The collar of his white undershirt traveled up his neck, resting just beneath his Adam's apple and lacing up the sides with an intricately woven yellow-gold thread. His jacket had short tails which shifted as he moved revealing at a glance that the inside was lined in the same yellow-gold as the embroidery on the neck.

Finally, Dirk stepped out in a gray suit, the jacket had a high, mandarin-style collar and buttoned in a diagonal swoop from his left shoulder to the bottom center where it split between two pockets. From the neck to the tops of each arm, a black triangular leather patch covered each broad shoulder. The buttons were glassy and orange, and Karkat had a sneaking suspicion that if given closer inspection, he would find they were made of amber. All in all, he seemed to be a somehow smooth mix between a biker and naval captain, complete with the katana at his side in a decorative sheath. At an event held by someone as infamous as the Marquise, it would hardly be given a second glance. For those with handguns and knives, however, clever pockets and handbags would have to suffice.

“Okay,” Dirk announced. “I'm sure everyone knows what they're doing, but we’re gonna go over this one more time. John, Roxy, and Callie, you guys are our eyes in the sky. Roxy and Sollux got us into the security system so you have access to every camera, I want updates and I want them often. If it looks like trouble, I want to know yesterday. Got it?”

John nodded with a grin and Roxy gave an enthusiastic salute. 

Dirk turned to the rest of the crew. “Sollux, you're our hacker on the inside. We need to find where the Marquise is keeping her collection of hostages without setting off any alarms. If it comes down to a battle you are absolutely authorized to engage with your psiionics. However,” he gave a pointed look throughout the room. “Our mission is to get in and out without getting noticed. Once we grab Jake, I want a healthy amount of distance between us and this entire star system. Got it?”

Everyone nodded and Sollux, recovering from his earlier drinking escapades, gave two thumbs up. 

“Great. Karkat, I know the Crew member said that they don't check for invitations but I trust you contacted your friend like I requested?”

“Yeah,” Karkat produced a handful of glossy, cream colored invitations with cerulean embellishments. “I messaged Terezi and she got extras from Vriska, she trained under the Marquise and they keep in contact so she had a fuck ton. Also, Terezi said that she and Vriska will be there tonight. Vriska was invited and Terezi is her plus one.”

“Excellent,” Dirk nodded. “Terezi is in league with the rebels, we might be able to rely on her for aid if everything goes pear shaped, but let's try not to need it. Dave, stay close to Karkat. With his...condition, we don't want the Marquise getting any ideas about adding him to her collection. If it comes down to it, you grab him and time hop out of there. Once you're safe, then you can contact everyone else.”

“Got it, boss,” Dave threw up a peace sign and slung his arm carelessly around Karkat’s shoulders. 

“Good. Same goes for you, Rose,” Dirk indicated towards her and Kanaya. “I want the two of you to stick together, with Kanaya’s status as a rainbow drinker she'd be on the Marquise's list too. I don't want us losing any more members. Jane and Jade, I want you two on patrols. Scout ahead and keep eyes on all the guards. You can use your weapons if you deem it necessary, but try to stay as low key as possible. I don't want any extra attention on us.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jane replied somberly. The news about Jake had hit her nearly as hard as it had hit Dirk, the two had been extremely close friends. 

“Alright,” Dirk clapped his hands together. “I think we’re ready. Let’s do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmm listen,,,if there's an easier way to type Terezi's quirk than literally manually just adding in the numbers,,,I would love 2 kno,,,


	8. Tragic Backstory: Unlocked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Go?” Karkat scoffed. “Did you mishear me, Strider? Are your aural cavities filled with hoofbeast excrement? I can't fucking dance.”
> 
> “I know, loser. I'm gonna teach you,” Dave held out his hand even further. “C’mon, my shitty ass cotillion didn't award me ‘Most Improved’ for nothing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo Dave talks about his past which means mentions of abuse and all that entails also my bathroom smells like nair

**=== > TG: Make an inappropriately timed dick joke. **

Dave let out a long, low whistle. In keeping with the Marquise’s ego, her castle was huge. 

“Damn,” Dave said as he admired the entrance hall. “This place is so huge and gigantic, I can feel a dick joke just waiting to happen.”

Karkat glared at him. “Don't you fucking dare, Strider. My patience for your hoofbeastshit is shriveled into a tiny, tiny ball. How tiny, you might ask? I can't say. But I can feel a dick joke just waiting to happen.”

“You wound me,” Dave drawled, slightly impressed. Fuck that, pretty impressed. That had been a sick comeback. He continued looking the room up and down as they entered with a throng of other party goers, all well dressed. There was a decent mix of human and troll guests, Dave could only assume the one thing they all had in common. Most of them were either well-to-do generals in the army, or criminals. Mostly criminals. He swallowed. If he tallied up the body count of every person in this room, he wondered what the total would come to. 

“May I see your invitations, please?” A troll standing by the entrance to the ballroom asked, snapping Dave from his reverie. 

“I was told invitations were more of a...formality,” Dirk raised a brow stoically from behind his shades. 

“Well yes,” the troll smiled condescendingly. “For some of our more ah, _esteemed_ guests. You understand, of course.”

“Of course,” Dirk said, flashing a quick, insincere smile. He produced their invitations with a flourish and looked at the troll expectantly. 

“Guests of Ms. Serket?” He murmured. “But of course, right this way.” He gestured openly toward the ballroom, seemingly satisfied. 

Dirk nodded dismissively and the crew wandered further into the massive hall. He pressed a finger gently to his temple. 

“ _Can everyone hear me?_ ” Dave could hear his voice both in person and echoed from the headpiece in his ear. 

“Loud and clear, Captain,” Dave saluted. 

Dirk nodded, then motioned for Sollux, Jade, and Jane to follow him. “ _Good. The four of us are going to start checking the perimeter and snaking as far into the hallways as we can go without raising suspicion. You four, stay here and blend in. Listen for anything that might tell us where the Marquise is keeping her collection.”_

“ _Will do,”_ Rose replied from where she stood. At a glance, she looked calm and collected. She leaned casually on a table, palm resting on its glossy, hardwood surface. Someone that didn't know her well would say she looked as detached as usual, but Dave knew better. A single finger, moving as if independent from the rest of her hand, tapped rapidly up and down. 

None of their missions had ever been this personal. The stakes were higher than ever. 

Dave had a feeling this was going to be a long night. 

“I'm going to go see if there are any troll dishes floating around,” Kanaya said. “Karkat, would you care to come with me? We might be able to gather some information along the way.”

“Anything’s better than standing around,” Karkat agreed. Kanaya nodded to Rose, then she and Karkat disappeared into the crowd. 

Rose’s finger tapped faster in Kanaya’s absence. 

“Something the matter, David?” Rose whipped her head around to face him, crossing her arms. Shit. She's caught him staring. 

Dave cocked his head to the side innocently. “I don't know what you mean.”

“I find that difficult to believe.”

“What, that I don't know something? Not that crazy of a concept.”

“No, that nothing's wrong. Are you so unaffected by this mission that you feel nothing?”

Realization dawned, and Dave smiled. “You're asking me if something's wrong? You're the one with the nervous tic in her finger going so fast it could beat Usain Bolt out for the Olympic gold.”

Rose tightened her lips. “Caught in my own trap. It was inevitable I suppose, that someone should psychoanalyze me right back,” she flashed Dave a shaky smile. “Never expected it to be you, brother dear.”

Dave lowered his shades to wink. “Gotta keep you on your toes somehow, don't I?”

“I suppose,” Rose said, suddenly looking troubled. “It's simply a matter of, empathy? I suppose that's the most accurate term for it.”

“Empathy?” Dave asked. “That's what's got your panties all in a twist?”

Rose shot him a suspicious look. “I'll let that one slide for now, but don't think I'm forgetting about it. And yes,” she straightened her back infinitesimally, her gaze shifting to search over the heads of the various patrons. “Though Kanaya and I have only known each other a few weeks, and though we have only been involved a short duration of that time, imagining her and myself in the situation of Dirk and Jake is...unpleasant. To say the least.”

“Nah,” Dave said. “To say the least would be to say nothing, but I got you. If…” Dave blinked. He'd been about to say, “ _if anything like that happened to Karkat,”_ but that was ridiculous. Right?

“Speaking of my involvement with Kanaya,” Rose stepped closer until and and Dave stood shoulder to shoulder, observing the scene before them. “You and Karkat seem...close.”

Dave said nothing for a moment. 

“Yeah,” he replied hesitantly. “I, uh, don't have a good answer for you there, actually.”

The pair sat in comfortable silence for some time as Dave continued to examine the room. It was at least the size of two adjacent football fields with high ceilings and massive chandeliers. Every bit of the decor was loud and screamed wealth, just another way for the Marquise to shove her riches and status in the faces of her guests, most of whom were clients and the rest of which probably wanted to kill her, rob her, or both. 

The windows were no exception. There were eight total, four on each side of the ballroom. Each window reached from the floor to the ceiling, and had seemingly been set to view a different part of the galaxy per the Marquise’s request. One half of the room seemed to be set at dusk, the other at dawn. The one nearest Dave featured some far off coastal city at sundown. It reminded him of Earth's Greece with its colorful villages tucked into the mountainside, but the large rings of a nearby planet decorating the darkening sky begged to differ. The one to its left, slightly farther down, was a cityscape, unlike any city Dave had ever seen. It was sleek and modern against the sun fading behind it, lights flickering on in towering skyscrapers. Off in the distance, he watched as silent fireworks flickered and glowing airships zipped along interconnecting highways held up by subtly lit hoverstruts. 

“Well,” Rose finally said, breaking the silence and cracking her knuckles as she saw two familiar pairs of horns approaching through the crowd. “Allow me to put it like this; were you and Karkat in the same situation as our dear brother, would you have any regrets?”

Kanaya approached with a flute of champagne full of a questionable liquid substance. Karkat trailed behind with what looked like a plate of stuffed mushrooms, but if trolls were eating it, Dave didn't want to know what was inside. 

“Hear anything fascinating?” Rose stepped toward Kanaya with a coy smile and they hooked arms as if they'd practiced it a thousand times. 

“In fact,” Kanaya returned the smile with one of her own. “We did. Karkat, would you care you share?”

He nodded around a mouthful of stuffed whatevers. “Might as well.”

**=== > CG: Become tired of these shenanigans. They just keep happening. **

Karkat followed behind Kanaya as she pulled him quickly through the crowd. Had he been anyone else he would have left a trail of apologies, but he wasn't, so he didn't. Instead, he shot glares of equal strength back at the disturbed party-goers. 

“Is there a reason we’re blasting full speed through the idiot storm?” Karkat demanded once they had finally come to a stop at one of the less crowded food tables. 

“What?” Kanaya spared him a distracted glance before continuing to look around the room. “I don't know what you mean.”

Karkat narrowed his eyes. “Yeah? Then can you explain just what the fuck you’re scouring the room for? Spare change?”

Kanaya ducked her head sheepishly. “No, I just, I seem to recall you mentioning that Terezi and Vriska would be here, and considering that they- or at least Terezi- are members of the rebellion I just thought that perhaps we should-”

“Oh ho ho,” Karkat grinned triumphantly. “So this is about Serket, is it?”

When Kanaya didn't respond, he took that as his answer. 

“Well fuck, Kanaya,” he deflated slightly when he realized the implications of this discovery. “What about Rose? I didn't realize your flush crush on Vriska was still hanging the fuck around.”

“This has nothing to do with Rose!” Kanaya said defensively. “I simply- you see,” she took a deep breath. “Vriska and I had...something of, not a relationship exactly. But we were certainly, ahem,” she sniffed. “Involved.”

Karkat’s brows shot through the roof. “You're shitting me. Was everyone involved in some clandestine fuckery but me? I don't see why it all had to be such a secret.”

“I don't see why it would have been your business,” Kanaya responded coolly. “We weren't exactly moirails.”

Karkat recoiled as if he’d been slapped. “That's not fair,” he said, uncharacteristically quiet. 

Kanaya’s face fell. “I didn't mean, oh dear,” she fretted. “I don't blame you for it, not after, well, with Terezi. But for a while it was just frustrating. My pale advances weren't exactly subtle.”

“The thing with Terezi was, that wasn't anything,” Karkat fidgeted uncomfortably. “I just didn't know what I was doing.”

Kanaya nodded the way someone appeases a child when they know there's no arguing against them. Karkat opened his mouth as if to protest, but Kanaya gasped and whatever he'd been about to say was pushed to the back of his mind. 

“There they are,” Kanaya pointed to a nearby window, this particular one was set to an early morning sun rising behind the twin peaks of a canyon, and right in front of it stood Vriska Serket and Terezi Pyrope. Vriska at least demonstrated a modicum of class in a spaghetti strap, navy blue gown, though the slit up the side was arguably scandalous. Terezi...Karkat had no eye for fashion, but he was fairly fucking certain that however nice the shape of the dress she was wearing made her look, the blindingly bright red clashed with everything that moved or existed. 

“Well well weeeeeeeell,” Vriska flashed her fangs in what passed for a smile. “Just who do we have here? Miss Fussy Fangs and Shouty McNubs. A pleasure as per fucking never. What are you losers doing here?”

“Surely you can't be surprised to see us,” Kanaya quirked up a brow. “It is your name on our invitations.”

“Oh, thaaaaaaaat,” Vriska rolled her eyes. “Some mission? I don't keep up with all the rebel biz! Until it's time for me to do my part I'm perfectly happy to reap the benefits of my status.”

“I'm fucking sure you are,” Karkat grumbled. 

“Of course,” Kanaya responded, Karkat could tell she was holding back an eye roll of her own. Maybe she _was_ over whatever fling the two of them had had. “I don't suppose you have a minute to, ah, discuss some things?”

“That's our cue to leave, Mr. Cherry Blast,” Terezi grabbed Karkat’s arm and he found himself being yanked yet again towards the dance floor. 

“I don't know how to dance,” he said curtly. Terezi huffed, but obligingly led them to the window with the canyon view. 

“So,” she waggled her brows. “Tell me about this human hatchmate you're so fond of!”

Karkat felt himself go a shade darker despite his struggle to keep the blush of red spreading across his cheeks under control. “I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Oh, don't play dumb with me, Karkles,” Terezi waggled her eyebrows so vigorously that even Dave would have been proud. Not that Karkat was thinking about Dave. “I bet you're thinking about him right now!!!”

“Am not!” Karkat protested. “And even if I was, _hypothetically_ , it wouldn't mean anything! At all!!”

“I can smell it deep in your candy red bloodpusher,” Terezi cocked her head to the side. “You must stop lying to yourself. And to me. Mostly to me. You are a very bad liar and it smells awful!!”

Karkat huffed and leaned against the wall. “First of all, I am the best fucking liar you will ever meet in your miserable lifetime. Second of all,” Karkat shook his head in frustration. “God I can't believe I'm telling you this after what happened between us.”

Terezi cackled. “Between us? Karkat _nothing_ happened between us.”

“Then why does everyone keep fucking reminding me about whatever it was!!” Karkat growled. “Every five fucking seconds it's ‘oh no Karkat, delicate Karkat, that awful horrorterrible mistake that was you and Terezi!!’”

Terezi plucked a bright red drink off of a nearby waiter’s tray. “Something the humans call fruit punch,” she winked. “Okay, I admit it would be disingenuous of me to say that nothing happened at all. But it was nothing more than a mutual flush crush that ended as a result of personal, I don't want to say hangups, let's call them...preferences.”

Karkat wrinkled his nose. “You've lost me.”

“Karkat I get that you're generally clueless about your own emotions no matter how open you like to pretend to be, but let's not act like a complete ignoramus,” Terezi gave Karkat a funny look. “You wanted to vacillate quadrants every five seconds, I couldn't possibly keep up! I was going in expecting something red and you'd snap at me like being rivals was paying the metaphorical bills!!”

“Well yeah,” Karkat said. “That's how it works in the books and movies, it's more interesting that way.”

Terezi shook her head. “No, it's not. I should have been able to date you in the red quadrant and flirt pale with Vriska without it being a problem, but that made you uncomfortable. Which I respected! We agreed to stay just friends, which I'm extremely grateful for, but we definitely broke up because you thought that constant vacillation was some sort of romantic prerogative as opposed to what it really is. Plot fluff. It's entirely unrealistic.”

Karkat paused for a moment. That...couldn't be right. 

“But I didn't come here to talk about your relationship drama!” Terezi smacked his arm. “Well, not entirely! We have to discuss some nasty rebellion business. I understand your team has had contact with some of the Marquise’s minions?”

Karkat scoffed. “The Midnight Crew? Yeah, what about it?”

“They gave you something, a note?” When Karkat nodded, Terezi continued. “Well whatever! I don't care about that at all. A memo went out to some of us the other night, apparently Equius and Nepeta-”

“Who and who?” Karkat demanded. “Am I supposed to know who the fuck they are?”

“They were on the ship with us, dummy! Equius was the weird indigo officer that was always sweating. Plus he had a busted horn. And Nepeta was his moirail, the little olive-blood?”

“That rings a far-off dong shouter,” Karkat sighed. “You were saying?”

“Before I was sooo rudely interrupted, yes. They disappeared off the ship a few days after you, Kanaya, and Sollux did. You should have smelled how angry Eridan was!” Terezi paused to flash her pointy teeth in a wide grin. “Anyways, it turns out they were doing some undercover work and before you pester me with another confused exclamation, yes, they are with the rebels. To answer your next question, they were investigating the leader of The Crew, Spades Slick. To stop you from interrupting, no I am not using my Seer powers on you, you're just predictable! And finally, the result of their investigation and the content of the memo is the identity of Spades Slick himself.”

Karkat glared at Terezi with his arms crossed, foot tapping impatiently. “Fuck you. You didn't know I was gonna ask all that.”

“Well, did I answer your questions?”

“Eat my entire load dumper and choke, Terezi Pyrope. What's Slick’s identity?”

“Oh,” Terezi shrugged with a smile. “Some loser named Jack Noir! Ever heard of him?” 

“No.”

“Didn't think so. Anyways, it looks like Vriska and Kanaya are done doing whatever...that was!” Terezi held out an arm, and Karkat was dismayed to realize that she had elbow length red gloves on. It was a miracle Kanaya hadn't had an absolute aneurysm. “Shall we?”

Karkat swallowed and hooked his arm through hers. They walked back to the pair with only the sounds of guests chattering around them to fill the silence. Still by the snack table, Kanaya and Vriska stood carefully distanced from each other. 

“Vriska?” Terezi raised a brow over one blank eye. 

Vriska jumped imperceptibly and grinned just slightly too wide as her moirail approached. “Terezi! Just in time. Miss Fussyfangs here was getting soooooooo boring!! Always bugging and fussing and meddling.”

Kanaya looked like she wanted to protest, but at a glance from Karkat, pushed it down. 

“Uh huh. Did you brief her, at least?” Terezi asked, holding out her half empty glass with the remnants of the ‘fruit punch’ still sloshing at the bottom, an offering. 

Vriska snatched it and took a sip of what little remained before carelessly dropping the glass onto the nearest dish tray. “I guess. I told her how stupid Eridan looked after sweaty and meowbeast girl went missing.”

“I happen to be friends with ‘meowbeast girl’,” Terezi raised a brow. “And she has a name. You really didn't tell her anything?”

“Whatever!” Vriska threw an arm loosely around Terezi’s shoulders. “You told Vantas, right? He can just brief their whole team. No biggie!”

Terezi made a low noise in her throat that Karkat couldn't decipher. 

“Anywaaaaaaaays,” Vriska continued, inspecting her claws. “They should be getting back to their friends or else they'll start missing them! Besides, I want to take my moirail spinning on the dance floor.” She finished the last part in a far gentler tone, ruined by a sideways glare in Kanaya’s direction which Terezi either didn't notice, or didn't want to pick apart out loud. 

“It was great seeing you, Karkat,” Terezi rested a hand on his shoulder for a brief moment before she was whisked away by one Vriska Serket. “And good luck!”

Within seconds, the two were out of view save the occasional flash of red between the monotony of suits. 

“What did Terezi talk to you about?” Kanaya flagged down one of the waitstaff with glasses of either very bright champagne, or more likely, blood substitute. Karkat did a double take. Was that waiter...a lime-blood? He thought they'd died off decades ago. He shook his head, probably imagining things. 

“Sorry, what?” He squinted in Kanaya’s direction, refocusing. 

“I asked you what Terezi had to say,” Kanaya turned back to the food table and began filling a small plate with a bunch of little somethings. “Actually, fill me in when we return to Rose and Dave. And here, they have splashbeast ganderbulbs, your favorite.”

Karkat took the plate and smiled, popping one in his mouth. “You know me too fucking well, Maryam,” he chewed thoughtfully as they walked back towards the western wall. “Was everything...good? With Vriska, I mean.”

Kanaya smiled a little ruefully. “Good? With her? I could hardly say. But we’re on...the same page now, at least.”

Karkat nodded and Kanaya smiled mischievously. 

“And with Terezi? Things are well?”

Karkat choked a little when swallowing his food and wiped his mouth disdainfully. “Things are fine! They're so fine, actually, that she was giving me relationship advice. So there.”

“Relationship advice?” Kanaya’s smile deepened, and Karkat realizes he may have dug himself an even deeper hole to climb out of. “With whom, might I ask, are you having romantic difficulty?”

“Oh, don't act like you don't know, apparently it's written all over my goddamn face,” Karkat huffed indignantly. 

“Well I wasn't going to say anything but since you saw fit to bring it up…”

“Hey look at that there they are! We should shut up now and never discuss this ever again,” and before she could protest, Karkat shoved another hors d'oeuvre into his mouth and gave her a pointed look. 

Kanaya shrugged and moved to link arms with Rose where she’d been standing

“Hear anything fascinating?” Rose asked with a smile, hardly bothering to take her dumb human ganderbulbs off Kanaya’s face. 

“In fact,” Kanaya returned the look before turning to Karkat.“We did. Karkat, would you care you share?”

He nodded and quickly swallowed the last of his food. “Might as well.”

“Uh before you start,” Dave pointed at Karkat’s plate. “Can I ask..?”

“You don't want to know.”

“Got it. Figured. Continue.”

“Right,” Karkat gave a quick look around the room and pulled at the collar of his tie. “So. We met up with some old friends of ours-”

“Vriska and...Terezi? Right?” Dave interrupted, again. 

“Yes. Now let me fucking finish,” Karkat growled. “Terezi’s been working with the rebels and Vriska has been...not being as psychopathically murderous as she could be, I guess. Anyways, a lot of stuff happened with people that you don't know and they have information about the Midnight Crew.”

“Excellent,” Rose commended. “But I would refrain from discussing business here, we ought to blend in and keep looking until one of the other teams gives us an update.”

“Sounds like a plan, Stan,” Dave cracked his knuckles. “So how do we ‘blend in’?”

“It's quite obvious, really,” Rose said with a devious grin. “We dance.” 

Before Karkat could blink, Rose and Kanaya had vanished into the crowd. Fuck. 

“Well, shit,” Dave swore thoughtfully. “You heard the lady, let's dance.”

Karkat stared at Dave’s outstretched hand the same way one might examine a piece of garbage after being asked to pick it up. “I don't know how to dance,” he replied flatly. 

“What??” Dave clutched at his chest, dramatically mock-offended. “Bro. Don't tell me you never learned how to dance.”

“I grew up on Alternia, fucknuts,” Karkat said. “I was more focused on staying alive, I don't think I even really heard much music until I was off-world.”

“Seriously?” Dave asked. “Well shit man, where's Kevin Bacon when you need him? All teaching the kids how to dance and kickboxing robots and shit. I never actually saw footloose.”

“I hate you so much.”

“Yeah yeah, let's go.”

“Go?” Karkat scoffed. “Did you mishear me, Strider? Are your aural cavities filled with hoofbeast excrement? I can't fucking dance.”

“I know, loser. I'm gonna teach you,” Dave held out his hand even further. “C’mon, my shitty ass cotillion didn't award me ‘Most Improved’ for nothing.”

Karkat reluctantly took his hand and headed closer to the center of the room. “Doesn't that just mean you suck?”

“Nah,” Dave said with an easy grin. “Totally means I was the best. Well, that and I had a broken foot towards the beginning so once that was all cleared up I had plenty of room for improvement.”

“How the hell did you manage to break your foot?”

Dave grimaced lightly. “My uh, my bro was all hells of into training me and shit but, you know,” he laughed nervously. “Hold on, you're doing this wrong.”

“Fuck you,” Karkat spat but allowed Dave to fix his stance. 

“Yeah like that, my hand here goes on your waist and yours goes on mine, yeah. Okay and then, haha middle finger very funny, the other hand goes on my shoulder. No, my shoulder. Listen if you want to put it somewhere else, I have a couple recommendations- fuck stop hitting me!”

Finally, the pair settled into a simple enough position to sway lightly to the faint music that drifted through the hall. 

“This is dancing?” Karkat said, unimpressed. “We’re just, moving our bodies.”

“That's all dancing really is, man,” Dave shrugged. “I mean unless you get really fancy, but I'm taking it easy on you. No dips, cross my heart. Probably.”

“Dips?” Karkat wrinkled his nose. “Are you just making that up?”

“Okay, scratch that. One dip,” Dave grinned and all of a sudden Karkat was falling backwards only to be caught halfway by Dave’s steady arm on his back, their faces a hair’s breadth apart. “Totally not making this up.”

“Fuck! Fuck you, fuck me, fuck this,” Karkat let out an undignified screech as Dave dipped him even lower and laughed. “Shit! Just pull me up! Dave!”

Dave righted him and spun them back into the circle of guests. “‘Dave’?”

“Yes, that's your fucking name, isn't it?” Karkat took a few heavy breaths. “Jesus, let's stick to this. No more dipping.”

“Yeah, I promise or whatever. No yeah, that's my name,” Dave said. “You've just...never called me by it before. It's always been ‘Strider, don't touch my shit!’ Or, ‘Strider! Hey fuck you!’ You know?”

“Oh,” Karkat thought back. “I guess? Consider it an improvement if you want, even mold grows on you if you let it hang around long enough.”

“Awh, I'm growing on you? That's so sweet.”

“Eat shit. You were telling me how you broke your foot.”

Dave swallowed uncomfortably. “Right. That. I used to live in an orphanage which is like, where you dump all the useless kids whose parents died or ditched them or whatever. They split all eight of us up. Girls in one house, guys in the other. Dirk and Jake were on a different floor because they were older, so for a while it was just me and John but when they ran out of beds they shipped him off to some foster home three cities over and he was never back to visit for more than a day at a time every few months or so. Which left me all by my fuckin’ lonesome.” 

He paused as the music changed to something a bit faster, and adjusted their swaying to fit the new tempo. 

“Um. But yeah, so I was by myself and for each ward or whatever there's a head honcho. I don't know if they actually screened these freaks or what, but the guy in charge of my mine was...not great,” His voice took on a shaky element and Karkat felt Dave’s hands tighten almost imperceptibly at his shoulder and waist. “He took a ‘special interest’ in me for whatever fucking reason and took it upon himself to ‘train me’. Some bullshit, is what it was. His definition of training was taking my sorry twelve year old ass to the roof and whooping it with a sword like there was no goddamn tomorrow.”

Dave paused again to take a breath, then continued. 

“I should explain, New Texas was hot as fuck. It was some shit-ass colony on a planet too close to the sun, which meant it was always bright and hot and there was never enough water or food. So everyone wore shades,” he took his hand off Karkat’s shoulder to tap the side of his glasses before returning it. “Bro had these really sick ones, like the kind Dirk wears. We both fucking idolized him because he goddamn basically brainwashed us into thinking he was the hottest shit since sliced bread, so we had the same shades as him and everything. But one day, when John was visiting near my twelfth birthday, he gave me a new pair. We were both really into Ben Stiller movies and supposedly these had graced his very own weird, sort of gaunt face at some point.”

“I'm missing the part with the broken foot,” Karkat interrupted. “And it's annoying as fuck tying to dance with you and have a conversation with those godawful shades on your head, Ben Whoever’s or not.”

Dave gave a lopsided grin and pushed his glasses into his head. If Karkat had been trying to focus, he had just made a huge mistake because here was Dave's face, inches from his, without shades, apologies, or fatigue to get in the way. 

“Have patience, my young padawan,” Dave joked. 

“You know for fucking sure I don't get your lame Earth movie references, Dave.”

“I do,” Dave said. “I also really like it when you call me by my name, but getting on with the story. I showed up to a strife, perfectly on time mind you, wearing my fresh ass shades. Bro is not happy. He's got a problem with me hanging with John because he's so hyper masculine, anything between two guys that goes farther than like, vague acquaintanceship, is gay. And he did not like gay. So I show up wearing these shades my homeboy John got me, pumped after raking in some insane birthday loot, and that dickwad beat me harder than he ever had. Shit was crazy. I had a metric fuck ton of bruises and scrapes and I couldn't dance for weeks. Good thing I'm such a natural it was easy to catch up,” Dave finished with a wink as he whirled them into a quick spin that left Karkat clinging to Dave for dear life. 

“That sounds...extremely fucked up?” Karkat said, a little horrified as he comprehended the implications of Dave’s childhood guardian. “Even on Alternia where it was kill or be killed, you could mostly count on your lusus to give half a shit about you and defend you as best they could. How did that not mess you the fuck up in the pan?”

“Oh don't worry, it hella did,” Dave assured him with a sad smile. “The first few years after we got out of there I was a homophobic wreck and a supreme asshole. It took a few years for his wackass conditioning to wear thin and me to gain some common sense back. The worst part was trying to figure out my own goddamn sexuality while under the crushing load of toxic masculinity. Like, now I'm very comfortably into anyone who's up for it if you know what I mean,” he winked. “Bisexual or pansexual or whatever, but Bro drilled heteronormativity into me for years. Probably the worst part was just, I never felt safe? Like I was always paranoid.” 

Dave was speaking faster now, like if he stopped he wouldn't be able to say everything he wanted to. 

“I was always looking over my shoulder and just, ugh like he was about to jump out at me or some shit. I can't tell you how many times I wouldn't hear someone come into a room and then I would see them or they'd say something and I would lose my shit because back at the orphanage if Bro got the drop on me like that I'd be dead, or worse,” he took a shaky breath. “Which is like, and this is not an excuse but I'm also not going to stop doing it, uh. It's like, why I always poke at you and get you riled up and shit. You're just, so expressive? I've never had anyone like that who just, is loud and doesn't care if everyone knows what's going on in their head. I think...I think I could've used someone like that around when I was growing up,” he smiled a little. “Plus you could never sneak up on me, you're way too loud, bro.”

Karkat was silent for a moment while he took all this information in, unsure of how to react. 

“Okay, you gotta say something or I'm gonna freak the fuck out,” Dave laughed nervously. “I've never actually told anyone that before, even Rose doesn't know a lot of details and Rose pretty much knows everything about me. So if you wanna like, say anything at all that would be-”

“Jesus dick, Dave,” Karkat squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. “I'm just, trying to take it all in, okay? I wanna say the right thing.”

“A joke right about now would probably be good,” Dave grinned weakly. “I think I've had enough mushy shit for the day.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “You're such a fucking idiot. But uh, thanks for sharing all that with me? That actually means a lot, lately it seems my friends have been keeping stuff from me so it's nice to know that someone will still tell me shit. I do have one question, though.”

“Shoot.”

“Why do you and Dirk still wear shades?” Karkat asked. “You're far as fuck from New Texas and almost any sun bright enough to warrant such preposterous facewear. Dirk especially, you said he still wears the ones like your crazy psychopath guardian? Why the fuck.”

“Huh,” Dave squinted his eyes as he thought, and Karkat soaked in the fact that he could see Dave’s face, read his emotions while they spoke. “I guess I just liked the ones John got me so much I couldn't bear to take them off, especially knowing Bro hated them, it felt like a victory to keep them on. It was also nice having a physical shield between me and other people. As for Dirk? He used to wear them because he wanted to be just like Bro. Now he wears them as a reminder of what not to become.”

Karkat blinked. “Oh. And here I thought you were just and outstanding douchebag.”

Dave let out a throaty laugh and Karkat realized how close they were. Had they started the dance this close together? He didn't remember. 

“Who said I wasn't an outstanding douchebag?” Dave flashed that lopsided grin again, and paired with seeing the smile reach his eyes and the freckles dotting across his nose it was all Karkat could do to form a coherent fucking sentence. 

He swallowed nervously. “I never said you weren't.” Their noses were practically touching. 

“Good,” Dave exhaled and Karkat could feel it, cool and sweet across his face. “Because if there's one thing you should know about me, I am the king of outstanding douchebags.”

Karkat tilted his head up and leaned in, eyes half lidded, when suddenly-

 _“Guys, I need everyone in the hall off the East Wing immediately,”_ Dirk’s voice sounded in both boys’ ears and they jumped apart in surprise. _“I think we found something.”_

“Fucking shit,” Dave mumbled under his breath as he jabbed at his comms and snapped back a quick reply about them being on their way. “Bad timing, Dirk. Worst timing.”

Karkat fiddled with his tie anxiously. He didn't know what had just been interrupted, but whatever it was the mood had gone completely pear-shaped and successfully decapitated. “Um. We should-”

“Yeah, we should-”

“Get going?”

“Yes. Uh, going.”

“Right.”

“Right. Um, but, you know,” Dave shrugged as he slipped his shades back onto the bridge of his nose. “Rain check?”

Karkat fought against a smile trying to crawl it's way onto his face. “Fuck you. Yes.”

And with that, they headed toward the East Wing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh Dirk what awful timing!! Who knows what might've happened ;) I wonder if they found Jake.....


	9. Slime Jar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And if you guess right?” Dave asked weakly.
> 
> Mindfang smirked with the confidence of someone who had already won. “If I guess right,” she held up the claw that she'd gotten Karkat with, and inspected a tiny droplet of cherry red blood. “Then I carve his horns from his head and add him to my collection. Sound gr _eight_ or what?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey it's that time again y'all, ummm there's some threats happening and some mean ppl saying mean and vaguely violent stuff so if that makes u uncomfortable u can skip over it! But it's nothing too graphic so hopefully it ain't no thang but a chicken wang and by wang I mean wing I'm sorry

**=== > CG: You leave the hacking to the actual hackers. **

Karkat and Dave made their way into a subset of hallways off the East Wing, Dirk had sent them vague coordinates, but it didn't do much to guide them through the labyrinth of halls and doors. 

“He couldn't have been a bit more fucking vague, could he have?” Karkat grumbled. 

“He's so paranoid,” Dave said. “Probably worried that someone's listening in on our comm frequency. The whole point of the mission was to be discrete though, so there's no reason for anyone to be suspicious.”

They turned down as the hallway curved left and stopped dead in their tracks. Fuck. 

“Excuse me, what do you think you're doing back here?” A guard wearing the Marquise’s symbol on his uniform took a step away from his post to face the intruders. “If you thought the Marquise would be this easy to steal from, you boys are about to be sadly mistaken.”

Dave gave an awkward smile to the guard and chuckled nervously. “Steal from her? Nah man, you've got us all wrong. Me and my uh, French lover here, were just looking for a room to, y’know,” he winked suggestively. “Baguette. Eiffel Tower. Other French phallic symbols and shit.”

The guard’s expression never changed and he continued stepping closer, reaching for the baton at his side which crackled with blue-electricity. 

“Uh, _oui, oui?_ ” Karkat offered nervously. God he hoped that was French, humans really had too many languages. 

“Do I look stupid to you?” The guard held the baton out in front of him as they approached. 

Dave grinned. “Hey man, don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. Karkat, I’d love to get back to dancing, what do you think?”

Karkat bared his teeth and grinned. “Actually, Dave, I have a much better idea.”

“What's that?”

“This guy is just gonna let us _pass_.”

Karkat closed his eyes and reached out with his gut, intuition guiding him to the connections of the guard. His loyalties. If he could just sway them slightly-

“Hng!” The guard gasped, he clutched at his chest and dropped to his knees. 

Dave turned and shot a look in Karkat’s direction. “Was that you?”

Karkat opened his eyes. “Gods, I hope so.”

They watched as the guard shakily stood and looked back up at them, the aggression on his face replaced with confusion. 

He blinked. “What...was I just doing?” 

“You were…” Dave looked at Karkat who nodded encouragingly. “My good sir! You were just letting us through to uh, do a lot of stealing. Um, and pillaging and looting. Because you hate the Marquise?”

There was a moment of silence where Karkat prayed he'd cut the right cord, and the guard soaked in the new information. 

“That sounds...about right?” The guard tilted his head. “Yeah I actually don't give a shit what you do, fuck her I guess.”

They quickly moved past him and Dave paused to pat him firmly on the shoulder. “Have a sweet day, dude.”

As the pair made it around the corner, the floor suddenly tilted beneath Karkat’s feet and he threw his hands out instinctively to catch himself on the nearest object. Which happened to be Dave. Who turned around to see Karkat grip his shoulder and stumble, pausing to catch his breath. 

“Holy shit, are you okay dude?” Dave pressed a hand to Karkat’s shoulder to help steady him, leaning his head down to peer at Karkat’s face from a better angle. 

“Yeah,” Karkat huffed. “Just needed to catch my breath. It'll be just my fucking luck to use up all my energy before we even get to the others, wouldn't it?”

“Nah, you'll be fine,” Dave called over his shoulder as they continued through the mess of halls. 

Silence fell as the minutes passed and Karkat definitely felt uneasy. They were wandering so deep into the castle, he hoped they weren't wandering straight into the spider witch’s web. 

Suddenly, there was a crackle of static from Dave’s ear. Karkat tapped his own to make sure he wasn't missing anything, but whoever was contacting Dave must have been doing so on a private frequency. He could only make out a few words if he listened closely. 

_”...hands or something...c’mon...John just...fifty bucks! But...interrupted...won't...me the money...cuuuute…”_

The spreading redness on Dave’s face definitely painted enough of a picture for Karkat about what was happening. He'd completely forgotten that John and Roxy were watching from all the security cameras. Fuck. 

“Roxy I'm not…” Dave shot a furtive glance Karkat’s direction beneath his shades. “I don't care what kind of bet you're losing right now with John, I'm not just gonna-”

There was an interruption filled with more static that Karkat couldn't make out. 

“Well yeah I wanna wipe that smug ass grin from his face but-”

Karkat leaned over and pecked Dave gently on the cheek, his lips lingering for only a second before he pulled away and refused to make eye contact. 

He glared up at the nearest security camera. “Happy now?”

 _”Karkat, babe, you're a lifesaver,”_ Roxy crowed in Karkat’s ear. 

_”Karkat you're a traitor!”_ John whined. _”I told Roxy she was crazy when she thought you guys were together because you were just bros!! But then it turned into her betting that you would kiss tonight and you totally threw it! But congratulations I guess!”_

Dave made a frustrated noise low in his throat. “I'm going to kill them.”

 _”Don’t kill us yet!”_ Roxy practically sang. _”Or else how would you know to turn left here?”_

“They couldn't have given us directions ten minutes ago?” Karkat grumbled, but obligingly guided Dave down the correct hallway where true to word, the team was waiting. 

Dirk was standing impatiently to the side as Sollux was knelt in front of what appeared to be some sort of access box, and Jane and Jade were inspecting the heavily armored metal door in front of them. 

Dirk looked up. “Took you two long enough. Where's Rose and Kanaya?”

Dave and Karkat shared a glance and shrugged. 

“No idea,” Dave said. “If they got your message they must have been behind us because we didn't see them. They might be having trouble with guards.”

“Guards?” Dirk asked, worry lines evident on his face. “We didn't pass any guards, did you pass guards? Please tell me you didn't raise any alarms.”

“Nope,” Dave said, popping the ‘P’. “Karkat used his wonky blood powers the make the guy hate the big spider chick, so he just let us waltz right through.”

“Huh,” Dirk nodded. “Impressive.”

The sound of footsteps sounded from where Karkat and Dave had just entered turned everyone's heads, and there was a simultaneous grab for personal weapons. 

“Goodness, no need for any of that,” Rose held her hands up in casual surrender as Kanaya came up behind her. “You did request our presence, didn't you?”

Everyone visibly relaxed and continued their work as Rose and Kanaya strode in to inspect the scene. 

“You didn't encounter any guards did you?” Dirk asked worriedly. 

“Fear not, brother dearest,” Rose patted his shoulder absentmindedly. “Our trip here was rather uneventful, though I'll admit I was a tad worried we would draw attention.”

Jane huffed in frustration from where she and Jade were attempting to coax the rivets out of the door. “Dirk there's really no way we can get the door out like this. Sollux, how are you holding up on the lockbox?”

Sollux slammed his palm flat against the wall in clear frustration. “I would be doing a shit ton better if Dirk would get his hack of a hacker hatchmate out of my goddamn aural cavity.”

Dirk sighed. “What is she saying?”

“She's-” Sollux cut off as, assumedly Roxy began talking in his ear again. “She's trying to get me to go around the security by-” another pause. “Huh. That might actually…” 

Sollux trailed off as he began punching in numbers, and the panel began to glow slightly in what Karkat assumed to be some sort of low-level psiionic display. There was a ping and the door slid open. 

The group stood in shocked silence. 

Dave cleared his throat. “So uh, captains first?”

Dirk shoved him. “Don't think Roxy hasn't been keeping me updated.”

Dave coughed uncomfortably and Karkat felt his own face heat up. 

“We’ll all file in together,” Jade interjected as a compromise, then strolled into the mystery room without a care in the world. 

Jane’s eyes went wide in worry. “Now, hold up just a second!” She followed Jade in, and as the pair wandered further in, from the hallway it became evident that the spacious room’s lights were flickering on overhead. 

“Must be a motion sensor,” Dirk murmured to himself, and the rest of the crew filed in behind him. 

As Karkat looked around, the room wasn't quite as large as it had seemed. Thought it went back quite a ways, it appeared to be more of a long, shelved corridor. On the ledges were stacked various curiosities, shadow boxes and jars, seemingly random bjects scattered about. Karkat walked closer to a jar on his left, and noticed a small card set in front of it. Written in cerulean blue, the name ZAWIND SERPEN. A cold, sick feeling settled in Karkat’s stomach. 

“Kanaya,” he exhaled. “Is this…?”

Kanaya gently took hold of the jar and held it up to the light before bringing it back down to give it an inquisitory sniff. She swallowed and nodded, setting it gently back on the shelf. 

“Yes,” she said quietly. The crew gathered around and looked at the jar, filled just above halfway with a bright, viscous, almost lime green fluid. “It's blood.”

Karkat turned. The shadow boxes above him displayed countless sets of horns, obviously broken off the trolls they had belonged to. The objects included various things, swords, uniforms neatly folded, even the skull of a snakelike lusus paired with a pile of shimmering scales. From somewhere down the line, Dirk let out a particularly shuddering breath. Karkat watched as Dave quickly ran over and picked up the card. Even from his distance he could see clearly that it read JAKE ENGLISH in the telltale blue script. Dirk set his shoulders and grabbed from the shelf two twin pistols, black with a dark green skull gracing the side of each. 

“They're his,” he said gruffly, and shoved them into the waist of his suit, hidden beneath his jacket. “I'll return them when we find him.”

Dirk raised a hand to his temple and turned away, and Karkat could tell without hearing that it was Roxy in his ear, desperately wishing she could console her hatchmate in person. He had wondered previously if this human sibling thing was akin to a pale relationship, even thought they greatly resented having it be compared to something romantic. But now, after having spent time with the humans and seeing how they blended everything together, he began to realize that the bond they shared was something all its own. 

As he watched Dave awkwardly hover his hand above Dirk’s shoulder as if to comfort him, only for Dirk to transform it into a half high-five half fistbump, he felt a fluttery warmth spread throughout his chest. In the corner, Sollux was chatting with Jade and Jane and alternating between bringing Roxy and John in on comms. Across the room, Rose and Kanaya quietly held hands as they inspected the artifacts with a sense of melancholy, knowing now the weight of the meaning behind each. Karkat didn't know when exactly the three of them had become so stupidly attached to this bumbling crew of morons, but he was strangely grateful. In the midst of this life threateningly dangerous mission, for the first time in his existence, he felt content. 

And that's when it all went to hell. 

The group, now feeling adequately sobered and serious, filed back out into the hall and closed the trophy room’s door behind them. As they turned to walk away, a shadow fell over Karkat’s field of vision, and he turned to find himself staring directly into the vision-eightfold of Marquise Spinneret Mindfang herself. 

**=== > TG: You are totally winning this bet right now **

“Are you kidding me?!” Roxy shrieked and pounded on the monitor with her fist. “If Dirk lives through this mission I'm going to kill him myself I swear to god.”

John, meanwhile, was in the corner laughing his ass off hysterically. God she wanted to wipe that stupid, smug grin off his disgustingly cheerful face. She smirked to herself at the thought, _well, I can certainly think of one way to do that._ Not that she hadn't had that same thought about Jane just this morning seeing her all dressed up, or Sollux the other day working on coding, and she was _definitely_ keeping an eye on that lady troll Karkat had been chatting up. There were few people Roxy would mind too terribly to spend her time kissing. But that would have to wait until all this, whatever _this_ was- fighting and running, was over. 

With that particularly grave thought, Roxy shot a smile in John’s direction as he wiped a single tear from his eye and then turned back to the monitors. 

“Dirky,” She bemoaned into her headset. “You'll never guess what you just interrupted.”

“It counts!” John taunted. 

“If it’s the last thing I do, Egbert,” she muttered good-naturedly, and then promptly opened up a line to Dave’s comms. 

“Daveyyy,” she crooned with a victorious smirk as she stood on a chair to stay out of John’s reach as he grabbed for her headset. “Couldn't you just do me a teensy _weensy_ favor and, oh idk, hold hands or something? I mean c’mon, John just technically cracked our bet and he was totes gonna owe me fifty bucks! But since our favorite brother so kindly interrupted your tender moment he won't give me the money,” she punctuated that line with a pointed glare as Callie tried to pull John off the chair he was trying to climb up. “Besides, it would be so cuuuute!”

_“Roxy I'm not- I don't care what kind of bet you're losing right now with John, I'm not just gonna-”_

“Dave,” Roxy kicked her leg a little to stop John from clinging to it. “Dave. Dave. Dave. My dear, sweet baby brother. Whom I love. Don't you want to wipe that smug-ass grin off his face?”

_“Well yeah I wanna wipe that smug-ass grin from his face but-”_

As his voice cut out, Roxy and John whipped their heads around to face the monitors just in time to see Karkat plant a peck of a kiss on Dave’s cheek. John clutched at his heart and dramatically collapsed to the floor groaning all the while, as Roxy let out a loud whoop and high-fived Callie as she jumped down. 

“Suck on that, Egbert!” She jeered excitedly. “And cough up my fifty bucks while you're at it!

John grumbled and muttered something about getting his wallet as he headed towards his room. 

Roxy laughed and pulled up Karkat’s frequency. “Karkat, babe, you're a lifesaver.”

She head John shout into his comms from the other room, “Karkat you're a traitor!” Before she lost his voice to a closed door. 

From the monitor, she could clearly see Dave mouth the words ‘I’m going to kill them’ and her grin only deepened. 

“Don't kill us yet!” She sang, just as John re-entered holding out a fifty unit bill begrudgingly. “Or else how would you know to turn left here?”

She and John watched to ascertain that they were headed in the right direction, then shifted their focus to guiding Rose and Kanaya, who were still a considerable distance from where they ought to be headed as well. 

Sollux still couldn't open the door. _*Le sigh*,_ Roxy thought. _Do I have to do everything around here?_

“Sol, babe, you're doing it wrong,” She said. “It's like, have you ever picked an old-fashioned lock before? Well. This is nothing like that.”

She heard a loud banging noise echoing from her ear and looked up at the monitors, apparently Sollux had not appreciated her advice. 

“Well that's not going to do the job either!” She paused as he threw a hissy fit to Dirk. “Look, she's got the whole thing rigged up on some sort of neural network, you can hack the box all you want but you're gonna have to use your psiionics if you want to even think about getting through that door.”

As few moments, Roxy watched eagerly as the box emitted a faint glow and the doors slid open. Sick. 

Roxy comforted Dirk after he found Jake's guns, and she and John joked around with Sollux, Jade and Jane. They watched as their friends began to file back out into the hall, when all of a sudden, monitors started fizzling out one by one. 

“What the shit?” Roxy mumbled and began pressing buttons. 

The monitors flickering out began to come back on in a slow procession, but it was as if the three closest cameras would flicker out, and as the next monitor went down, only then would the last one come back up. That could only mean…

“Uh, Roxy?” John looked up at her, and she realized he had come to the same conclusion she had. Something was headed straight for their friends. 

Shit. 

“Dirk? Dirk do you read me?” Roxy shouted desperately into her headset, but all she could hear was static. “Fuck. Fuck! They found our frequency and they're drowning it out in white noise, I can't get anyone.”

“Me neither,” John replied grimly. “What do we do?”

“There's nothing we can do,” Roxy sank helplessly down into her chair. “Except...wait.”

“And hope?” John added pitifully. 

Roxy nodded. “And hope.”

**=== >TG: Now back to your regularly scheduled programming**

This was bad. This was so, so bad. 

From where Dave was standing next to his sister, he could see Karkat standing, stock still, nose to nose with the Marquise. Of course this required some acrobatics on her part, she was nearly folded in half to be eye to eye with the shorter troll. 

“Well, well, well,” she jeered and straightened up to her full height with a sneer. Dave saw Karkat practically stumble back as he craned his neck, the Marquise was a good head taller than he was, easily clearing seven feet. “Look what the meowbeast dragged in, hmmmmmmmm?”

She was met by silence. As formidable as the team may have been against thugs and their usual sort, they were nowhere near idiotic enough to interrupt a deadly, seven foot psychopath with royal backing. 

“Not so brave now, I see,” she tsked, folding her arms behind her back and pacing the width of the hall, deadly sharp heels clacking on the marble floor. “Let me try to put together a picture here! You see, I tend to think better out loud, so I'm gonna make some educ _eight_ ed guesses, and you stop me if I'm wrong!”

Dirk’s hand went for his weapon and tightened on the hilt as he stepped forward. “What's in it for us?”

The Marquise flipped her hair behind her shoulder and laughed. As she spoke she reached a long, manicured nail and tilted Karkat’s chin up roughly. “What's in it for you? How aboooooooout, I kill you all very quickly, so you don't feel it?”

“You can try,” the words flew from Dave’s mouth before he could stop them. “But lemme tell ya, I just got some really sick nasty powers that I _really_ don't understand and I'm just fuckin’ dying to try them out.”

Karkat bristled and turned toward Dave, panic and fear overwhelming his expression as he hissed in response. “Are you fucking stupid?” 

“Funny, I was wondering the same thing!” The Marquise crossed her arms in front of her. “But you know what? I like his _chutzpah_. Whaddaya say, shades, just you and me, let's have a chat. Figure this out on p _eight_ per.”

“I dunno,” Dave straightened his posture, he was pissed and he was scared and that meant he was going to fall back on the one skill he knew best; running his goddamn mouth. “Seems to me like the whole vision-eightfold thing is some kinda compensation. You sure you got the mental capacity to work this through?”

Mindfang smiled in a way that very skillfully and specifically displayed exactly how much she wanted to run Dave through with her sword, but she continued. “Watch that mouth, shades boy, or I might have to cut it off you. But if you're going to question my brainpower, why don't we make a deal. If you guess right, I'll kill your little buddy here first so he doesn't have to watch the rest of you die.”

Dave swallowed thickly and exchanged nervous glances with the others. Kanaya and Rose looked ill, Jane and Sollux seemed to be discreetly trying to work comms, Dave couldn't meet Jade’s eyes through the glare on her glasses, and Dirk was as unreadably stoic as he could be. 

“And if you guess right?” Dave asked weakly.

Mindfang smirked with the confidence of someone who had already won. “If I guess right,” she held up the claw that she'd gotten Karkat with and inspected a tiny droplet of cherry red blood. “Then I carve his horns from his head and add him to my collection. Sound gr _eight_ or what?”

Karkat inhaled sharply and clutched at his throat, as if he could hide the truth, despite it already having both literally and figuratively spilled. 

“I know, I know, you're all noble heroes blah blah blah leave no man or troll behind,” Mindfang yawned dramatically. “You'll try to fight me either way, but I'm a troll of my word. Whatever you fail to do I'll keep to it don't you worry.”

Dave's heart felt like it was going to pound through his chest, he didn't understand how the mission had gone so wrong so fast. He'd been dancing with Karkat out on the floor, what, ten minutes ago? An hour ago? He couldn't think straight, couldn't find his powers, he'd never felt so fucking helpless. 

“I'll take your silence as submission,” Mindfang said triumphantly. “So. I assume I've taken something of yours, or someone, pillaging and looting is kinda my whole thing if you haven't noticed. I don't particularly care what I took, but obviously you little baby humans do because here you are! Am I right so far? Yes? Well let me keep going then. You're probably in with the rebels.”

At this, Dirk whipped his head up. “How do you know that?”

“Well if I didn't already I do now!” She crowed. “Really ought to work on that poker face of yours. Anywaaaaaaaays, I like to keep track of my protégés, Serket is no exception. When I found out she was pale for that Terezi Pyrope I did a full background check of course, a luxury some of us higher ups have access to, and what I found was...less than flattering. I was forced to assume that my lovely, homicidal apprentice had been corrupted, so obviously I've been keeping tabs on her. You think I wouldn't notice a sudden plus eight party request? Nice choice of group size, by the way.”

“Okay,” Dave said flatly. “Bunch a fancy guesswork, you want a fucking medal? That's some lame Nancy Drew shit. Actually, that's not even Nancy Drew I'm not gonna do my girl Nancy like that, it'd be an insult. You've got more of an Encyclopedia Brown vibe, spunky boy detective that ultimately means well, but comes off as a cold, condescending piece of shit, you know?”

“Is that how you interpreted Encyclopedia Brown’s intelligence?” Rose murmured from next to him. “Someone was projecting heavily at an early age.”

“I don't care what color your encephalopod was!” Mindfang snapped. “I won! And now I want to collect my prize.”

Just as Mindfang reached for her weapon, someone rounded the corner. 

“Oh dear,” the newcomer said. “I don't sea-ppose this is the way for the little mermaids room?”

“You're late,” Jade chastised, but it held no weight as she grinned ear to ear. Dave noticed that the glare on her glasses had disappeared and realization dawned on him, Jade had been using her computer specs to call for help. 

The newcomer in question was, rather impressively, taller than Mindfang. Close to eight feet tall from the looks of it, the troll shared the Marquise’s long, black hair, but it was adorned at the top with a gold and pink circlet bearing the sign of Her Imperial Condescension.

“Non-sea-nse!” The troll waved the issue off and wholeheartedly returned Jade’s smile. “I'm fashionably just in time.”

She stepped closer, her tall figure imposing despite her cheerful demeanor. “Aranea, it's been too long.”

Mindfang growled and gripped her weapon tighter. “That's not my name anymore, Heiress.”

“Oh but of course, how silly of me,” the new troll laughed like dolphin chatter pouring from her lips, and upon closer inspection Dave realized she had tiny pink gills along her neck, and fins for ears. “When you've _fin_ alive as long as I have it's tricky to keep track of all you admirals, it's just so tran-sea-ent, you know?”

“Shit, I like her,” Dave muttered. 

“So do I,” Jade winked. 

“Is this that troll chick you've been chatting up online?” 

“You betcha!”

“Wait,” Sollux whispered. “You're the human FF’s been talking to for perigees?”

“‘FF’?” Dave wrinkled his nose. 

“Feferi,” Jade clarified. 

“Can you all be quiet?” Rose hissed. 

Thankfully, Feferi and Mindfang were so wrapped up in their confrontation that neither had noticed the crew getting antsy. 

“You certainly have a lot of my friends here,” Feferi said, her voice was calm and Dave could tell that if she didn't get her way there would be a storm. “Now I wouldn't want to step on any gills, but it isn't a party without friends, wouldn't you agree?”

“Friends,” Mindfang spat. “What's the use if they aren't in your quadrants, Peixes?”

“Oh?” Feferi blinked innocently. “Is that what you said to the Condesce all those sweeps ago? If you couldn't have her red then you wouldn't have her at all because really, if she's not in a quadrant then what's the point? No I quite understand. I simply don't agree.”

“You leave her out of this!”

“That's why she backs you. You think a cerulean could have made it this far on their own? Please. We have violet-bloods for that. You're her pet project. Meenah always was soft on you.”

“What do you know, fish fingers? You haven't seen her in sweeps. Millennia. Not once that killer competition instinct started kicking in.”

“I have my sources on the inside. 

“Rebels, you mean?”

“Well, what are they rebelling for if not a new leader? I have a better way to rule. Less violence. Less hatred.”

“And Mee- and the Condesce is the soft one, huh?” Mindfang turned away, like a dog with its tail between its legs. “Take your fucking friends, I want you gone by midnight.”

“Now that, I can manage!” Feferi smiled as Mindfang stormed off in the opposite direction, turning back to look over her shoulder just before she vanished around a corner. 

“Oh, and shades?” She bared her fangs. “I would stay for the speech, I've been told I'm _very_ motiv _eight_ ional.”

And she was gone. 

“Well shit,” Dave exhaled. “Thank fuck for deus ex Feferi I guess.”

“Awh, it was no problem! Anything to help Jade and her crewfish out!” She ruffled Jade’s hair and giggled, her entire personality had done a one-eighty, from regal and imposing to pun happy and bubbly. “Get it? Crewfish? Like crawfish?”

“It was _sea_ mply perfect!” Jade threw her arms around the troll, who noticeably turned a darker shade pink. “I don't know what we would have done without you, Fef, I owe you big!”

The group began to make its way back to the main hall, and Dave saw Karkat still looking like he was about five seconds from hyperventilating a few steps behind. 

“You alright dude?” He asked. “It's cool, we’re all good now thanks to the badass fish girl.”

“Yeah it's fine, it's just,” Karkat shook his head. “Feferi and I have been friends for years, but it's still hard to get over how open-minded she is. She just risked her well-being for a bunch of humans she doesn't know and a handful of her low-blood acquaintances. And Jade just hugged her like she wasn't the heiress to the entire fucking empire and called her ‘Fef’. It's fucking unreal sometimes.”

They looked up as Feferi and Jade walked in stride, smiling and laughing. 

“I don't owe you a thing!” Feferi said. “But...I guess if you wanted to repay me, you could owe me a dance?”

Jade’s grin deepened. “Just one?”

They skipped off ahead, and Dirk only smiled as he turned back to face the crew. 

“Jade knows what to keep an eye out for, I'll let her have this,” he said quietly. “Nothing’s changed, only now we have a time limit. I don't know about the rest of you but I'm not crazy about being here without Miss Peixes, and her curfew is midnight. That gives us a few hours less than I would have liked, but the night is still young.”

“Well now we’re back at square one,” Sollux said. “The trophy room was a bust, all we know is that she has sick shit from the people she fucking kidnaps.”

Dirk looked at him funny. 

“What?” Sollux said. “I meant sick like, disgusting, not like cool.”

“No it's not that,” Dirk shook his head. “Just- what you said about the trophy room and something the Marquise said earlier. When she was threatening Karkat, she made it sound like killing him and keeping him were two different things. And, not to be insensitive, she mentioned ah, removing his horns.”

“Okay,” Rose said slowly as if she were catching on. “I believe I see what you're getting at.”

“Yes,” Kanaya nodded in agreement, looking a little excited as the answer dawned on her. “Everything we saw in that room belonged to the poor trolls and other species she has taken captive in her collection. If she was planning on not killing Karkat, but still adding him to the collection despite removing his horns, we can safely deduce that the objects in that room were personal possessions or trophies of some sort from the innocents she has captured and collected. By that logic, considering she was in possession of your matesprit's weapons she kit have him alive somewhere. Am I correct in assuming that this is where you were heading with your theory?”

“Nail on the head Kanaya, much obliged,” Dirk grinned. “So, all we have to do-”

 _”Hello? Hello? Are you guys reading me? Holy fuck,”_ Roxy’s frightened voice sounded loudly in Dave’s ear, and from the way everyone had cringed, she was talking to them too. _I don't know what the fuck just happened but I can see you all now, the cameras are back online and Jade is dancing with a very tall, hot troll? Anyways, I'm relieved as hell that you're all okay blah blah blah, the Marquise is in the ballroom right fuckin’ now about to give some speech. I suggest you get your asses over there pronto.”_

“You got it, Rox,” Dirk responded. “Sorry to have worried you and John.”

_”Awh, love you too Dirky! Send my kisses to Jane, and Sollux if he's in the mood.”_

“Yeah I'm not gonna do that,” Dirk said. “Whatever. You all heard the lady, let's get our asses over there pronto.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still no jake! Where is that rascally lad??

**Author's Note:**

> Hey if you wanna yell at me or pester me about updates come bother me on tumblr at my main @sombytaco or my homestuck @ectoflowermaid


End file.
